Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Facing the music

Let me be absolutely clear here, something that Michele says in her book that it only takes 1 person to work on the marriage.

My take: The marriage/relationship lives or dies by the choice of the LBS.

You the LBS do not want it to end? Then keep doing CPR.

Thanks guys. I need to stew on this for a while, but . . .



Bad choice of words around here. By pursuing I mean things like pursuing hobbies etc. Not her. Not right now. I just need to do more, live more, be less anxious.

I believe that, but man that first step is hard. The marriage counselor has been pushing me to do that same thing. My W knows this is hard. This is pursuing, but w/o this step there really can't be any others.

Uhhhh...pursuing her? No. Stalker? No.
A guy going standing through the 'worse' part of the wedding vows? Yes.

Pursuing your goal of being married? Yes.

Hard? : )

No shite.

NotFromThesePart,

First off, cool name – what part are from?

I am responding to your comment on another thread….





Me too except YOU do not have to live YOUR life with this guilt. Acknowledge your role in the failure, figure out what things/actions you did that ideally you would like to change and them simply change them. I’m sure you have heard this before BUT I will say it again. Make the change for YOU – not to get YOUR W back. So dude, let go of the guilt - all it’s gonna do is beat YOU down.



I do too – so don’t talk about it – do it. What do you want to change about yourself….psstt….I bet ya gonna say controlling – that fine. IF you were controlling then change it. The bigger question YOU should be asking and if you look inside yourself you will see that I am right….the bigger question is WHY were you controlling.



I want the world to be happy dude. Which do I control (hint….there is only ONE correct answer)?


Become a better person a better man and maybe just maybe you will get your M back.


A dude that is in touch with his sensitive side….I like that.

Love you say….

Can you let her go….in the name of LOVE?

Can you stop chasing her as* and become the man that you want to be….in the name of LOVE?

Can you stand by YOUR vows when some hot chick starts hitting on YOU and you think your W is with other man…..In the name of LOVE?

AND

Can you learn to LOVE YOURSELF first so that you can go and get your W back….In the name of LOVE?


God Bless,
Eric

I’ve been reading the book “No more mr. nice guy”. There are some interesting observations in it that I think apply to me. One thing that has struck me is the idea of “covert contracts”. If I do this for you, then you’ll do this for me. Well, I do this.

Right now, I don’t know how to do much about this. EVERYTHING I do seems to be in order to get her to commit to the marriage. I’ll do anything for that. So it seems very difficult to do things for her just because it is the right thing, or she needs it. So, I’ll work on doing things for others.


I think the LL concept is central to my sitch. The book is on order. I’d like to spend some time with it before I answer.


I agree with that. I don’t know if she would, but she will admit the A is wrong and she wishes it hadn’t happened. I think she wishes she’d had the strength to just leave. Would that have been better? I don’t know. I think I’d feel more responsible.


Right now I think I need to work on me. One way, and one I really NEED to do, is to be more open to other people and accept their help. It is generally impossible for me to ask for help. I don’t know why. I think I know better, or I’m faster . . . Basically arrogance. Right now I have to rely on others because the sitch is too big for me to handle alone.

The other, and I think is a corollary is to be more patient and listen more. In intellectual pursuits I’m good at this. In other areas, especially personal or emotional ones, not so much. I get this from my parents. I’m working on it. I have my first telephone call with a professional counselor tomorrow. W wants me to do this. Two months ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of it. Not it seems impossible not to. I won’t tell W about this. It is for me. If I tell her, it becomes more about her.

I like that.


OK, What to I have to do. Specifics? Lets see.
1) Realize that Intellectual pursuits and money are not everything. Friends, family, relationships, emotions and other areas are important, even when they are hard
2) Work on my own health. I’m in good health, but I avoid the doctor and dentist like the plague. This can impact others.
3) When the time is right, prioritize my W. Never let there be another doubt that I love, honor and cherish her. If she still wants a D? That is out of my control
4) Work on increasing my own energy. Stop being lazy. I think this is due in part to anxiety. Find solutions to this even if they are medical.
5) Stop thinking, if I avoid it, it will go away.
6) Return to my old hobbies and look to make new friends. Both my W and I need the space from each other. Now and (hopefully) in the future.