Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Blindsided

You need substantial evidence and there are people better suited to discuss how and if you even have enough to confront. Just by asking that question you are not in a position to handle any response or reaction he would give.

I've just skimmed through your posts and see that you "think" he might be depressed? Is this still the case?

What have you been doing in regards to handling the R with him? Are you discussing the M at all? Are you pursuing or are you just keeping your distance?

My H had an 18 month A when he felt neglected by me. It doesn't mean it's the end.

What do you know about OW? Is she married?

Read my thread on forgiveness in infidelity and Lotus' thread on Retrouvaille.

Exposure is a tricky one, but often it works best if OP is M'd and you can firstly go to their S. Whether you should expose or not is something only YOU can know, as only you walk in your shoes......and you live with the fallout. As you all work together it might be best to try and keep it all out of the work place, if possible, as it will split loyalties and embarrass folks. It might also put all your jobs in jeopardy.

Do you think OW pursued your H and took advantage of his state of mind? The fact that he looked 'rough' could well be to your advantage as it is probably a good sign he is in inner turmoil. Often when an A becomes public and real, and the practicalities of living with the A partner hit them, the cheating S recoils from what is happening. When that happens the OW can end up being your best 'help' in that their pursuing can drive your S away a bit. Often a lot is in luck and timing unfortunately.

Like you I had been seeing a T to help me improve myself and my H did notice- it was a major factor in saving my M.

Before you discovered about OW, your H seemed to be seeing your improvements and liking your 180's. I don't agree with the poster that said not to give your H gifts etc. If that is his LL ans if it is a 180 that works, then use it....although things have moved on a bit since that was under discussion.

How much do you WANT to be M'd to your H?

Blgp,

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Weekends are very slow around here.

I do know that the affair being a secret adds to the excitement of it. The brain chemicals of being 'in love' makes even the smartest of people act like idiots.

You may want to post on the Infidelity board. They can give you advice on how to go about confronting him if you decide that's what you want to do.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help in this area. I didn't have to contend with this problem as my H told me about the ow when he dropped the bomb and moved in with her the next day.

You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders and are very strong. That will serve you well in this.

Thanks everyone. I truly, truly appreciate you all.
She is not married, no boyfriend (expect apparently my H).

Yes, my H has been seeing my 180 and is still interested. Can't seem to help himself about asking how things are going etc.

He does not seem as depressed but I don't know. When I asked him how he was doing this week (after he asked me and I said Good!) he gave me a down cast look and a frown that he was 'OK'. Since he wanted to point out to me that he went to the gym and quit taking sleeping pills, these are signs he is coming out of his depression.

Today I have a very hard time answering how much I want to be married to my H. I can only think of his negative attributes right now and my level of respect for him has taken a major nose dive... as will that of our collegues once this all comes out...

Holy sh#t. Yes, I am strong. I think that is what attracted him to me and scared him away all at the same time. I certainly didn't know how strong I was until all of this hit.

For the moment, whilst you compose yourself and decide what to do, I would try to take the high road and act professionally whilst treating your H as you would a pleasant acquaintance/ pet owner. I know this will be hard but you don't want to burn your bridges.

Also you could ring a DB C up and get some advice/ support?

Lol - I had the same problem. I had trouble with the warm fuzzy side. Actually in my sitch, once I knew of the A, pursuing my H helped because it was a 180. He had felt neglected by me before - a bit as though he was a spare part. I had made him feel surplus to requirements.....whilst that was never my feeling nor my intention.

Oh, sorry forgot to answer. Not pursuing, have been "friendly neighbors".
Yes, she appears to definitely be taking advantage of the situation. The e-mails are her initiating. She plays a very sweet, innocent role at work. I have no doubt she will drive him away. She is very motivated to get married/have kids, settle down right away... a reason she is (was) still single. How long will it take? I don't know. He will feel incredibly trapped and disillusioned when it happens. I do know him well enough to know that.
Yes, no doubt his is in inner turmoil. It is like he is having a MLC at 33.

I don't really believe in 'MLC' - I do believe that at different times of our lives we can have a 'transitional crisis'....age doesn't always seem a good gauge.

I have to sign off now as I am in the UK and need to go to bed. I will try to check in again early tomorrow.

Good luck

Saffie, Yes, I already left a msg for a DB to get back to me ASAP tomorrow!!
Yep, had trouble with the warm fuzzy side. I problem since his culture is very warm and fuzzy! How did you get him to see your softer side. I don't want to do the pursuing thing and push him further into her arms.