I ask though, why is he trying? Is he trying so I won't tell the kids and won't force him out so he can continue cake eating? OR... is he actually trying to regain some feelings?
He really doesn't know what he wants. Trying to understand this with a rationale mind will drive you bat chit.
The only other thing I can say is that there is nothing wrong with trying to "PAVE THE WAY" for him to come home(or back to you). Mirroring his actions is usually fine. However boundaries should take precedence over "paving the way"
There is a resource in MLC on Pursuit and distance her is the link maybe this will help.
Good info. (I thought I wasn't going to get to it until later but had a little time.)
I was aware of this psychological concept of pursuing/distancing. It's a big part of Dobson's theories which I've read countless times, and also covered on our New Beginnings weekend.
I have been pretty good about not pursuing for the most part. I had not taken it so far as not doing his laundry or cooking for him, but I do not contact him at work at all and I leave him alone at home. If I do text/email/call him, it is specifically about the kids. I've been doing things with friends but most of that happens during the day, not when he's home at night. My friends are - good for them - with their spouses/families at night/weekends. I concentrate on my school work. He does know that I have read/researched a lot on marriage improvement, but I do not do it around him and do not mention it to him.
I have not gone dark, esp. living in the same home, but I'd say somewhat dim. The only thing we've done together the last few months involve things for the children.
Sorry to hear things have gone downhill. Is he willing to write this woman a no contact letter with you seeing it and the response? Is he willing to be completely transparent and give you passwords to all his email accounts? What does he want? Because in most states men are limited to just one wife. Retrouvaille could help you if he gets rid of the OW first.
If he is not getting rid of the OW, then I think you do need to tell him to find somewhere else to live. Being married and raising children does not go well with dating.
Yes, Lotus, it's sad that things have taken a turn for the worse. Here I was posting on your Retro thread that things were progressing. (I do agree that Retro would be good if OW is gone.)
Is he willing to do the No Contact/Transparency, etc...??? I don't know yet, quite frankly. I mentioned the other night he would have to get rid of her if we are going to even begin to try to work on things. I have waited on the no contact/transparency discussion. Not because I'm not willing to enforce that, but I am gathering my emotions. Not only that, but am trying to gather more intel as well. I would like to see if I can get concrete proof of some things and don't want to tip his hand.
As a sidenote: I THOUGHT I had forwarded all the emails/msgs to myself from his blackberry. Unfortunately, they did not go through and I have no idea why! It was 3am and I was pretty distraught when I did it...so...no wonder. It's just so aggravating! I did delete the sent msgs from his phone to me, but they still should've gone through and just deleted off his phone. Who knows. Of course, I could still bluff and say I did so and he wouldn't know they didn't go through - if I need to say I have them.
Gritter, this leads me to your point: I've detached quite a bit but not enough, I'm sure. Yes: I need to enforce the boundary I set down months ago. Do I believe he fully knew the expectation of it? Well, he should have but I was not cut and dry (you do A and B will be the consequence) but I did say I would not live in an open marriage.
So yes, I need to enforce. How? Is the only way to enforce at this point to kick him out? The only softer option I see is demanding the No Contact letter/transparency, etc...
Last night I spent several hours gathering myself together away from home - in a dang parking lot nonetheless - so I would not explode and just tell him to get the H out. Mainly because I want full control of my emotions - and better evidence if I can get it - before broaching this.
In any case, before I invest any further in this R, H would have to get rid of OW once and for all and be totally open and honest.
What am I prepared to do if not assured it can be saved? I don't know. At this point I am prepared to protect myself from further harm from this man and not to put myself back in the position of him hurting me over and over. That's all I know for sure.
Is H in MLC? He's in some kind of crisis, that's for sure. I will read more into that info but right now I'm not sure I care anymore about what he is going through. What about what I'm going through? What about the pain he has willingly inflicted on me and the pain his actions have caused to our 3 children, and the example set for our 2 teenage sons esp.??? This isn't just pain talking - this is my gut saying I have to do whatever it is that I can do to protect my children and try to teach them this is not healthy behavior. I have this righteous anger in me that is burning that he has modeled this cr@p to these innocent kids at such a vunerable time in their lives. I'm not sure what to do with that at the moment. Well, except to channel it into healthy behavior for myself. I'm not sure how to undo this damage it will cause the kids in the future and that is extremely upsetting to me. I know history tends to repeat itself and I'm very worried for my boys. (At least D19 is off at college, so not as exposed. Although, I know that does not mean no repercussions to her.)
This is always the hardest point Sunny is making those decisions... And you have a psych major!
MarriageAdvocates offers half decent advice on this too if you want to broaden perspective.
As said before he doesn't have to cheat... He's "prowling"... its more than enough to push him to make a choice between B and C... No more cake eating A choice
