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Sorry gutwrenching, didn't mean to be insensitive, of course you know how painful this is!
I agree with both of you. I have been doing my best to be positive and show the positive changes not only in front of him but our mutual friends. I do not bad mouth him. I agree that this would not be beneficial. He truly is a wonderful person, but flawed just like me... this doesn't mean I don't fantasize about keying his precious car or taking a sledgehammer to it at times
I have one tight-lipped friend that I can vent my frustrations to. She is also pro-marriage so I feel safe talking to her. Otherwise, I put on a brave face...
Next month is going to be particularly challenging as I will be spending 3 weeks working in the same area as him. I have scaled back my running to every other day or so but will have to probably pick it back up to every day to get through it!
Thanks for the advice, it is really comforting to get feedback.

blgp,

One thing I've learned is not to talk yourself into believing something. Why will it be particularly challenging spending 3 weeks working in the same area. You know your H. You've spent countless years, months, days, hours together. You can handle working closely just as you can handle being apart from him. Be in the driver's seat. Believe that it does not need to be any harder. You are coping. You are GALing and becoming stronger.

Run, use the board, talk with friends, but don't convince yourself that anything will be harder that it needs to be.

BLGP
I certainly didn't take it as insensitive, I was trying to let you know that I'm here to help because my sitch had a lot of similarities.

A few months into my sitch, I found a friend, co-worker, who I was finally able to talk to about all this and it helped.

Three weeks is nothing. You will be fine. Focus on the work and don't worry about the rest, don't think about how it might be (it will be different), and don't worry about a bad day or get excited about a good day. Just take it one day at a time and deal it with it when the time comes.

As far as telling co-workers. That is tough. You have to evaluate your situation and what you are comfortable with. I never did tell people at work and don't have regrets. There are a million things I did wrong and wish I had done differently, but this is not one of those. Our work situation was/is unique...only you can evaluate yours.

Well, you were both right. It has not been difficult, so far, working together. In fact, the last 2 days have been good. I go about my day and let him approach me if he wants to. He engaged me in conversation today and let me know he is going back to the gym, had gone this morning. Also let me know he quit sleeping pills about 6 days ago... a small area of contention between us as he relied on them pretty heavily (long family history of insomnia), then he wanted to know about me and if I had run this morning, was I wearing reflective gear, carrying mace etc.
Later in the day he winked at me. This is much more like the 'happy-go-lucky' person he was in the past. More importantly, he did it in front of a co-worker that I wondered if he could possibly be involved with. I didn't really think he was but I was looking so hard to see if there was anyone and she was the only person I could think of. I know, I know, it doesn't mean there isn't someone else but honestly, I really don't think there is.
I am taking all of these things as small steps but trying to not get too excited about them. I prepare myself that he will pull back again in the near future. I am hoping to keep the lines of communication open enough for him to consider seeing Michele with me.
I don't feel like telling anyone at work right now. I had the urge before but I think I can at least wait and see what happens for a little while.
I am amazed at how different men and women are in their desire to open up and talk to someone about this stuff. As a woman, it is the first thing I do. As a man, I don't see how you all can hold it in so much! For instance, he spends most of his time with his brother and sister-in-law. The sister-in-law also trains in the same department as him (he is her boss essentially). Her and I just talked yesterday for the first time really in weeks and he clearly hasn't told her anything about what is going on in my life (regarding stuff that I have changed and has clearly bothered him a little) or that he contacts me as often as he does. Yet, he has kept me pretty well up-to-date on what is happening with them. I find it baffling. I would have exploded keeping all of that in!
I hope all is going well with both of you, it sounds as though things are?

BLGP -
I think you are taking the right approach for now, cause from what you write, it is hard to tell what is going on. So, focus on doing what works...doing whatever it is that drives interest in you. And with that he will hopefully see the changes and maybe one day let the wall down.

There will be pullbacks...be prepared...and it will suck when he pulls back.

The wink means nothing in reference to possible OW. Think about it, if the two of them are involved and keeping it hidden and wanting to keep it hidden to you, then the wink would be to throw you off. Yes, a spouse in an A will plot to do things to throw you off their trail...so just keep an eye out for everything.

"it is hard to tell what is going on."

I couldn't agree more!! I often think he doesn't know what he really wants. I think he takes comfort in knowing he will still see me at work.

Yes, it sounds like your approach is working. At least in the sense that you two can work together. I also agree not to tell people at work. There is no sense in making things harder for you two if there is a R.

For me. Things are not good. I'm the optimistic type and it got the best of me. Good luck to you and keep having hope.

Sure, it is working... but is it working too well??? He is really treating me as a 'pal' like all is well. We talked a little this morning and were asking each other how things are going etc. I happily shared all of my progress in myself and listened to his (same as the other day). He then started in talking about refinancing the house to pay me etc. I found an opportunity to let him know gently that I am still interested in seeing a counselor for clarity/closure etc. Told him about seeing Michelle and having it done in 2 days as opposed to weekly sessions for awhile... he listened, at first said he needs more time, maybe around January we could go. Then we got cut off as we were talking and it was left hanging. Hopefully he will think about it. We definitely had a good discussion, he brought me some things from the house he knew I needed for running etc. Told me he noticed I have lost weight and he has too (not that either of us needed to).
He goes camping this weekend with his brother and sister-in-law, ugh, I suspect they do the typical family thing described in Michelle's book...

Working too well...I don't think so. Just go with things for now. AS for MC, now let it go. You gently mentioned it, planted the seed, don't bring it up again. I doubt he is yet in a place to be willing to really put effort into it.

Remember this is going o take a long time, I know it sucks to hear and you hope to be the exception, but rarely are there exceptions.

Being his pal isn't bad right now...will give him something to miss...I suspect like most, eventually you will have to let him go and make him feel what its like not to have you as a fallback plan and not to have you in his life...so having a strong friendship to lose is not necessarily a bad thing

Keep expectations low, keep doing what works, be proud of progress you have made

Yes, I agree, I planted the seed and have no intention of bringing it up again.
It is so hard to be patient. Especially at this time in my life. I need a level of concentration unlike ever before to finish my program. You're right, I would love to be the exception.
I do think he will have to miss me for some time before there is a chance of going forward.
I was very, very proud of my progress yesterday. Doing 'OK' today. It has been weighing me down trying to find the opportunity for letting him know I still want to go to counseling to learn from this.
I will definitely back off again.