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TAMF ... (and Alb too)...

So much I want to say to both of you ... it's coming ... I'm swamped at work but wanted to let you know that I'm following and want to offer my perspective ...

Been there, done that,
PEI

TAMF,

Here is what I see….

AND just FTR, you know your H and YOURSELF better than anyone else.

He may be processing…yes…he may. Your sitch is a lot like Alb’s and what concerns me is that as a male…he might be thinking that although he knows that you are NOT okay with OW…you may be willing to deal with it, which really alleviates any pressure he may feel to 1) look at himself 2) realize that he does not have to change a thing…at least for now and 3) as I would say….chit or get off the fuc*ing pot.



To me the bigger questions is…..how long will continue to give yourself to a man that has not committed to YOU?

I am not trying to beat on you TAMF. As a man I will tell you that he just may be losing some respect for YOU. He may be very happy to keep things status quo. I get some from the girlfriend and I get some from home. Cool.

Question # 2 – can you have a open M? Hey, I’m not knocking it either. Not my cup of tea per se BUT to each is own.

Question # 3 – You say you are strong (our FB message), can you be strong enough to stand up for what YOU believe in? Do you believe that an open R is healthy?

Look sweetie, honestly I am not trying to piss you off or tell you what you did was wrong. Nah….as I said…part of me is a little jealous. I just want to make sure that at the end of the day, YOU do not walk away feeling used and taken advantaged off.


Is he? Or is he and YOU caught in this web.

Is this the web you want to be tangle in?

Once again, JMO – either way I hope that he realizes what he has and comes running home.

Hey one other question….

Are you in this for the immediate return or the long term return?

As I suggested...go read PEI and Missher's thread.

God Bless,
Eric

I'm posting it to my thread so as to not potentially hijack yours ... we can come back here to discuss as it relates to your sitch ...

I'm heading out of town so I'll be slow to respond for the weekend.

Peace
PEI

Hellllloooooooo .... is there anybody there??????????

LOL ... hey girl, what's happening?

PEI

My goodness, I haven't been posting at all! I am way behind, but I have been really busy at work and my laptop crashed at home. Anyway, I have a little time before my event at work tonight, so I thought I would let everyone know what is going on...

I would say overall, I am happy. Not miserable at all. not even sad. But I do have a lot of anxiety. I am analyzing and thinking too much. I am constantly wondering if what I say or do is the right thing. When I should just be living my life not wondering if my actions are affecting my H. But it is so ding-dong hard to actually do that when all I really want is for my H to love me again. I am detaching...I don't call or text at all - I only reply to his.

Last Saturday, the kids were out of town wtih my mom. H came over to see me - no other reason for him to come over. I told him that I am causing him to lie again...only this time to the OW. I know he tells her that he loves her, but he spends all this time with me. He has had sex with me. I KNOW he hasn't told her that. With all of the secrets and lies that he has discovered his parents have told him, he keeps saying that he doesn't want anymore lies - no more secrets in his life - and yet he is now doing it again with the OW! All of ths lying was making me feel like the OW.

When I told him this, he said,"YOU R MY WIFE NOT THE OW!" I told him that tech. I am, but we are no longer in a relationship. and if he is telling this girl that he loves her, how can he hold me the way he does, kiss me the way he does? It isn't right and I don't want any part of it anymore.

He sat there and said that he honestly doesn't know what he wants - a life with me or a life with her. It is all he thinks about. He doesn't sleep anymore and is having anxiety attacks for the first time in his life. He is terrified that if he gives the OW up and goes back to me, that I will eventually figure out that I hate him and then we will be miserable. He doesn't think we could get past this.

The last couple of days, he has withdrawn. little to no communication. Which is okay with me. He needs time. Weird thing is that he has vacation next week and has had plans to get the house completely ready to put up for sale. There isn't that much work to be done. He asked if I was taking any time off too - strange. I said that I hadn't planned on it, but could look into it if he wanted me to. He said yes, he wanted me too.

I am taking next Wed. thurs. fri off - so we will see what happens. Question is...did he ask me to take the time off to spend time with me or just to help him with the house? Who knows?

I am just tired of everything :-)

TAMF,

I assume that you have seen my response to Alb and the two of you seem to be in a similar sitch.


So you are struggling if you should use Scott Paper towel or Bounty uh….

I think you answered yourself below




No one said this chit was easy and hey based on your signature you have only been at this for a few months. So girly, put on the big girl panties already will ya!


Why not just keep falling in love with yourself…..

Can you control YOUR H?

How do you recieve love?


Are you? If I recall you just had an “episode” a few days ago. Is that detachment? I am not saying you were wrong what I am saying is that your ACTIONS need to speak NOT your words. IMO, you sent your H mixed signals. He got what he wanted. YOU rewarded bad behavior.


Great way to feed his ego IMO. Do you think that he is accepting responsibility for his actions when he gets to have both of YOU? Did you cause HIM to lie? Really? is that what you think?

As a man, and one who went through his own crisis (and I am not YOUR H), I can tell you that he will fu*k with your head. He will tell you anything that you need to hear so that HE does not have to make a choice. Pretty good deal for HIM that is….how about TAMF? Can TAMF feel good thinking she is the OW?


Do you know for sure? Are you in the room with them? To me, this is YOUR insecurity speaking.


Why shouldn’t he spend more time with you. Once again, he gets the best of both worlds. What does TAMF get outside of an "X" (I'll let you figure out what X is)? That really is the question isn’t it.


Do you know that? What if he did and she said she was fine with it. Then how would YOU feel? Do you wanna be the OM?



His ACTIONS should speak NOT his words.


Do YOU like feeling like the OW? If not, then what will YOU do about it? I am not saying go file, I am saying how about TAMF say to herself that she deserves what she gives, which is a commitment to ONE person – not TWO.


Depends on how YOU define an R. He may have a different definition of an R right now. What if this is HIS definition? Are you comfortable with it?


This ^^^^^ is the best thing I read in your post. Can you live up to it?


Chit does he have to choose….if I was him, what’s the rush. I get to have you sexually and come over when I want and hey when I want the other one – I get her too. So what is the rush.


It probably is. Is that YOUR problem? Did you go and f*ck someone else and complicate YOUR M? NO – I suspect not. His problem….yet I can see YOU still trying to fix it for him. Ohh…..poor…poor…hubby….let me make it all better and maybe you will come back to me.

Fu*k dat TAMF – You deserve better and so does he. He deserves the time that you give him to figure his own chit out. You deserve to become the woman that you want to be in your life. A woman that can stand on her conviction and beliefs. A woman that does not NEED a man to validate her. A woman that wants a man to WANT her and SHOW her…not by words but by ACTIONS. And more importantly a woman that is HEALED and HEALTHY.

FTR, I miss my W - I really do. Guess what, she will either accept me for who I am and who I have become or guess what? She can go pound sand. She does not define me anymore. Does that mean I hurt any less - no it means that I love myself and understand that I deserve the best in my life. Right now, my W cannot give me that. Can she in the future? Who knows? what I do know is that this time is for both of us. My gift to her, her gift to me. I only say this to you as an example TAMF...only as an example.


His feelings – that HE will need to deal with.


Read the MLC resources again….he peeked out and went running back in. The bigger questions is does this change what you do for you? Or were you making these changes just to get him back? Be honest TAMF….be honest….is this new YOU OR just a trick to get him back or is this new you…the real you? Only you have the answer and no need to tell me. Hey, as someone once said to me….”I’m just words on a screen”!



Answer – stop trying to figure out what he is thinking and worry about what TAMF is thinking.


This MLC chit isn’t for the weak of heart. Think ya strong enough? Think ya got what it takes? If so, then don’t tell me or him – SHOW HIM!

Hey TAMF – one question for YOU…

What does RESPECT mean to YOU?

You can do better TAMF - I know you can!

God Bless,
Eric

Holy cow - I haven't posted since 10/22! Lots going on in my life, and my laptop has crashed at home. Only time I have on a computer is at work and I am ramping up for an event so I haven't had much extra time on the computer.

If a certain friend would stop texting me I might be able to actually type something! LOL!!!!

Anyway, my H and I have been spending LOTS of time together. We have talked about everything. He is talking about coming back but he doesn't know how. He has so much presure on him...his family issues, his mom, our kids, me, the OW, guilt, fear of hurting more people. He is standing perfectly still because he doesn't know what tunnel to go down. Cause no matter what tunnel he chooses, he hurts someone. He had a long talk with D12 last night. niether one of them told me details, just that it was a good talk. D left the conversation with hope that we are going to get back together...that scares the hell out of me because what if we don't? When I questioned H about it, he said that there is hope. But I am like a protective bear with my cubs - I don't want them to get hurt.

D12 said to me, "I am scared mommy, I feel like daddy is coming back to us and I am scared that you don't want him anymore." I told her that I still want our relationship to work, but I am cautious. I don't want to get hopeful and then get hurt.

I have a friend that is going through a divorce because her husband is having an affair. He stopped giving her money - she can't make her house payments. Had to drop her internet and cell phone and can't make her son's car insurance payments (he is a senior in HS). Today on her son's FB page he wrote:

so basically, the bitch that my dad is with now can suck my d@*k, and when shes done, my dad can have his turn, cause he is the biggest piece of crap i've ever known, hands down.

I read this and felt so sick...he used to be so close to his dad. This will live with him the rest of his life. His mom is so very bitter and angry. I can't reach her...she has disappeared into a world of revenge and hatred.

When I see this situation happening before my eyes, I think to myself how lucky I am that my H - ALTHOUGH with another woman - has not done anything whatsoever with our finances. He doesn't spend any money. He spends so much time with our girls. Comes over to the house and does laundry and takes out the trash, cleans the leaves off the driveway and deck. We don't fight at all. We are still able to sit next to each other at our Ds volleyball game. My sitch is messed up , but it could be so much worse.

Now granted, he just recently started doing most of these things, but my financial status has always been good and never in jepardy.

He has asked to take me to dinner for my birthday this weekend when he is home from work. I told him okay. We will see what happens.

by the way...thank you to all of my friends that I have made on this site! Without you all, I might have ended up like my friend all bitter and angry. With your help, I have been able to reach deep inside to discover a new level of compassion and forgiveness. It has made me a better person. someone that I am proud of, and I know my girls can be proud of too.

Today at 3pm my girlfriends at work are taking me for happy hour and then pizza and wine for dinner.

Then my H is meeting me for drinks for my b-day. I will let everyone know how that goes. We both agreed that we don't want the girls to know because thier expectations are already very high that we are getting back together and I don't want them getting excited when we are SOOOOOOOOO far away from getting back together.

The OW is still in the picture - she is still his self-medication for his depression.

Regardless, I am looking forward to a great birthday weekend!

TAMF,

My good buddy! I hope you have a fantastic birthday! I swear I will do my best to try and catch up with you this weekend. The last few weeks have been hectic around here. Glad to see there is some forward momentum in your R. I know what you mean about protecting the kids. Heck, my H told me point blank he's leaving OW and moving back in. I STILL haven't said anything to D, just in case. MLC is a scary monster beast. You never know what it's going to do. Anyhow, enjoy your weekend!

Had a great birthday weekend. H and I spent a lot of time together. we went to our Ds swim meet together on Saturday - first time he was around that group of friends since the bomb dropped. He was nervous, especially because we are not back together. Everyone was very nice and treated him like normal. He stuck next to me like glue. After the meet we went hiking. He is still in his phase of what I call, "stillness". If he doesn't move one way or another nothing happens and he doesn't have to hurt anyone or cause himself more anxiety. I told him that he has so much weight on his shoulders and that he needs to fix himself and his family issues before we could even consider working on our relationship. I asked him if he would think about going to a counselor just for him - not us. He said that he didn't know, he had never really thought of himself as a guy that would spill his guts to a stranger, but maybe.

Saturday night I had a birthday party for our friend - my H had been invited separately so that he knew he could come. He knew I was going to go. He text me while I was there and said he was in the parking lot and was thinking about coming in for one drink, but didn't want to go in unless I was there. He came in and stayed next to me the whole time. Bunch of guys he works with came up to talk to him. They are friends with my dad, so I didn't know how that would go. but it was all good.

He drove me home from the party and the girls were spending the night with a friend - so I was alone. We had both decided that we were not going to have sex again unless we got back together. So we kissed lightly and said goodnight.

The next day was my birthday and he called me in the morning wanting to see me to give me a birthday hug. I was already out and about with my mom and not home, so I didn't see him. He didn't call or text for the rest of the day or night. I thought that he had withdrawn again. Which is okay - he has a lot to think about and work on.

Got a text first thing this morning that said:

Sorry about yesterday. left my phone at (friend's name)& couldn't find it til later last night. we tied a good one on last night. Hope you had a good bday.

Didn't reply to his email until about 10:30am. Just said he didn't have anything to apologize for - no problem.

I am worried that even though the time he has been spending with me is because HE wants to - not because I ask - it might be overwhelming him. stressing him out that he feels he has to make a choice between the OW and me. I don't ever say anything, but the feeling is there all the same.

It is hard to detach. So hard to detach. I FEEL like he is making so much progress...but I am trying keep my distance so I don't get hurt again. ARGGGGG! so hard.

Meanwhile, I have a smile on my face...happiness in my thoughts! It has been a great weekend and a happy Monday!