Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Here's a story...of a very sad lady

I was really hoping it was funny...could use some of that!

I should have talked to him last night, I was feeling strong. Today I feel like a mess, I think it is the enormity of it crashing down on me. It is all moving so quickly, told me last Monday and we are already separating. Last time it took 8 months to get to the separating stage and I had time to build the strength for that. And I know I will get looks of anger because I'm not moving back to the Northeast, which is what he wants me to do. But, it is about what I want to do (and best for the boys), no more of this bending to his wishes crap! I gotta stay strong..repeat often.

You are strong and you can do this. Ignore the "looks of anger" - it's just him acting like a child. You and the boys are most important. Good luck.

As you pointed out we are in similar situations. I also plan to stay in my new relocated location for a while as well. And I'm also expecting those death glares of anger that are really his GUILT.

Be strong Dagny!

Well, we talked. He confirmed there is someone else. I don't know who she is, when it started, where he met her. I know nothing and I don't know if I want to know anything. Would it do any good?

He even brought tissues for me during our walk. He said now he knows what he has to do -- get an apartment. He will stay at the house 1 week a month while I have to travel for work. We talked a bit about how we will divide assets. He said that he won't be an [censored] this time (his words, not mine, though I agree with his sentiments). Last time his stance was I need to go get a job and support myself and I wouldn't get a penny of his 401k. This time he said whatever the courts decide will be fine. He'll come visit the kids 2 weekends a month (he is already planning our move). He said he won't ask me for a time-line! I didn't say a peep about Christmas break. I keep repeating it to myself, I'll stick around here until then, stay strong until then. Though last night I just wanted to pack the kids in the van and leave.

I don't know where to go from here. I did a good job last night of just listening and didn't issue a single sarcastic comment (they kept a constant stream in my head). He even wanted to know if we/he should tell the children there is an OW! Sure, lets tell the kids we are splitting and daddy has a girlfriend, that will help.

Horrible night last night, just couldn't sleep. He came up and asked me this morning if there was anything he could do for me. I said, haven't you done enough? I think if I can set a goal for only one sarcastic comment a day, that would be good. So I have to behave the rest of the day. I truly hate him at this moment.

I'm so sorry, Dagny. Telling the kids will be very difficult, for sure.

Do you have a good atty yet?

Puppy

Okay, explain the little bo peep concept, please, not sure I'm following. I must confess I haven't picked up the DB book I just bought, but I thought part of DBing was to listen to them, to validate their thoughts, that is where I was going with the be their friend concept. Not putting demands on him, letting him do what he feels he must do. Do you dissagree with that?

Now that I know there is an OW, my personality is much more to the let them free mentality than an aggressive attach of ending the affair. That would require a lot of my energy being spent on their relationship, where I see a much greater return on investment if I focus my energies and me and my kids.

Thoughts anyone?

Little Bo-Peep refers to the whole "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them." Since affairs -- most believe -- are ADDICTIONS, and since addictions tend to ESCALATE, rather than die on their own, I don't believe this is an effective approach.

Now, if one wants to say "I'm done; I'm letting you go," and MEAN that, that can -- ironically -- WORK. But it's naive to take a stance of "I'll just not address the infidelity, because it'll just die on its own," because I've never seen ANY addiction behave on that arc.

Puppy

I think I avoided being little bo peep last night, I said I knew he was invovled with someone else and it was time to be honest. He agreed and said that a mutual friend had convinced him to come "clean". So, in that regard, I'm not letting him off the hook for his responsibility in this. I hate the idea of me being a little bo peep, I don't want to be weak, I don't want to refuse to face the reality of my own life.

Ironic, isn't it, to really, truly let them go would be the best approach to save a M? If that is the case, why do I stay here and not go back home with the kids?

Is staying here for me (desperate attempt to still save M) or for the kids (ability to have both parents in close proximity during initial stages).

Life seems to just being throwing questions at me without answers these days.

You're not "weak," Dagny. The fact that you faced him down and took the blast of WANTING to hear the truth about his infidelity attests to that. I give you major props for that.

I don't think "standing" equates with "weak," so long as it's part of some finite PLAN to do so. If it's done out of some combination of fear, co-dependency and doormat behavior ... that's different.

Puppy

Another rough night, I am just so surprised at myself for falling apart so completely. We talked just a bit, he said what can I do for you? I looked at him and simply said, be honest. He then said, "I am! Last night was very hard for me" (telling me about the OW). Should I give him a pat on the back for telling me about all the lies he has been saying? I just stared at him and said nothing.

Anyway, we tell the kids tonight and on Saturday he moves into his apartment.

What do I do now? He's in love, he plans to marry her someday. How do I get through the next two days?