Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC=Twilight Zone/When do I wake up?

Warrior,


I am not gonna 2X4 you Warrior.

I want you to think of something for a second…..How do you feel right now. I mean really?

Do you think that you can change her?

Do you think that the hug is some small sign?

You say you had no expectation and I am going to call bullchit on it. I often as I said I had no expectations I did.

Let me ask you a question.. In the past were you affectionate with her or were you like me a cold insensitive prick?

Warrior, these interactions are hard dude. Sometime to peek out, give you a little hope and then they run back in. Be careful. Know going in to your next hug fest that you just may get hurt. Be careful.


I will be there in spirit dude!


Can you make it 5 cold ones for me – Lol.

Eric

The "ones" you refer to.......

Would that be "cases"

Preparing now!!!!

There is no way I am going to change her. No chance in that. She

must look within. I see a scared little girl that is very

confused. Monster is not present during this time.

If there is a sign from that hug, it is only friendship at this point.

I see no reason to decline the hug. Again, I had no expectations

on the hug. I have seen this many times before.There is no f'ing

way she is coming out of this anytime soon. That is my

expectation.

The question you have about being affectionate? I have never met

anyone throughout our marriage that was more affectionate than

wife and I. Other couples have told us this. They admitted that

they wanted what my W and I have together.

I would lying to you if I told you I was cold. My problem is that

I tend to be the Mr. Nice guy type of person and that is where I

went wrong. I allowed myself to be controlled. Did not see that

before. I have much to learn.

Let me tell you a little story. When you mention the word "Prick"

that made me think of this:

My W noticed throughout this that I was not going to be an angry

jerk and duke it out with the baiting of arguments that laid

before me. I knew within two weeks of bomb drop that something

MAJOR has happened to my W and started to put the MLC pieces

together. I did not find my way on this site until about 1 month

after bomb drop.



After doing a few acts of service LL, she would be exasperated

and yell at me "Why couldn't you just be a PRICK to me?"

The first time this happened, I was confused. I told the IC about

it and he said "Warrior, the next time she says that, respond

with "I know I was a prick in the past, but I am not going to be

a prick anymore!!"

When he said that, I thought to myself, are you nuts IC? I never

was a prick to her but I kept my mouth shut and followed what he

told me.

I told my circle of support people, I have about 6 people I call

off an on that know my W and me very well. They all said, "But

Warrior, you are not a prick to her." I said "I know but that is

what the IC said I should say." They were noticeably

uncomfortable about this because they think that it is not true.


So again it happened, a few more acts of service and viola!

She says, "Why couldn't you just be a prick to me? This would be

so much easier then!"

I responded the way the IC told me to respond and she was baffled

with that response. That ended that and we moved on that day.

Keep in mind, she never has used the word Prick like that in our

entire marriage. She has a whole new set of colorful words she

uses with her new circle of friends at work.

Eric, this is MLC at its finest. Nothing makes sense. Bomb drop

day, tons of nonsense came spewing forth from her. I have many

stories like this. This thing is going to take a long time.

I get it.

During this time, I have to save myself. While doing that, I am

reading more books and getting more insight then ever before.

I don't know if my W will ever find her way out. If she does,

find her way out, I will be better than before. I already know

that I am. People around me have commented about that.

The IC says, "Warrior, I do not see you alone for the rest of

your life." I did not ask him that question, he gave me that as

a confidence booster I think.


I do not want to appear arrogant and lead you to believe that I

am some perfect H. I am far from it. For 20 years of marriage,

it was not all an act. My W and I both understood each other and

we both were grateful for the wonderful relationship that we had.

MLC is not a one size fits all. My sitch is similar yet different

to a lot who post here.

I look back at the path I have taken since bomb drop. I have made

some mistakes throughout this crisis and I have learned from

them. I am going to make a h@ll of a lot more mistakes. You can

count on that. I have not even reached my 1st I'M DONE yet.

You already are 5 IM DONE's ahead of me.

I have realized looking back though, that there was nothing I

could have done to make things move along faster for her.

For me though, the biggest challenge is to deal with the

emotional pain. The people on the boards have helped keep the

pain to levels that at least I have been able to handle so far.

In the beginnings of this, I was truly a mess. But I had to go

through that pain to find a way to get myself back up again.

The first two things that you have to realize everyday:

1. Take care of yourself.
2. Take care of yourself so you can be a rock for your kids.

Then realize you will have to outlast this crisis. Doesn't matter

if there is an OP. Doesn't matter if you are separated. Doesn't

matter if you are divorced. Legal stuff is all paper and money.

Most LBS probably won't make it. That is understandable. I know

two divorced men that had their W's ask them for another chance

after about 2 years. Both of the men declined because they moved

on.

Was it MLC for them? I don't know. I just

know that my wife probably wrote the MLC book.

Hey WS ... if you are around, hit the HLF room ...

Back in MLC land again.

Yesterday I suggested to my W that since we are both out near

the school where the kids are, (which is about 1/2 an hour from

our house), we meet at the local custard place for the cheap

meal special. She agreed and we all met and had dinner there.

Now she was angry with me for a communication breakdown over who

was to pick up the kids from school just moments earlier. So

after just remembering what Missherlove said on his thread about

his interaction with his W, I thought what the heck, even though

W is angry with me, I will text her to see if we can all eat

dinner together at the custard place and see what response I get.

She texted back that she will meet me there with the boys.

So then we all are at the table eating dinner and W and I are

talking and she says "You know I wanted to find out if you would

want to go out to dinner on one of these nights" I said "Oh?"

She says, "Yes I don't know what night we can make it happen with

how busy everything is but I would like us to go out because of

you know, what Wednesday is, if you want to that is." And then

she adds, "But I don't want to send any mixed signals."


So I said, "Sure that would be great, maybe next week we can make

it happen."

Translation for all of this? Wednesday is our 20th anniversary.

She did not want the kids, who are sitting on the same table, to

hear from her that she wants to go out to dinner for our wedding

anniversary. Because then, why are mom and dad going out to

dinner for their wedding anniversary if they are getting

divorced?

I just want to point out that MLC=confusion is something that

has to become part of you when you are going through this crisis

with them.

Her mood next week? She probably will forget the whole thing.

She is moving out at the end of next week into her new place,

wherever that is.

Now if she goes to dinner? I will be the same Warrior that I have

always been. Use a little DB here and there and MAYBE have a nice

evening. BUT no expectations, and trust me Eric, I will have no

expectations.

Warrior


If you say so....

Personally, I am begining to realize that as much as we do not want to have expectations - we have them. What I also am begining to realize is that it is so important to "manage" those expectations.

So Warrior...IMO, "manage" the expectations dude. It's all you can do.

Eric

Warrior,

You are setting yourself up for a whole building full of expectations....

And the fact that you say "TrustMe"....

Well, you see the state of politics in this country because of that ....

Just because you have dinner, which will happen to be on your Anniversary...

Doesn't mean JackSchmidt right now in her MLC world....

The fact that she doesn't want to "get your hopes up"....

Is projection from her....

I'm not sayin don't go...or do go...

I'm just sayin protect yourself emotionally for an enormous effort on her part to not get your hopes up....

Capiche ?

Sounds like a good plot for a movie.

Like the CIA plot to get your hopes up.

Capiche my friend. My expectation now is that she will probably

blow it off and we won't be going to dinner. I will keep you posted

on that.

Look,

I know she has a long way to go on this. The way I see it, things

are going to get worse before they get better that is IF they get

better.

The dinner thing is truly because of our Anniversary. Why she

wants to acknowledge the anniversary is beyond me. That is what

I keep trying to tell you guys. This has been very whacked from

the start. I know she had already acknowledged that the marriage

is over. That is clear. Why she still wants to go out to dinner

at this point is confusing to me. But hey, If an MLC'r is

confused, does it not stand to reason that their behavior is

confusing? My IC, who both W and I see once a week has told

me many times that my W is confused.

So for me, I would agree that my W is confused. Confusion=MLC.

So yes I have a choice. Do I risk hurting myself by going?

I don't have much to lose. I already have no expectations so

what's left?

Here is what I get from this:

Would she want to go out to dinner with me for any reason if

she was serious with anybody else at this point? Is she going

to go to dinner with me out of sheer guilt? Is it another

platform to hear the crazy rationalization spew forth? Is it

for another "The children will be fine speech?"

I sure can't get in her head right now, but I will tell you this:

Every time I have any real conversation with my W, small amounts

of information that sometimes surprises me leaks out. If I don't

go to dinner with my W because she steps forward and initiates

the request, doesn't that make me an a**hole if I don't go?

If I truly believe that my W is in crisis, and I do, this becomes

a no brainer for me. Is 8 months of hearing the spew, projection,

and nonsense enough experience to make it through a dinner?

I still have a few "I am sorry you feel that way"'s left in

me.

I really appreciate the input from both of you, Mach and Eric.

Oh and BTW, she really wanted the dinner to occur on the night

of the anniversary. She stated that fact. But, because of our

schedules, ability to get a sitter in one day, teacher

conferences, etc. There is no way it can happen tomorrow night.

That is why we both agreed to find a night next week that would

work.

Keep the comments coming, it always makes me think.



As I step through this minefield, I can only really find

the shortest, safest way through, those who have come before me.

YES

My H would get off the plane after seeing OW and immediately drive over to have dinner with D and I. They are confused. Be careful about YOU trying to make logical conclusions by their actions. I'm not saying there IS an OM, but it simply cannot be ruled out based on her crazy actions.