Then I noticed the next day about 5 more txts in which she was asking me to come home and help
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and talk openly about how I have hurt her by neglecting our R. She made it pretty clear that before she could work on our M she first had to work on herself. But with two twin 2 year olds, she has almost no time to do that. This is when I started wondering to myself, "How would a S make anything easier for her? It would only make it harder." I got a message that she was overwhelmed by raising two kids and had no time for herself. We discussed ways to change that
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I sent her a message for the second time in a week today asking her to visit a "neutral" MC with me. That was almost 2 hours ago. She didn't reply to the first one and she's doing the same again. She has me very confused and I can't figure out what she wants from me?
She wants your support, your attention and your love.
Stop trying to fix her by asking her to go to a "neutral" MC.
Become aware of how your wife wants to be loved. Really listen. Be the leader of your family.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well after reading your reply to me, the first thing that comes to my mind is that it sounds very much like post-partum depression. Women can keep it for years if not treated. That can attribute to lack of sexual attraction and so much stress over the kids. (However,she really needs to learn how to control them!)
I think she is in despair and reaching out to you for help (about the children) and yet at the same time, she wants to get away from you. That is why it seems confusing. If she doesn't get some help, you'll wake up to find that she has run away from you, the kids, and home. She won't be able to endure it. Or....she'll try just leaving you, hoping that will take care of her problems (not wanting to leave her babies). Listen, it happens all the time.
Get her help with the children. I would never have made it with twins! Get her out of the house....with you and without the kids. Get her some classes in how to manage twins who are at the terrible two's.
Next, don't ask..."take" her to a doctor who specializes in post-partum depression and hormone treatment.
Right now "you" are the one she is depending upon, even if you feel like you aren't. You are the head of your home, the protector and leader. Help your wife before she has a nervous breakdown....or finds another man who will be glad to make her feel better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, the exclusionary feelings can be hard to deal with sometimes. But I am good at sinking into hobbies, reading, etc. She never replied to me asking to see a new MC. I don't really know why. Perhaps she's not ready. Perhaps she just wants to coast along for now at her own pace. I have no idea. She's not forcing any issues such as S or anything at the moment. She knows how dedicated I am to the family and deep down she needs my help.
We too go to her parents house for lunch on Sundays. I am fine around her family and they know the score. She has completely cut herself off from my family, tho she will ask how people are doing. She claims it's too uncomfortable to be around them right now.
I seriously believe my W can't handle to workload and stress of dealing with two boys all day long. I think she needs a mild dose of Prozac or something to take the edge off b/c when it gets stressful (i.e. the boys are screaming or crying or something), you can see her blood pressure rise and she will lash out at me.
There is no OM. You can read my original posts, but the short of it is that, especially since the kids were born, we have lived more and more emotionally distant from each other and what issues there were before kids were only magnified.
There is no cheating, drugs, abuse, etc. She let her feelings and perceptions win without confronting them. She feels that I don't care about her and I put myself first. She has been hurt and she is not letting me back in right now.
Since she is not talking about MC, I feel like it might be best to withdraw more and give her a stronger feeling of being alone. Not in a mean, uncaring way. But I have been giving her my best and it doesn't really matter right now. She doesn't acknowledge it. So why bother? She will get my best when she asks for it.
I feel like it might be best to withdraw more and give her a stronger feeling of being alone. Not in a mean, uncaring way. But I have been giving her my best and it doesn't really matter right now. She doesn't acknowledge it. So why bother? She will get my best when she asks for it.
I do not agree with that tatic at all. If this was a WAW in an EA/PA....then I would agree. I see her as a young wife & mother who is overwelmed with all that she has to do every single day. It has taken a toll on her physically and emotionally.
She needs to see your support.....not distanting yourself. She feels that you are not helping her enough. You are gone to business meetings, dinner parties or whatever and she feels stuck and alone up to her chin in diapers and dirty dishes.
Please do not be selfish about this. Your W needs you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I do not agree with that tatic at all. If this was a WAW in an EA/PA....then I would agree. I see her as a young wife & mother who is overwelmed with all that she has to do every single day. It has taken a toll on her physically and emotionally.
She needs to see your support.....not distanting yourself. She feels that you are not helping her enough. You are gone to business meetings, dinner parties or whatever and she feels stuck and alone up to her chin in diapers and dirty dishes.
I agree whole-heartedly with Sandi here. Your W may not be able to see everything you are doing right now. But pulling away will not make her see how you were helping before. It will just her enforce negative emotions of you.
Things are hard right now. But this is the time to man up and be the best father, best husband, best person you can be. As Sandi said, she is very likely sick and overwhelmed. I would treat it as such.
She needs emotional support. If she does not get it from her H, where should she go to get it?
Gosh I could use some sage insight by anyone. I am banging my head against the walls!
Keep banging your head against the wall eventually it starts to feel good
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Fortuately I missed those messages and I stayed at the party. She told me the next morning how difficult it was getting the kids down. I felt bad because her story sounded like a comedy sketch. It was insane. But what does she want from me? Emotionally she is distant and closed, but yet she's trying to drag me back home from a big event I was attending?? I would have been so resentful for leaving
There is a special place in heaven for a mother who raises twins; feel blessed that you need to make sacrifices, also.
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She has me very confused and I can't figure out what she wants from me?
you are suppose to be prince charming that makes everything right and perfect... especially now.
how could you figure out how she could get a break a couple days a week? some time alone or with friends to get out of the routine?
Thank you for all the advice, but I think maybe by saying I was going to withdraw I would try to illicit some sort of reaction from her. I have been the "perfect" husband for 3 straight months and have gotten little to no credit for it. But I am not looking for credit, just a sense that she acknowledges it. As that line in the movie "The Story Of Us" goes, Just a look, a smile, something that lets me know we're on the same team. Oh, BTW, we are both 42, so not young mother, she is coping with being an older mother.
The event I went to was the first time I had gone out alone in months. I don't do that regularly at all. I thought she would be happy to be rid of me for an evening. But when it wasn't going smoothly for her she tried to pull me back in.
I just don't understand how someone can seem so disinterested in my affection yet demand I support her when the going gets rough. I am usually compelled to help for the reasons stated above, but I also wonder that if she wants to truly S then these crazy nights are something she's going to have to learn how to cope with.
I know she's going through a lot, and I am there for her despite getting zero affection. It gets frustrating sometimes. Also, I sent her a message asking her to see a new MC with me and for the second time she never replied. I don't understand it. Is she not ready, would she rather coast along like this until she is? I just hate the perpetual limbo our M is in. I miss the affection of my W. I won't change. My changes are for me and I will not back down. I guess what I am trying to gague is how long it will take, what can I do to crack through.
I thought I had made a dent a few weeks ago during our last MC session. But she backed off and put that wall back up.
Well after reading your reply to me, the first thing that comes to my mind is that it sounds very much like post-partum depression. Women can keep it for years if not treated. That can attribute to lack of sexual attraction and so much stress over the kids. (However,she really needs to learn how to control them!)
I think she is in despair and reaching out to you for help (about the children) and yet at the same time, she wants to get away from you. That is why it seems confusing. If she doesn't get some help, you'll wake up to find that she has run away from you, the kids, and home. She won't be able to endure it. Or....she'll try just leaving you, hoping that will take care of her problems (not wanting to leave her babies). Listen, it happens all the time.
Sandi, would you believe that she DOES have help? 5 days a week, all day long until I get home. My W is high-stress, overbearing and totally consumed by the kids. Any problem becomes a crisis in her head and I really wish she had a low-dose antidepressant to help her. I want to agree with your assesment. I understand what you mean. I won't let her run away, but I really wish I could tell her to seek medical help. I think she may think I am trying to manipulate her by saying so.
Sandi, would you believe that she DOES have help? 5 days a week, all day long until I get home. My W is high-stress, overbearing and totally consumed by the kids.
What kind of help. I offered all sorts of help to my W: baby-sitters, nannys, extra daycare, etc. She didn't need that type of help. She wanted the dad to stay home with the girls so she could go out guilt-free to enjoy some alone time.
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I also wonder that if she wants to truly S then these crazy nights are something she's going to have to learn how to cope with.
She is thiniking of the days in-between when the twins are with the father and she will be able to enjoy that alone time.
gws, I was a lot like you. I went to MC thinking that she would give a little. Neither one of us did. My W did not feel supported and went and seeked out that support from somewhere else. It nearly ruined our M.
Your W is drained, as much emotionally as she is physically. The twins are draining everything from her. You are her teammate; she is currently injured and not able to play to her full potential. You can either be the teamate that will step it up play your heart out. Or be the one that complains that she is the reason your team is losing.
Don't try to be "perfect"; no one is. Try to be understanding and helpful. Don't expect affection; do it because you love her. Do it because you want to be a great father and husband. She probably won't realize how much you are helping now, but she will eventually and she will appreciate it.
I can't imagine how difficult twins in their 2's would be. It has to be incredibly hard on both of you.
