Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Achieving a balance and when do you walk away?

Yes I see that it is forcing her to make that decision and so is not leading. I do not want a divorce at this time and so will not ask for one. What would you suggest?

This is my balance issue. I have done the pursuing things. Got her to go to a counselor twice before she stopped. I've actively tried to ease her domestic pressures even though I'm not living there currently. When I've done so and when I've tried to take charge, she gets angry that it didn't happen earlier. I am trying to persevere but do not want to be pursuing and shutting her down more. What am I missing?

Just tried posting a response to no avail.

Yes I see that leaving that decision to her is not leading. I do not want a divorce at this point though and will not say I do. Prior to that, I demonstrated my willingness to work on it and do whatever it takes and outlined how we can do it slowly just to try.
This is my balance issue. I've tried to assert myself to help ease her daily life pressures by helping domestically even though I don't live there. But I know that this can be seen as pursuing. what would you suggest?

Actually, no I don't think you quite get Puppy's point. I think the point is you've given her the choice. She HAS made a choice, she might change her mind but she HAS made it. Now YOU have to choose it a)wait until she comes around or b)you do the work to be happy w/o her. Your happiness is your choice, not hers.

You did these things, I assume, because you felt they were The Right Thing To Do, correct? And you STOPPED doing them (or questioned the courage of your own convictions), merely because of her reaction to them: she got angry.

Here's one of the MAIN secrets to successful DBing, bk:

Stop operating from a basis of "How will she react if I do (or say) thus-and-such? Will she be angry? How will her anger make ME feel?" (if you're at all like me, you're probably a natural "Pleaser" and "conflict-avoider").

Instead, ask yourself "What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right here in front of me?" -- regardless of her reaction to it.

When you learn to do this -- and face any of her bluster, and see that you're STILL STANDING . . . you will have passed the first, HUGE hurdle, and it is incredibly liberating, bk.

THAT is what you're missing.

Puppy

You don't ASK, for ANYTHING, bk -- you LEAD.

ASKING is what got you here.

You say (if this is, in fact, how you feel -- if this is a true "Boundary of Personal Integrity" for you): "I will not live in an open marriage. If you choose not to stop what you're doing, and come back and work on the marriage with me, then I will take immediate steps to protect myself, including meeting with an attorney to move towards divorce."

(or, if you have no proof of infidelity, you may say "I will not live in a loveless marriage," or a "sexless marriage," or "one where my wife has no interest in working on the marriage with me," or whatever)

Notice two subtle (but important) distinctions, bk:

1. You are NOT telling her what you do (controlling); you are stating what YOU are willing to abide (boundary): "I will not live in an open marriage." What she then does with that information is entirely up to her.

2. You are NOT saying "I will divorce you" (although that's obviously the possible endgame if she refuses to end it, and if you really AREN'T willing to live in an open marriage.) You're saying that you will move towards that, and you will make those moves immediately.

It's the difference between the "use of force," and the "credible THREAT of the use of force."

Puppy

Yes I stopped doing the things that she needed and that were the right thing to do because of her reaction to them - anger. She does not communicate very well and I got frustrated that she still wasn't happy and wouldn't communicate with me and so I shut down. It was wrong and I should have had the courage of my convictions as you said.

I sent the letter to her leaving everything out on the table because it was the right thing to do. Communication between us in heated emotion tends to be unproductive in the recent past and this was a way of addressing that issue and our M. It was also taking the lead right now and ironically, that is part of the reason she blew up and asked for no communication. She likes to have control but also wants me to take more of a lead and in that is an inherent conflict, a power struggle.

And so I am at a crossroads where she wants / needs no communication. Yes she also said she wanted me to take more of a lead. So I need to take the lead and responsibility and can not do so in the relationship when my W is unwilling to engage. I am having a hard time accepting that she may never will but I will have to.

If she has asked that I not contact her until she reaches out to me, how long do I continue to respect that without communication from her before I take the lead?

At this point I've said many of the things you mentioned PuppyDogTails - that I can not do this alone, that I will not be with someone that doesn't want to work on our relationship and who avoids dealing with the "worse" part of a marriage and only wants the "better" part. I was probably not as forceful as you put it so maybe it's being more firm when there is a next time.

My instinct says to pull away, focus on myself s hard as that is, and wait (as hard as that is as well because I have no control anymore.)

Hi Bk

You will see several of us on these boards with this tendency. That's exactly what I did and why I'm here now. You have passive-aggressive behavior and if you don't address it you will have no chance of saving your marriage.

I strongly recommend that you read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" immediately.

I also recommend "Hold on to your N.U.T.s"

You have time to read these in your sitch, so take this opportunity as a gift and work on you.

Thanks for the book recs. I do have passive aggressive tendencies and am trying to break those patterns. I will definitely read them. It gets confusing because even doing the LRT and pulling away could in some ways be seen to be passive aggressive as well. But I want to and have no choice but to use this time to pick up the pieces and focus on myself and being better and doing better. It's tough because doing so mentally and emotionally means admitting that it's over which I am having a hard time accepting.

You're very Welcome. I will tell you, it will be a huge eye opener.

You will see the differences between the LRT and bad behavior.

It's not over. Seek out the information while you wait and make an informed decision. Just look at this time period as a gift to better yourself. It's important for YOU to fix yourself before you try and save the marriage. Saving the marriage should be a by-product of bettering yourself. Just read them and post ANYTHING here first...NO PURSUING.

What to do with evidence of an OM?

So I "happened" to find more than a few emails on my W's computer of at the very least an EA with an OM. Really painful to read as it was happening while we were still living together. To my face and in writing she has maintained that they are just friends. I'm not 100% sure if it is a PA or not but it's painful nevertheless.

Is there ever a good time to confront her with this? Do I just try and forget about it as I shouldn't have seen it anyway. The lying and denial I can't take. She's placed so much blame on me for our breakdown in our marriage and yet she does this. Her anger at me seems to be to justify herself and diminish her guilt. Such BS!