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What are the two important house updates that you have to tell her?
I'm curious because I think you use those as excuses to contact her.

Tell us what the house updates are and we'll let you know if it's necessary.

updates on what I'm doing to stop the foreclosure of our home...

YES



Do you see how the above contradicts what you said in the first quote? In "defending" yourself against her feelings towards you, you are both arguing against her feelings AND pursuing her. How else could you act/respond?

?

why?

You both own the home,
you are attempting to sell it,
I'm assuming the proceeds of the home sale will be split by both of you, split the mortgage payment between the two of you and keep it on the market till it sells,
why is this even an issue?

Unfortunately even though we have the house for sale the bank wants to foreclose next week. They were giving us time to sell but through some stupid turn of events by the attorneys representing the bank they set a foreclosure date.

As if I don't have enough on my plate now I am trying to have it cancelled to give us more time to sell the house. We have a very good chance of getting a contract on Monday which would solve everything. So I'm doing everything I can to work with the agent to get the contract while I'm also calling lawyersn the court, the bank, etc. to stop the foreclosure. Next week will be incredibly stressful. I pray we get this contract on Monday.

In the meantime my business attorney is trying to stop the F sale. These are the updates I called my W about yesterday. It sucks. I just want the house sold because it's now an even bigger stress for W and me. This is why I think she'll never be able to calm down until this mess is over.

how did you both get in the position where the bank would foreclose on your home? Aren't you both working? You guys just weren't able to maintain the house payments?

Well, that's almost as long of a story as the M sitch. Here are the main issues.

We applied for a loan modification early summer of 2009. We were waiting and waiting for the bank to process the paperwork and let us know. When my wife left in October of '09 we still hadn't heard back from the bank. One of the 5 things she said to me the night she left was that she wasn't going to sign a loan modification if I didn't have a job. At that time I was looking but didn't have one yet.

Literally two weeks after she left the bank offered us a loan modification. If was good enough that we could have afforded to keep the house. Of course by that time she was gone. During that time we stopped making payments to the bank. She refused to sign the loan modification. Around that time the bank threatened to foreclose if we didn't accept the modification. They actually set a foreclosure date last November but that got cancelled because I applied for a second loan modification and that process stayed the foreclosure.

Before I was certain if applying for that modification would stop the foreclosure I asked my W to agree to sign the first modification which would have stopped the foreclosure but she refused. This was the first couple of months after she left and was really not thinking correctly. She said that she didn't care if they foreclosed. I couldn't believe she said that.

The bank offered a second modification which was a trial modification. They cut our payment in half for 6 months and if we were on time with those payments they would offer us another permanent modification. W also refused to sign the trial modification.

So in April of this year we listed the house for sale. We still were not making any payments but the ban said they weren't going to ask us for any as long as we had the ouse for sale. Fast forward to about a month ago and they offered us a Deed in Lieu but W also refused to sign that, she wanted to keep trying to sell the house. I keep in touch with the bank every few weeks to update them on the progress of the house sale. They kept telling me they would take no action as long as we kept trying to sell it. Then a week and a half ago we get a letter from the bank's attorneys saying they set a foreclosure date. Classic case of the bank and their attorneys not communicating on what's going on. So everyday for the past week and a half I'm on the phone almost all day trying to get the foreclosure cancelled. My W has done a few things to help buit not much. This is why she told me on Tuesday that all of this financial/house mess is my fault and I should be the one to take care of it. She told me she would call her D attorney to ask her for foreclosure attorneys and she (W) would call them. Meanwhile I would also call other foreclosure attorneys. Well, W never called her D attorney, she only emailed her and claims she never heard back from her D attorney. So here I am once again taking care of another huge issue by myself. Just like the past 3 years.

Now with all of this going on you would think my W would have the decency to wait to do anything with D until we get the house problems solved. Nope, her D lawyer sent me a letter Thursday asking me to a meeting to work out a S agreement for the upcoming D. Un-F'ing-believable. So when my W called me Thursday night for an update I mentioned receiving the letter and told her that it was very poor timing on her part to send that now of all times. All she said was that she told me it was coming and for the past 10 months she has told me she wants to D. That's when I got upset and asked her if she made a decision about the C together. That's when she said no and said she gave me a chance for C three years ago and it is too late now. Then she got mad and I got mad and things went quickly went downhill from there. So I got more upset and hung up.

So yesterday I called my business lawyer and he is going to try to help stop the foreclosure. I had to call my W twice yesterday to let her know what's going on. I apologized both times for getting upset on Thursday. She got upset and hung up on me two weeks ago when I confronted her about the dating website. She called me a week layer to apologize and I forgave her. So I feel it's the same sitch here that I apologized for hanging up on her.

Under very extreme and stressful circumstances I am most definitely "manning-up" for her and trying to fix this mess. She could cut me some slack and realize the pressure I'm under. I know she is too. That's why I believe she can't let go of the past and even consider a future together because we're still trying to take care of the last financial problem that exists...and it's still a big one.

Sorry for the long post. I probably said way too much but it feels good to get it off my chest. I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping very well, I feel terrible. But I'm not worried about me. I will do whatever I can to fix this house mess and I still am trying my ass off to get my W back. I wish she would just recognize how hard I'm trying with everything, lighten up a bit and give me a break. This isn't easy for me either but I'm not giving up like she is. I'm exhausted. I'm just a guy who's trying to fix his past mistakes, not make excuses anymore and get one more chance. I need to stop talking to W a out M especially now with all of this added stress.

Stop worrying about what she thinks.
Take care business b/c you know it's the right thing to do..............for YOU.

Since financial stress was a big part of your problems don't you see getting the house sold would relieve the stress?

You've held onto the notion of the house being the reason to communicate with her.

Who knows maybe the house issue is the reason she still feels uncertain.

Get rid of the house situation so you both can stopp stressing about it and can both move on to being healthy people.

I think the house foreclosure process that was put in place because of a lack of incomes on both of their parts killed whatever security she was holding on to, I'm sure she's glad to get rid of the house and be free of mza because she blames him for losing the security in her life. Every time she looks at him, talks to him, communicates in any way to him, she is reminded of that fact that he killed the security in her life, no kids, no house and having to start all over again from scratch at her age is something I'm sure she is deeply resentful of, most people would be.

Gr8, yes, I'm certain the house remains a tremendous stress for her. I have been saying all along that I don't think she would ever let go of her resentment until the house situation is resolved. I'm doing everything I possibly can to solve this problem. The timing of all of this stinks. She can file next month, just when this house issue is at it's worst. Not the best time for her to be thinking without stress in the way.

I'd love to be able to communicate with her about something/anything other than the house. We've been dealing with these things for years and it's got to stop but many of these things have taken so long because of the time of the process. There's no way she can think clearly as long as we still have the financial problems. The house is the final problem. Once it's gone then we would be in a better place...as you said a healthier place.

Couple other things I remember her saying from our talk last Tuesday. She said that she's been very cautious/careful about what she has shared with me during the S. I told her I know and it is nice that she has shared some of feelings and what's going on with her lately.