I would find all the work related materials of his I can and read them... Find out what his work advocates and such... talk his language... And then bring his feet to the fire where he's falling short at home...
You're right about the economy of bodies issue: he didn't think it necessary since the rest of us were going with D. But, therein lies his weakness: he doesn't get that his D's feelings should have over-ridden that! It's much like the fact that he doesn't get that my needs have been ignored every time he sees no use for me to feel the way I do about something. Yet, right now, all that he is going by are HIS feelings. None of that probably makes sense, lol. Bottom line: everyone else's feelings are ignored if he doesn't agree with them yet his scream out right now and are the only thing he is listening to, whether they are logic and reasonable or not.
I like the idea of getting to him with his own "speak" though. Maybe that will work since nothing else really does right now. If he can relate to it, maybe it'll be more effective.
If he has any booklets or anything from his workplace that discuss interpersonal relations thats the best springboard as he has likley read and agreeed with that material already... you are just applying what he has agreed to into his home... its a lot easier than bringing in a new argment from a new source
Whenever I got in a dispute with my wife i would always try to make references she respected and was familiar with where I could... it carries a lot more weight
You can use the work analogies or the sports analogies they both work...
Your daughter is moving to a new home and you don't show up... That's the same as a football coach not bothering to show up at the damn game... what are you thinking?
Actually...the sports analogies might be better for me. I'm a lot more familiar with that than I am any of his work terminology. (I'm a big sports fan myself.) I don't know much at all about the work stuff.
H actually asked me if I wanted to go with him to college town to see D. I was suprised...he actually wants me to go??? wow. He's been acting all nice too. Told D (and she then told me) on the phone that things were going better - that he felt more positive and that 20 years WAS a long time to throw away without trying... On the flipside, he also commented that right now we are "more like roommates" and that's not really where I want his head at!
SO: hmmmm: why hasn't he said these things to me but only to her is the question. I suppose it's possible he just wants her to feel better about being gone but his actions back up his statements.
Also, I asked him if he wanted to go to a concert with me this coming week that I have tickets for. We've gone several times to see this group in the past and both enjoyed it. Said I wanted him to have first dibs if he wanted to come along before I invited someone else. He said he'd go.
Now - we still have a long way to go, but the changes seem positive. Of course, I don't want some weird "lets be friends in the same house but not really have a marriage" scenerio. It doesn't feel that way, but it's possible that's where he is at and is still not committed. I thought, strategically, it best to give him a little bit more time with the positivity before bringing up the aforementioned ultimatum of working on the M or getting out.
This is good news, Sunny. However, don't get too excited. It's still a long process. He's still going to go through ups and downs. Keep your interactions light and fun. You've got alot going for you.
Just so you know...my H talked to my oldest daughter way before he was able to say anything to me. He behavior remained erratic and sometimes down right hateful, but slowly, he made his way back.
Thanks, Bluestar! I agree - a long way to go still. I do like seeing some progress though. It's encouraging. It's so strange that they can talk to their D's about this stuff but don't see the need to talk to their wives. I guess it's because they don't want us to "think everything's OK when it's not." ???
Ups and downs I can handle as long as H stays within the set boundaries!
My biggest problem, quite frankly, is what to do about sex. Part of me says he needs to be totally committed to the M or we shouldn't be having it. However - I'm human - and I like it, and have succumbed a time or two recently because he is acting more like a husband should. I can't decide if I'm being weak and allowing cake eating or if it maybe helps, because sex is obviously a way in which a husband and wife connect. Having said that, I know a man can just have sex and it's just sex - not emotional - like it is for us women. However, he did say that it meant something to him. (That it wasn't just sex.)
I'm trying so hard to be "tough, but loving" I don't want to be weak and lose respect.
