me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
FM- just miss you and hope you're doing well and getting lots of good responses to your ads . Miss you around here, but I know you're taking good time for yourself now.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Autumn is here now, and the euphoria of summer is wearing off a bit. A lot has happened since I posted just over a month ago.
The "walk-on-the-beach" guy (met online) turned out to be a sexy, sweet guy who was a great companion and potentially just right for a once-a-week uncomplicated friend and lover. Just what I wanted...I thought. We had four long dates, the last two at his home...
I broke it off though, because of "M". M is the friend of a friend who was the second guy I dated. I wasn't prepared for M. Handsome, sexy, fun, adventurous, great dad, outgoing. M and I first saw one another in the courtyard of our housing complex and there was an immediate jolt.
From the beginning, M pursued hard. He's not looking for something simple...he's looking for a life partner, the whole package. He's been open about his interest in me not just as a woman, but as a parenting figure and a part of his life. Frankly, it's been overwhelming and scary.
It's a tricky courtship because our complicated schedules and the distance between us (2+ hour trip) means that dates tend to be longer, more intense, and less frequent. There has even been contact with one another's children (though limited and very platonic). So strange to date a parent.
I think I could fall for this guy, but I'm also plagued with low-level anxiety, mind-reading, and irrational fears of imminent rejection. Yup, the baggage from my failed marriage is rearing its ugly head. And M was a WAH, with a similar personality to STBXH, and with similar issues in their marriage...weird. M's had 3 years to deal with his stuff around his failed marriage, and it seems like he has actually done some personal work, but it's hard to tell where he's at with it.
Fortunately, I have found a helpful framework for looking at this. This book: http://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825306299 is actually a very helpful guide to understanding some of what happened in my marriage and also being able to recognize the pitfalls that I'm encountering now.
The solution is to work on the Four Points of Balance: http://crucible4points.com/fourpointsbrain * 1st Point of Balance: Solid Flexible Self * 2nd Point of Balance: Quiet Mind & Comforted Heart * 3rd Point of Balance: Grounded Responding * 4th Point of Balance: Meaningful Endurance
I'm really clear that the difficult feelings that I'm grappling with have to do with needing to strengthen the points above, for myself.
Let's be clear though. I have LOVED every minute of being with these two wonderful men. It feels great to be appreciated and to enjoy conversation, activities, and touch with a man. I feel so lucky that as soon as I opened the door to dating, the Universe presented me with quality OPTIONS. It reinforces my feeling that it was the right time for me to start being with men.
Things are moving along with STBXH. The vibe is a bit more relaxed and chatty and I feel like I've achieved made progress in my goal to have a relaxed, collaborative parenting relationship wtih him. We've started discussing terms of the separation agreement, especially custody. It's quite tricky but it's going OK so far. I think we see largely eye to eye regarding what we want for ourselves and our children.
With my financial stuff, I've been working more, which is progress, but still haven't tackled budgeting stuff, etc.
There's been a lot of work with starting the school year and new activities...it feels so busy. Lots of balls in the air.
Air-kissing all my DB friends. Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Refuse to pine! Refuse to be miserable! Take the little pill if you have to to feel OK and get to the point where you can GAL. So many good things in life are available even to the LBS. Last night I went out with my sister and we didn't stop dancing to the smoking hot global music for HOURS. It brought me back to the present and it was a positive outlet for my sexuality .
Honestly, I have little enthusiasm for encouraging folks to reconcile with a WAS. It's horrifying that children have to pay the price for freedom from a marriage that's not working, but most of the time that's beyond the LBS' control. Glab the silver lining that you are free and make the most of it. When you are ready, you'll be amazed how awesome it is to be with someone who wants to be with you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm glad life is good for you again, Flow. But do take it slowly. I believe that we fall in love with our idea of a new person long before we really get to know that person (or maybe they are good at hiding flaws for a while). Protect not just your kids, but yourself from too much change too fast.
FM- bravo! I bet you also are more relaxed and chatty with your stbxh because you are detached!!!
I hope M is patient and understanding and doesn't push you too much.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
FM- it's GOOD to hear an update from you. I've been wondering how you've been. I mostly post in the alt now for obvious reasons. Things seem like they're progressing nicely for you. I only hope I have as many great options as you seem to have when I'm ready to start dating!
Keep going the way you are- wow, you've come a long way!- I hope you can see that.
love, A
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
But do take it slowly. I believe that we fall in love with our idea of a new person long before we really get to know that person (or maybe they are good at hiding flaws for a while). Protect not just your kids, but yourself from too much change too fast.
Yes, that is good advice. Not easy for me to follow, but the distance and our busy schedules make it easier. I am by no means sure that this guy is the one for me. It remains to be seen if he is capable and willing to engage emotionally to the degree that I would need for that kind of relationship. I really don't know him, and it's hard for me to just relax and be curious...anxiety and mindreading are a trap for me. All good fodder for the work that I need to do. It helps me to think of all of this as being all about me and the personal development that I need to do. M is most projections from me at this point...I don't know his heart and his essence yet.
newmama, M will be patient if I ask him to. It's possible that he's the one who is pulling back at this point...it's hard to tell.
Kalni, I liked Passionate Marriage too, but for some reason the organization of Intimacy and Desire is making it click better for me. But they are both great. The forum on their site is also interesting. Some very deep thinkers there.
Thanks for the replies. Always a pleasure to see familiar names.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
. Miss you around here, but I know you're taking good time for yourself now.