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Grateful Dead!

Thank you for starting a new thread CG. You provide so much support to so many and it is nice for us to be able to give back to you.

You are such a remarkable woman. I hope you know that. I have watched you share your strength and wisdom with people who could not see the forrest for the trees in their own sitch. It is clear that you have empathy and compassion as you have been so open about your own pain. Yet because of how much you have suffered, you push hard to help others not create more suffering for themselves.

I am mortified by some of D's behaviors and choices and yet so amazed at how you have come through this. You are truly an inspiration.

I agree with you that change of some sort is in order for you! When you figure out what that will be, I hope you will share it.

You deserve a new chapter in your life that is fulfilling, rewarding and fun!

CG, glad to see you decided to join us on the dark side.

It really sucks to hear about all the D mess, it's so unfair at so many levels I don't even know where to begin responding. I get a similar treatment from STBXW- she thinks because she moved on I should act just like her- like not a care in the world and everything's just like before when it suits her. While I have no desire to reconcile with her there are parts of my previous life that I do miss. I think the biggest part is having to become a part-time parent when I didn't want to, then fork over half of my assets which she never was in a position to contribute to during the course of our marriage, then deal with all the legal BS and fork more money over paying for the legal costs. All this when we weren't even the ones doing the leaving. Like I said, it just sucks and I'm sorry you're dealing with this still after 2 years especially the whole separation vs. divorce fiasco which is draining you both emotionally and financially (((CG))).

It's tough getting out there after all this, isn't it? I'm in a similar situation as you. It's hard to know who to trust and who not to. My personal opinion is that whoever you let in should be someone who's into you and who's not afraid to say or show it. Someone who's willing to help you with your fears, insecurities and perhaps someone who shares and understands what it's like to go through this process. The one thing I'm terrified of is get too emotionally invested while the other person is really just 'exploring' things and unsure of what they want. Of course communication is key too, STBXW and I weren't really good at communicating at a deeper level. While we could talk about the world all day long we couldn't discuss our expectations our needs and wants etc. I was way more communicative than her. In fact, even when I told her how happy she made me feel, when she did, she could never say something as simple as 'you do that for me too or I feel the same way' the three words 'i love you' were probably only said a handful of times. It's not that she hated me it's just that she felt it was more important to not disclose what she felt inside and rather keep her cards close to her. I would not want that in my new relationship, I want to hear and see that my partner appreciates me, she cares about me and she loves me just as much as I do. I realize it's not something that can be expected right off the bat but I'm afraid if there are no signs of such things I'll always be waiting. I guess sometimes you just have to let things be and see where they go...that is if you like the person.

Oh the most thing, I almost forgot...make sure he's hot stuff or drop him like a fly

About the big change...something grand...how about singing the national anthem at the Yankees game? that would be pretty grand. Long term though...become a race car driver like Danica Patrick- hot!!

Hoosiermama - I owe you a martini!

Thank you all for the uplifting words!

I had not started my own thread for a while as I really had no contact with my H at all via text or e-mail. In May of this year he texted me several times from a concert (at least 10 times) telling me he was thinking of me and using a word only he and I would know. I finally told him to STOP. The next day he texted me telling me he was sorry, he had been drinking and he felt like an a-hole (good, you should, lol!) and could he come by for dinner. Um, no.

On 6/26 (our anniversary) he texted me that he loved me. I did text him back and told him his text was NOT appropriate and he had no regard for my feelings. It was brief but to the point. I had not heard from him again until a few weeks ago when he e-mailed me to tell me his parent's dog passed away. Well, sorry to hear that but honestly, not interested in knowing.

My H had a VERY romantic notion of what our post divorce R would look like. His behavior for the past two years has been emotionally and verbally abusive and unthinkable. In his mind he thought once the dust settled we would be okay to be best buddies. He actually said in court that his "plan" was to get to know me again in secret and if things went okay he might tell his GF. LOL! Sign me up for that plan!

Last Nov. when he made his plea to me he also told me his GF was very jealous of me, he was not allowed to talk to me or about me to her nor was he allowed to discuss his marriage. Wow, some R! He also told me the same problems WE had were happening with her. Well, what is the common denominator there? He also told me that he knew he couldn't fail at a second R so he was going to stay with her. To this day he will swear up and down he did nothing wrong. So, not much else to say about that.

I no longer love my H. I don't respect or trust him. I also knew the despite the work I was doing those feelings would have to die their natural death. And they have. I do have anger and disappointment about how he has handled the assets during our separation. Despite what I "won" the financial strain has been suffocating due to his lack of action. He does whatever the hell he wants while I am stuck with "as is" because he has found a loophole (or so he thinks).

I plan to file Dec. 1st. I will be out of town with my family the last two weeks of November and I don't want to worry for a second what is going on legally while I am away. So, instead of filing Nov. 19th (the day we leave actually) I'm going to wait. Two weeks won't make a difference in the grand scheme. My H could still do the right thing here (agree to file and pay my insurance w/o additional litigation) but he won't.

I do feel like I need some infusion of *something* in my life. I work very, very hard (work as in employment). I am very active in two organizations and I have many wonderful friends. There is always something to do around here. I have an AMAZING family... my god, these people are angels on earth. I do think in the next year or so I will move to a new city. Once this hot mess is all wrapped up I can focus more on that goal.

I know once some of this financial strain is gone and our assets are truly divided I won't feel so closed in. I do have great anxiety about the next set of legalities as I know how things went last time. It was traumatizing to say the least. My Lupus had really taken a turn for the worse during our litigation so things really spun out of control.

Sol - I haven't seen the dr. (my date where I almost crawled out of the window, lol!). That poor man! He was very nice and shortly after our date I did tell him sort of where I was at (briefly of course) so he at least knew my crazy was for a reason!

Communication is interesting post divorce with a new person. In a way I always thought meeting somebody who had been divorced would be the best idea but now, who knows! Divorce and what follows is a process. My H needed constant attention, reassurance and coddling despite his HUGE ego. Maybe that *is* a man thing but it's not something I will do again on the level I had to ever again. It's exhausting. I know everybody deals with things in different ways but it has been enlightening to me to see how some people can envision a new "instant" family or R or to expect/assume/hope a rapid pace is best despite lots of upfront honesty. I can talk to somebody all day about experiences or ideas but I have enough to work on for ME and don't want to be molded into an ideal person due to the issues somebody else had. That goes both ways I guess.

I am strong and I do know I will need a *very* strong man if a long term R would ever develop. I really am perfectly fine alone and I do sometimes wonder if I have become so used to living and being alone (alone as in not in a R) that the shift to a R seems suffocating.

Probably far more than you all bargained for

Haha. How can anyone forget that story? The one where you ran to the bathroom in the middle of dinner to see if there was a window you could escape out of. Best date story ever!

I had my L prepare all the paperwork for filing/protective restraining order while I was on vacation with the kids in Mexico so that I could sign it after coming back and get the ball rolling. I did give the wife a heads up the night before we left. She was none to happy about it.

Sounds like you have a good firm attitude about how to deal with your STBXH. He is a cake eater and wants everything to go his way. It will not.

Kerry - I do plan to have all the documents prepared before I leave so they can be served to D right after I get back.

D will (by law) have 20 days to respond via legal counsel OR he can simply agree to my new terms and be done with it. If there is ANY chance he chooses to agree I want to be here (as in not out of town) because I don't want to give him too much time to think about it. If he agrees to sign I will get that document signed in TEN MINUTES, lol!

D is a very smart man so I am hoping once he factors in the cost for him to retain counsel again (and he knows I will be asking for legal fees so that will double his price for the SECOND time) he will realize that same amount of money can be applied to health insurance.

D's GF thinks we are divorced. She will learn otherwise when the process server shows up at THEIR door. In a way I sort of feel bad for her (not really, lol!) because D very much kept her in the dark about the legal case. In my heart of hearts I don't think she had ANY idea how much trouble she would have been in (legally) had I not conceded to the separation. Too bad and not my problem!

Sounds familiar. My stbxh didn't have a huge ego but he did need those things, I believe....and then went elsewhere? My SIL's H had a huge ego and needed those things and he cheated but came back to her. I see that my other friends' Hs (and they are still married) do need approval and attention...like they need admiration and acknowledgment of the amazing job they do. My girlfriends aren't the best at doing that for them...they say they have enough children to take care of. Right now, I know better than to put ALL MEN into a BOX but I do feel exhausted at the idea of taking care of a man in a relationship. barf!!!!!!



I was just curious as to what you meant by "rapid pace despite lots of upfront honesty." WOuld you please elaborate, CG?



THIS is a good point for ALL OF US! (sorry, I know it is YOUR thread! :)) But I am very confused personally about what do to do improve because we all have areas to improve, and what if I am trying to change something that isn't bad to someone else because I thought it was bad because stbxh didn't like it?

All I meant, NM, was if I am upfront with a potential man about where I am at with things in my life (ex: separation/divorce/my health and sort of where my head space is)I feel that is very honest. Chances are where I am at won't change overnight or in a month or maybe even 6 months and when they change it will have to be at my pace. I have been through hell and in the area of romantic R's I do feel *I* need it to go slow. I understand if somebody wants or needs more at a more rapid pace but right now I just can't speed things along. As I continue to feel more 'normal' about a new man then I will feel less inclined to sort of keep things at a slow crawl. For now though that is where I am at.

I know I have flaws (do I ever, lol!) and I have worked on them but what I meant was I don't want to feel pressured to mold myself into something just because my new boyfriend's ex spouse did (or did not do) something different. Certain things, over time of course, I might be able to become more flexible on but I don't want to have to radically change who I am working to become for the sake of intimate R. It could be something small or something major. And if it comes up I will be happy to discuss it but I don't want to be the one always making all the concessions again.

Make sense?

There's a book "His Needs/Her Needs" that talks about how the five most important needs for a man in a marriage are the five least for a woman and vice versa.

The author says that if the partners are not meeting all five of the needs for each other the marriage is in danger of infidelity or failing. The needs are so powerful that spouses will seek to fill them elsewhere.

I was meeting about 2 1/2 of STBXW's needs and she was meeting about 1 1/2 of mine.