Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis "Stung" by MLC Suggestion

Thanks, Seeking.

I guess my question came down to whether there is a disctinction between MLC; LC and/or Identity Crisis.

Key word is Crisis.

I can't remember who I owe a nickel (Coach?) but I always remember that the most important characteristic we should be seeking in a partner is 'maturity in a crisis'. If it's you and her against 'the world' and you turn and say "More bullets, Honey' and she's gone, that's not a good spot to be in.

Unfortunately, I never tested this theory prior to marrige. Don't know how you would. Ironically, given all we had been through in the last 4 years, and we were still together (though struggling), I saw as a good thing since that set of pressures all piled up in a short time crushes most folks. I read that of the top 10 "most stressful events", we had missed only 3. Doing them simultaneously/sequentially didn't help.

Here are the things you wrote that solidified inmy mind what I am dealing with.



I suppose it has to be said that I am also in crisis-before this and even now.

The difference between my W and I is I didn't quit. It could also be said, to be fair, that perhaps she quit first- I wasn't at my threshold yet.

The sad thing is that in her current state and given her history (in hindsight for me), I believe it is unikely she will "seek answers' this time, either.

Perhaps if the A implodes, she'll see the pattern this time and THEN do some thinking.

All I can do is learn what I can to solidify my defenses against future crises; teach my D how to do the same; and be prepared if W turns to me for help at some point.



I know you've been watching and "tagging up" when required. Thanks for that. And you are correct in seeing my initial tendency. The obsession is fading and the living is increasing. I am able to concentrate again and get more done in a day. It's a process. It's healing. Still have moments of 'stuck' but now fewer and further between.

Thanks again

CD

You have recieved some great advice here and you know my thoughts on this. In many ways I agree with everyone that ultimately it is YOU that must look inward in this time. It is YOU that must determine what YOU want in your life.

Your W...we'll she sounds a lot like mine. I brought my W to my IC and after two sessions, the IC said...without a doubt your wife is having an identify crisis.

Your may be having the same. She is looking to find out WHO she is and usually they feel like we are in the way of that. Can you do anything about it? No. What you can do is really look inside and fix the issues that YOU feel you need to fix. Everything ya leave up to God.

Where you the knight in shining amor?
Why?
Do you feel that you need someone that you want to father?
Do you feel that you tend to concern yourself more with looks than substance?


I can go on and on dude. Don't worry if she is MLC, WAW, WAS, IC, or just down right f*cking crazy - none of it matters right now. What matter is how you will LOVE her, how you WILL TREAT her and more importantly what does CD want for his life.

God Bless,
Eric

CD I will only say one thing about the above line, and I grant you that you know your wife better than anyone here however this is an EXPECTATION.

There is no way for you to know what she will do.
If there was then you wouldn't be posting on any of these boards right now.
One of the lessons that you must learn is to go through this crisis with NO EXPECTATIONS.

Keep learning my friend you will be fine!

Now how did I know Gritter would be here?
Thanks, TG.

As usual, extra fuel for the fire and more challenges.



Cowards way out. Technically what the WAS is doing. If I can be said to have a style, this isn't it.



The bold is the perspective I was questioning. The reason I asked the question in this thread after it stung.

I knew there was more to her behaviour than just an A. I knew there was depression; pessimism; pain; and this was her last resort. To choose to D (and being in the place of contemplating it made her susceptible to OM/A) caused her pain. I know that. I know she cried.

She ran out of coping strategies. She ran out of options. She believed she HAD done all she could; she had tried everything.
She hadn't. She did as MWD says-"She did more of the same only louder and/or more often" She kept repeating what didn't work.

AND SO DID I.



One at a time-
Was her past R a precursor to this? Is this R following the same pattern? Was she not as 'out' as she led me to believe? Am I now the OM to the last guy?

Was I the White Knight? Very likely. I couldn't understand how the R she was describing was possible or acceptable. I knew she deserved better. Dogs deserve better than that.

Work left for me? Why was I susceptible to being the White Knight? I'd never been the "rescuer" before. Not a pattern of mine. I'm not sure what you are suggesting.
Only concern now is that I don't do that again.

I believe she has found someone else to rescue her. This is her pattern. Though it's pretty clear that 'Goober' is in no position to rescue anyone. He has less emotional maturity that she does and just bailed on his own marriage for the greener grass.

I stick with my initial thought that MLC stung because I knew there was more to this than an A.

Not that it changes what I have to do but it does reinforce my belief that my perspective needs to be adjusted a little.

And there is more room for empathy and compassion. I saw the possibility and now I know that the crisis element requires it.

Thanks, Gritter.

Thanks, Lance



Busted. Agreed.
I'll be very honest. And I'll take my lumber.
The reason this line is there is because I am preparing for the worst.
I honestly do know that my W is capable of more than she is showing right now. I believe in her more than most. I see a greater depth to her than her own mother. I see potential SHE doesn't even see.
But I don't want to count on it. I don't want to be tethered to that hope. I don't want to expect that outcome either.
So I talk the "prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't come to pass"



And thanks for this. And you know why.

Hi Eric



Got any smaller,bite-size pieces?

I know the answers to the first two but can't really do much about them given the A.Simple answer I know but second bananas to your third question.

The last one?
WAY too vague? How deep is the universe?
regarding what? Love? R? My D? My Family? friends?

To dig deep in all of those items, by the time I had an answer, my life would be over.

All I can say is I need to focus on all of my daily interactions with everyone to maximize what I get from each encounter.

listen instead of thinking of my next answer
notice how people are acting as well as the words
look for the questions in the statements
Be "present"
Be still; enjoy the moments

And take time for CD. Soak up the moments.
Take satisfaction in my life. And NEVER accept standing still.
There is always room to improve.
There is room for more.

All I have so far.

Just need to turn my words into more actions.
Theory to practice. Practice to game.

CD if I were a professional IC/MC you would have stopped payment on your check. LOL

I am only a few steps ahead of you and we all learn in this together.

The important part of that is that we must keep learning,
when we stop thats when they start throwing dirt on the wood box!

I'll repeat my offer to talk to "Cadet" to put all the links on your thread if you want them. Let me know.

Hey CD,
This is all good stuff on your thread. Thought I might add a little here. My IC who knows my W is in MLC, reminded me that he has seen a couple divorce/remarry 3 times in the 30 some years he has been doing this. He said it took that for them finally to get it right. Could you imagine going through divorce/remarry your W three times? After my initial shock of what he said, I referred to him that when they are going through the crisis, if they are a half baked cake, (ie. not done cooking), we don't want the cake yet. I agree with this. IC agreed with this. As painful as this whole thing is, W is not anywhere near fully baked. Clearly in crisis. I am coming to grips that I can not possibly get her through this. She must go
through it on her own. I know too much about this now to do anything but be understanding and compassionate. I am not a I am always right, got to win the argument at all costs kind of person anyway. So it does not pay to go in and fight the circle arguments that we would be involved with in a typical divorce. Knowing what is happening overall makes it easier to just listen and validate even if you know the behavior is totally whacked.

Lance keeps saying time, time, and time. I hope he keeps saying it. I need to hear it often.

Let me share something with you.



This was me ^^^^^

CD I would not be posting to you if I didn't have faith in you.

I wouldn't be challenging you like this if I didn't see you searching and wanting to heal and grow.

This was never on the boards but I will share this with you becuase to be honest it was the most amazing things to ever happen to me the day I understood this:



and then this...





Neither was I BUT there was rescuing behavior and it became part of the dysfucntion of my M. You have to dig to find why this was what you brought.

It doesn't matter what has happened.

It doesn't matter what didn't work.

It doesn't matter if she ever wakes up or not.

What matters is what you do.

Who you choose to be.

There is a gift for you down the path and it may be hard to open but you will be glad you did.

Changing seats on the titanic.


This is a big one. I know my W thinks I am the problem and I would guess a lot of WAS's feel that same way about their LBS. If I get rid of the problem (LBS) then my problems will be solved. I'll find someone who isn't a 'problem' for me. Unfortunately wherever they go there they are. The same patterns, the same cycles only the scenery changes.


They have to do this by themselves. We are the last people they want to point out the obvious. They'll just resent us more - I have learned this first hand in my sitch.

You let them go to walk their path. Where they end up is anyone's guess.

Just remember, their past and present behavior doesn't equal their future behavior. If it was like that, none of us would be here.

We got the epiphany, you can't guess if they will or won't. Absolutely impossible. They thought we would never change so they were wrong.



CD, I think you're searching for an answer you won't ever get. I believe it's just not possible because there are basically an infinite amount of variables.

It boils down to this - they are doing what they are doing and it doesn't matter why. Knowing why doesn't change anything. Sure, you see their issues and what those issues did. But it makes no difference except if they want to return. Then you have solid things you both need to work on.

You do the work on yourself. They walk their path - either their paths cross ours again or it doesn't. There are many people who divorce and stay separate for the rest of their lives, and there are many who split/divorce and end up reconciling later on after they both go through the growth they need to go through, or not.

I have boundaries set in my mind if that day ever comes for me. I don't expect it either way, so I keep moving forward on my path. I have no clue how the future will unfold. But I am responsible for me, and my W is responsible for herself. Period.