Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

Hi awest,
if you had come across my posts to others you would know I am one of those that say, keep it polite and easy for the kids' sake. BUT, from my own experience, dont be friends with him. Nope. Be friendly, polite, easygoing, do not bad moouth him to S, be a little flexible when it is about time he can have with S, but that's it.

Cut him off your life. And decide to do so. When you set boundaries, keep it about boundaries. No personal talk, no emotion, no reasons for explanations and justifications.

I believe your H is young and stupid. I believe you can run the show.And you can have any ending you hear desires.
K

You definitely had every right to be angry. Although I’m with you and wouldn’t want OW around my S, I think the biggest issue here is that he made out S to be a liar. I was so mad when I read that. In some ways, I’m not surprised that OW was around. Like you said, if it was something serious (which obviously it is if he was not willing to sacrifice that R to save his M), but per your agreement (and really just out of decency in any co-parenting agreement), he should have told you. It makes you question too if he told S not to say anything which is why S “forgot” who it was, when obviously he knows OW. Poor S – no little 3 year old (or any child) should be put in that position. Unfortunately, you can’t control H and his actions (you can’t make him tell the truth), but just be on the lookout for this kind of stuff and try to help S deal with it all too. Luckily it doesn’t seem like he feels stuck in the middle yet.

Regarding the parenting class, is there any way around it? Yes, he should take the class, but if he’s not following thru with it, is there some statue of limitations that allows you to move around it, so you can get this thing finalized? I don’t get the ring thing though, but like you said, it just helps him keep up the front.

You know, I think there will always be a soft spot in our hearts for our H’s, no matter how bad they hurt us. I think though in time and with the right guy who shows us what love actually means (meaning thru the ups and downs and the daily grind & sticking it out despite struggles but also enjoying the best times and the firsts…all of it) that will fade and we will be able to open our hearts again. It’s not a romantic view of love but a realistic view and I think we’ll find it someday...

Thank you both!

K- I am really trying to just be friendly, but not friends. H doesn't know anything about my personal life outside of what I do with S. I only tell him what I do with S and that is it. It is such a fine line with S being so small, but I don't tell H everything and don't really talk to him much. It will be even less once the D is final and also now that S's b-day is over.

Lucky- There is no way around the class. No class from both of us means no getting D'd. The D will not be finalized until both of us have completed the class.

Still having brief moments of saddness this week. Maybe it is because I know soon my M will be over. Maybe after months of detaching and trying to feel nothing, the pushed away emotions are coming up. Who knows? I definitely feel like I can't express to anyone who is living how hurt and sad I feel because everyone just tells me how I am better off and how he is the one who did this. I understand it was his choices that forced my hand, but it still hurts.

I was thinking on the way in to work how I feel like I failed. I know in my head I didn't, but my heart hurts. I think it must be like a doctor who tries everything in his power to help his patient just to have the patient die. I am sure the doctor feels bad, but knows he did everything possible to help the patient. I feel the same way. I know I tried everything to fix this marriage, but ultimately if H didn't want to come home, there was no chance for us to make it, and I don't think he ever even thought about coming home to stay.

This week is a calm week to start which is a nice change. Tomorrow my SIL and nephew are coming over for dinner because my B is out of town for business. Friday my sister is coming over to have a sleepover with S and I. We are going to stay up late and possibly sleep outside, weather permitting. Saturday I have my parenting class so S will be with my parents for a while. Sunday is Sunday, and then we start another week.

awest,
the "satisfaction" you feel for trying everything is a BIG thing. I am sorry you feel down. I wish there was something I could do.
Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
K

Just wanted you to know that I can relate to your feelings. I think it'd be easier to lose a loved one to death, than to lose one by having them leave...especially when they have cheated and lied. They also rewrite history, and convince themselves that things are other than what they are...in order to justify their actions. If you lose someone to death, at least you know that they cared about you when they died, and you don't have to deal with the other things I mentioned and the emotions that accompany them. It's unreal that some people can become so heartless...and enable themselves to not have a conscience anymore.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. You are not alone.

Just something to laugh about...I have a previous student who graduated 3.5 years ago who has a crush on me. LOL

This guy dated my little sister for a while after his best friend (also on of my previous students) passed away right after graduation. He is part of the class that I was really good friends with because I had them as my homeroom for the first three years of teaching. Now he goes to a church that my church does stuff with so I see him and a few other graduated students about once a month or so.

There was a joke right after I filed because I noticed he had a shirt button undone at his stomach and warned him about it that I was "checking him out". My brother and SIL did not help matters and so I played along a bit, while still making sure everyone understood he is TOO YOUNG. Plus a previous student is just weird. I think of him as a kid...not a date. My brother was preaching at his church and I guess this guy was asking where I was. Kind of normal because I was his teacher and was close by when the friend died because I was good friends with the girl's family.

Come to find out today that my little sister tells me that the guy has a crush on me, and that he has had a secret crush on me since high school. I just laugh thinking about it. I am flattered because I don't think of myself as "crush" material. Then tonight as I am leaving church he asks to help me get my stuff to the car because I had my nephew and S plus their stuff. I said yes and thank you. He said "this gets me brownie points, right?" LOL

He is a very sweet kid, but he is a kid. He is 21. I am constantly talking to him as a teacher how he needs to go back to college or get a good job and move out of his parents house, etc. What teachers do when they talk to their previous students. How are you doing? what are you up to? how is college? Either way not in a million years would I date him, but I have a feeling I am going to have to say no to a sweet kid and break his little heart.

Hope that gives everyone a good laugh for the night because I know it did mine. So sweet, but so not at all what I want...LOL

haha. That is funny. Obviously not what you need in a man, but definitely funny/cute! But don't downplay yourself so much - there's no reason why you wouldn't be "crush material" and who knows what else is out there. Definitely a good ego boast too. ;-)

awest I am catching up but dozing off - so I just wanted you to know I am still following and will post more soon :-)

Funny weird how your H is making excuses about the one day parenting class....and more importantly that he is wearing his ring because it is important to YOU? He cares about what you are thinking and feeling about him. Is he hdiding the truth from people at work? I can't remember.

And I know what you mean about being worried that OW will replace you- it is a natural scare- but NO WAY. Your S worships you...take this from someone whose son has been seeing OW for the last 8 months. I don't think about her holding him and playing with him but I do feel and see that S is crazy about me and knows I am his mom!! The same for you. Just try not to think about her. ok off to bed...zzzzzzzzzzzz!

NM-H wears his ring because it is important to HIM, not me. I haven't been wearing mine for probably 6 months.

Well the parenting class today was ok. Come to find out, H got registered and was there too. We talked for a while after the class about stuff and that was about it. I told him again that I don't want a divorce because I don't and asked if he wanted one. He didn't say anything. I think he wants a divorce, but doesn't want to say it. Oh well...

We are parents together and it stinks. While talking I did tell him how I felt and cried a couple of times, from emotions not sadness, but it was good to get stuff out. I did once say something mean to him, but I said sorry I shouldn't have said it. Once again that is it.

We should be divorced some time next month if the L ever calls me. I might call her next week to see where we are at.

Tonight I have my nephew again. Last night my sister spent the night and we built a tent in teh living room with S. SO FUN!

Next weekend is H's weekend, but we are all going to the ND game. Then it will be October already...