Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers lost

It seems you uncovered a lot of things that were not working in this stitch and have done a 180 on her. That's great.

I have a suggestion for you. You may want to move over to the Infidelity Forum. There, you will receive strong advice as well as great support. It will be step by step plans in "how-tos" in your stitch.

I believe that dropping her car insurance is great unless the car is in your name.

Could you put yours and W's ages as well as the kids at the bottom of your post?

Thak you for the support and encouragement Dan. I appreciate it.

Piano, the journal is actually a book that is passed to her when she picks up the kids. Her brother does pick up and drop off on my behalf. It is strictly information about kids, things that happen to them i.e. cuts, bruises etc. Anything that she could percieve as bad etc. I tell her about appointments the kids have. Anything coming up like school functions, exciting things the kids do so she knows to ask them about it. I just try to keep her informed on the kids day to day life. So that when she has them, she can talk about these things with them. Once i started doing that, the kids felt a little more at ease and settled down a bit. I guess it just allows mom to interact with the kids about their day to day life and they can feel that mom still knows whats going on daily in their lives.

So today she got the letter regarding the money i kept on from her last pay and the reciepts that were sent with it saying the money was for her past due property taxes and not child support. she went off her rocker, called me at work and just unloaded on me. I simply told her that is where the money went and she just kept yelling and screaming. I told her to go see a lawyer and we would deal with it that way. I hung up and told my secretary that i would not accept any further calls from her.

That was sneaky i might add. Glad my lawyer came up with it. So now the Family Responsibility Office will go after all back child support and i wont have to take her to small claims court to get the property tax money from her. She know that is why I did it, but i dont care.

Both my mother and her mother gave me heck last night for caring to much about what she will think about my actions. I dont want her to hate me, and things like this just push her further away and she hates me a little more. After hate comes indifference, if she gets to that point, i can right this whole thing off.

Both of my mothers must have talked about this ahead of time, cause they both hit with the same comments. They keep telling me to stop caring for her, to cut her off of everything in my life. They both said to stop the journal, to only put important things in it like injuries, appointments or upcoming events related to the children. They said let her feel out of touch with the kids day to day life. My response to that is, it in effect hurts the children and isnt that using the kids against her?

I am going in circles, I know what i should do, I just cant seem to find the strength to do it.

I have told myself that I will not worry about her and her financial and emotional issues anymore. I will ignore her at all costs, unless it is an absolute urgent situation concerning my children. I am sure I will make mistakes, so stay with me. I need the support and guidance through this period. I should be long past this point but I'm not. I truley do love my wife unconditionally, but I will only say iton here. I wont say it to her. so some of my post may sound like I am giving in and stepping backwards, but know i am saying it here and not to her. She is my soulmate, I am certain she will wake up one day and realize what she walked away from. Just like i am certain her OM wont deal with all the issues she brings into their life as I have now stopped dealing with them.

So I am going NC in a big way, any other advise on what i can do or even how to get over this hurdle would be appreciated. I do want to move on with life. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Looks like you are on the right track Tank.
You will need to stop focusing on your W. I know its hard, but if you continue to do what you are doing, ie GAL 180's, she will see the improvement.

The bad....In order for the above to work, the OM has to be out of the picture. You need to draw the boundary, "That you will not be in an open marriage, and if (wife) continuse to do so, I will file for divorce." If she does, go file.

As for the journal, I'd stop. In my opinion, Don't give it to her. Let her contact you and ask how the kids are and what not. Of course the exception is their upcomming appointments(doctors or school).


Everyone will make mistakes. I maade a bunch. But listen to the Jedis here, Sandi,Coach,Puppy..etc. What they may say will sound wrong, but follow it. Remember to do whats right, not how W will feel. Stay focused on yourself and your kids.

Hey Sandi2 & CPC, thanks for the reading my post. I just put a stop payment on the car and the insurance. I am on the car, but i can add insurance to my policy if needed and pay the dealer directly if she doesnt. I will just have to repo the car etc. I will cut back on what i include in the journal, and keep it to only important info regarding the kids.

This was a terrible weekend. My youngest wouldnt leave me alone, she was stuck to my hip for most of the time. My youngest boy has withdrawn from everyone after his weekend with mommy and the OM. I also found out that when his mom showed up to get them for her visit on Thursday, he hopped on his bike and rode away. She had to follow him and get him to come with her.

I am at a loss. He wont talk to me, his grandma, his brothers or anyone. He just doesnt want to be around anyone. He is spending as much time as possible at his friends home. Its like he is trying to hide from our situation. I have tried talking to him, everyone in our family has tried to talk to him, he just says nothing is wrong. Yet he has withdrawn from everyone. I had them seeing a therapist, got so I couldnt afford it anymore. My ex hasnt lived up to her end of the bargin.

I am worried about my kids. My oldest has already said he doesnt care if he lives or dies, I have had him at the doctors, he is on a list for a child physcologist, but the waiting time is too long. This has messed my kids up so much. Any guidance people could give me on what to do, or books ect. that my help, I would be very grateful. My children didnt ask for this to happen.

My 2 step children have told me that there father and step mom are officially separated as well, so more stress for them. They have had 3 different parental units and all three have ended in separations/divorce. I cant beging to imagine what they are going through. I have such a heavy heart as i cant make things better for them.

I try to leave my stress outside the home, but somedays it is very hard. They are good children, who just dont know which way is up.

My kids are effecting me more and more. My oldest has begged me not to do anything until after christmas. My little girl just wants her mom. I had to go to her cause she was in the bath and wouldnt stop crying. All she wanted was her mommy. I couldnt deal with her so thank god grandma was home.

I think the reason i am stuck here at this point is beacuse of them. I truley love my wife, i do believe she is my solemate. But i also know i can live the rest of my life alone without her. Then the children come into play. they are expecting dad to fix everything. I tell them I cant make mommy come home and they dont understand, nor do i expect them to. I wipe the tears, i tell them its okay, that mommy and daddy both love them. It just doesnt seem to be enough and the stress is building up on me.

I know im gonna crash, i just cant handle it anymore. I cant be politically correct with my children. I want to tell to take all their questions to their mother, but all she says "im not coming home" or "I dont know". So the kids come back to me.

So any parents dealing with similar situations please share with me how you have handle these kinds of questions etc.

_________________________

me 33, wife 31
(step)S 14/(step)S12/S8/D6

Get counseling for the children. You are in no condition to help them all by yourself. When they ask questions that you can't answer....just tell them you don't know.

Don't try to force anything on them and let them feel whatever it is they are experiencing. Your W is probably trying to force OM on them and wants them to accept him. It's all too much for them.

Hi Sandi, I wont force anything on my children except the occasional bad meal. lol.

I was keeping my children in counciling but it was costing me to much money. My wife hasnt paid her support, her share of property taxes, and i have been maintaining the status quo for my children with the house, activities and vacations without the luxury of a second income. At $85 per hour and no coverage, it costs alot for 4 kids. I have been to the school and talked with teachers and priniple about the situation, just to refresh their memories from the end of last school year. All 4 of my children are getting an hour each week with a guidance councillor and they board of ed does have a child physcologist on staff that they are trying to get my oldest to as he is on a 3 month waiting list through our family dr.

So i took some advice from here and I stopped the journal entry. I remind the kids if they want mommy to know things, let me know so i can mark them down. My wife has started to communicate with all 4 children in a similar manner. She has 8 books, 2 for each child. one book is for the kids to write in and the other for mommy to write in. Its a great tool just to get my kids to read a write, but man its hard when my 6 year old asks me to help write a letter to mommy. I dont think my wife realizes just how much of a sense of loss this might create for her. She was a great mom before all this. This communication todate has been very much filled with I love you, i miss you, wish you were home with me and lots of xoxoxoxoxo.

I guess i see this as a positive note, in that this might break her out of the fog and make her say what the f*@k am I doing and seek some help for herself to solve her issues. Ultimately I would like to work on this marriage, but I havent yet been able to bust the affair.

I know that she had a brief argument with her mother today over our thanksgiving. Her entire family, even the 1 cousin she still talks to (who left her husband at the same time but has returned home) will be here as well. She has the kids that weekend and her mom told her to have the children home be 6 for turkey dinner and family time. My wife i guess got pretty emotional that she wasnt invited. but my mother in law is just as angry at her as i am, and until she accepts responsibility for her actions, she isnt welcome in my home. My mil respects that boundary, even walks to the road to talk to her daughter.

I guess we never thought she would be gone so long, to see her kids for 8 hours aweek after they were such a key component of her life.

Well about me for a minute. I lost another 10lbs this last week. For a total of 62lbs since april. I feel great, I look great and the kids appreciate that i am off that dam couch and active with them. My strict routine is paying off hugh. 5 30 in the morning is an aweful time to start my day, but 62lbs says it all. I weigh less now then I did in Highschool. My house is clean, the kids do their chores without reminders and we have a good time together. They are all reading every night. The goal is to get my 2 step children off of their ISP and back into mainstream classes. So i am really focusing on them for the first time in 10 years and they are thrieving on it. So now i just need to get past this need for my wife and I will be great.

One day at a time, still NC of any kind. Day 4 (this go around)

So, today my wife sends me a text message to say she payed her insurance and paid the car payment. She also wnated me to know they have her banking information. I was very short with "thanks for taking care of your business."
She asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk to her about. I told her

me: "no, just that i was sorry it had come to this. if she only knew."

her: if i only knew what?

me: that we have come to this stage of our lives and have fu@#$# things up so badly. I'm sorry for my contributions to this mess

Her: wow!!!!!!??

me: what does wow mean?

Her: i am shocked your accepting responsibility for your part in this.

me: w I'm not perfect, i know that, but nothing I have done warranted this being done to me.

her: your right

me: Bye, have a good day.

So not sure if it meant anything, but it was nice to have that conversation with out flipping out. I was able to do that and still get the message across. I feel that it was a positive interaction, and I maintained control of myself and my emotions.

Mot bad per se. Could be A LOT better. As always, don't think into things, no mind reading.

I know things go on the fly, but you need to be prepared to answer questions and validate. It will get tougher if/when she calls. Remember to keep following Sandi's rules.

These especially when talking.

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.


REAL IMPORTANT

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

One thing I want to make sure you understood what I meant by not forcing anything on the kids. They do need structure in the home. They will even test you, at some point, to see if you love them enough to make them follow whatever your house rules are. Expect them to act out b/c they do not know how to deal with this. Most of all, they must be assured that you still love them. Even when they have to be disciplined...they know that dad is doing that b/c he "cares" about them.

I sure understand about the cost of counseling. I think most public schools have counselors available to the students. The teachers & counselors need to be alerted of the stitch, especially your oldest son who has said he didn't care if he lived or died. That needs to be taken seriously. He is suffering so badly. He will probably be the one who will rebel the most.

Does your family attend Church? If you have a Pastor, he could counsel with your oldest child, at least, and probably all of them.



I would suggest that you don't do that b/c it places too much strain on the kids. To them, it's like they are having to choose in favor of mom or dad. Besides, you are enabling her by giving her all the information about the kids. She needs to suffer "loss".

You cannot force her to be a good parent and you cannot give the kids all the answers they want. Even if you do not know what to say, you need to show strength in front of them. It's so important that they see their daddy being strong during this terrible time. Their mother has left them, and she's acting crazy...and trying to get them to like a new man for their new daddy. It scares the mess out of them and they may wonder if you are going to pull a stunt like their mom did.



Have you suggested that she draw and color pictures instead of writing a letter? Maybe she could practice whatever her homework might be, like writing her ABC's or her numbers, etc.

The goal is to get my 2 step children off of their ISP

What is ISP?

Did you lose ten pounds in one week??? Surely not! That does not sound healthy. Are you eating?

I hope you're buying some new clothes to go with the new body image! Always look well groomed and smelling good. The kids will notice, you'll feel good about yourself, and mommy will hear about all of it from the mouths of babes...

I appreciate the reminder cpc, I hope i will be able to handle these situations better going forward.

Well Sandi, I make sure my children know that both mommy and daddy love them. I tell them everyday. Grandma saved me from having to write those letters. I do school work, if they want to write mom a letter of make her a picture, they go downstairs and spend time with Grandma. I am lucky for that support.

The school Principle and teachers do know, my children have an open door available any time they need it. The oldest has used it twice so far this year. the board of education does have a child physcologist on staff and they have arranged an hour each week for my oldest until we get through the waiting list from our family dr. That was a hugh load off of my mind today.

Things have not always been good between me and my oldest (stepson). He idolized his father and him and i would get into so pretty nasty situations. The funny thing is, since my wife and his mother left, him and i have never been closer. I hug him and yes I hug him in public, and he doesnt care, pretty proud of him for that. We talk and text every day. We kinda just looked at each oter and called a truce and we talked about everything. It was like WOW for me, i had missed out on so much up to this point. I love being a full time dad. I love cooking for them and just the interaction in the kitchen, with the gossip, whos doing what, even talking to me. Their friends are always at my house. Which for me is great, always know where my kids are. Who would have thought that i would get a positive out of something so negative.

I did lose 10 lbs in a week. I have been averaging less, but this week i was a little more stressed and pushed that much harder at the gym. I am eating more then ever before, and i do see my dr. every 2 weeks to make sure i am on tarket for our agreed upon goals.

I 6 months into this nightmare, and just from the last few days on here and reading others stories, i know i can become the man i need to be for me, and if she decides to join me so be it. that being said, im sure i will screw up along this journey many more times.