Hey GAG, I hear what punkin is saying about her friends as mine are really important to me and I need them in my life. Some give wonderful advice or just sit and listen.....and that's friendship! However, some are also like truegritter's friends and they're really negative. I know they said, "Forget him, move on" as a way to alleviate my pain. It's not that simple though, is it? At the end of the day we all make our own decisions. I know the decisions I have made to have contact with H would be viewed negatively by some and that's why I don't talk about it except to my closest friends. They're the ones who listen and don't judge, or if they do, they keep judgements to themselves. You have to believe that XH is just as discerning.
GAG I wouldn't look too much at him and try to analyze what's going on.
I agree 100% with the above quote. Ya know some time we just analyze and analyze...until we are so freaking confused. I mean really what ever happened to just living? What happened to just going with the flow?
IMO - I would stop worrying about what he may be going thru, what he may be thinking, what he may be feeling, is he gonna call, not gonna call, etc.
You know who you are and you know what YOU need in YOUR life. Be yourself, let him be himself...then....
Just live and go with the flow...trust your feelings.
If it was meant to be it will be...
Can you control the friends he has? I think you know that the answer is NO. I think the bigger questions is....
Why would you want to?
Just my 2 cents.
Keep live GAG...just live and let take you where it will take you and please stop overanalyzing things. For example...
If the sun is facing 13 degree's north east from where you are right now and... if it is 8PM in Africa and... if the wind is blowing 18 mph northwest where you live and... if they are playing rerun's of friends in australia and.... if 4 people are logged onto the DB site on Friday at 12:15 pm and... and.... and....
Does all of this mean X?
Get what I'm saying...don't overanalyze...just enjoy your time with him. Be yourself. Let him be himself and hey...see where it goes.
Good Luck and God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
.....some are also like truegritter's friends and they're really negative. I know they said, "Forget him, move on" as a way to alleviate my pain. It's not that simple though, is it? At the end of the day we all make our own decisions. I know the decisions I have made to have contact with H would be viewed negatively by some and that's why I don't talk about it except to my closest friends.
I've been following this discussion and hope to post a real response in the next day or so................just needed to tell someone about what happened today. I came home from work to find a large amber envelope had arrived in the mail. My name was typed on the front with about 10 stamps on the front. No return address. Inside was a copy of the book "He's Just Not that into You" with several sections of text highlighted in yellow and big yellow stars in the margins. VERY WEIRD! When I looked closer I saw a single very long dyed blonde (black root) hair stuck in the tape that was used to tape my address on the front of the package.
I have only confided in about 5 people that I have been working to reconnect with XH. Only one of these has long dyed blonde hair: BMF's X-GF. She took me out to dinner for my birthday 3 nights ago and seemed to get a bit annoyed when I was talking about interactions with XH. I'm thinking it's probably her.............It's disappointing that so many people feel uncomfortable when someone works to maintain a R with someone they were M'ed to.
[quote=goodattitudegirlI have only confided in about 5 people that I have been working to reconnect with XH. Only one of these has long dyed blonde hair: BMF's X-GF. She took me out to dinner for my birthday 3 nights ago and seemed to get a bit annoyed when I was talking about interactions with XH. I'm thinking it's probably her............. GAG [/quote]
Kinda creeped out by this!!! Do you think she is jealous? insecure?
Thankyou for your words of encouragement on the alt!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I have looked at this issue of friends and advice.
They try to prop up(reinforce) their own fear-based conclusions or decisions by tearing down others in the guise of "helping"
The motive? To confirm to themselves that their own life makes sense. To fight the fear and self doubt that still lies within.
I do not believe they are doing this consciously or with malice it is more to allay their own sense of self doubt.
They think "You must believe as I do so I feel validated and confirmed."
If you have taken this journey and you have 'crossed over' as I like to describe it from being the victim of someone's bad behavior or choices -(this is the "he's just not that into you" stage.)
...then you have come to learn the paradox of our journey here.
And that is for me:
It is our choice to have faith in ourselves (not another person) to stand for what we believe.
The "he's just not that into you" mentality is based in placing boundaries so as to protect you from others ...protect you from being a victim. Protect you being a fool. A doormat.
You ARE those things if you believe you are and if you have to continually focus your energy on protecting yourself from that then you will always fear being a fool, a doormat, whatever or the fear of someone calling you any of those things.
GAG what did you feel when you opened that package?
Like she was suggesting you were a doormat? Foolish? Do you think she wanted you to feel that way?
Or
That is what she feels. In empathizing with you she placed herself in your shoes (that is the process of empathy right?)
And she responded from her own protection mode. She felt like a doormat and wanted to stand up for herself (you).
Why didn't she sign it? If you believe in yourself and your own experience that is what you are witness to. And you are not afraid to tell it.
Look at these boards. Those who have their sh!t out there. All of it. Not afraid to tell it. Not afraid to speak it FROM THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE.
Are you going to go through life with a crash helmut on?
At some point you gotta take the helmut off and walk around.
At the conceptual level I guess this could be described as the growth process from being focused outwardly for happiness, fulfilment and contentment. (Our spouse and others make us happy)
to self realization (knowing ones self)
then self actualization. (actually living it)
That IS what we learn here IF we do the work.
You will hear me use this quote from Christopher Reeve (Superman)
"To be truly free in life takes either tragedy or courage, to my children I certainly recommend the latter."
The truth is most of us have to experience the tragedy to grow.
It is very scary for people who are still in the outwardly focused worldview and self image.
For those people recruiting more folks to their way of thinking is comforting and reassuring, it confirms and validates them
A person who stands on their own, without fear. A self actualized person if you will, needs none of that.
It is also the difference in using tactics vs real change.
Real change brings truth and self confidence from within, not without.
I have actually learned to deal with folks with compassion now when confronted with it because I can recognize it for what it is.
Because the truth is they are the ones who are stuck.
And that's ok we all must come to our own peace, in our own time.
Wow my head hurst after that...
I need some more coffee.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
First, there are a lot of bottle blondes out there. It might not be who you think it is at all. BUT, as you say, it's quite a coincidence for this book to arrive out of nowhere right after you saw her for lunch.
Second, are you sure your XH might not be involved with another woman? I thought mine couldn't because he had such problems with impotency due to his medications. Proved me wrong.
Third, could this 'friend' be involved, or perhaps wishes to be involved with your XH? I'm really sorry to say that, but that is sort of the scenario that got thrust on me when my H had his first A. It was with his best friends wife, and she became noticably upset when I talked to her about OUR R.
Just sayin'. Protect yourself GAG. No expectations. As far as this woman is concerned, don't trust her.
Thanks pie, Cas, Grit, Lance, punkin, CW, eric, and Seeking for sharing your perspectives. I'll try to address some of your feedback.
First, catching up...... GF visiting from Montreal had a very good insight about why it was probably easier for XH to chat with BMF about their differences than with me about ours. (On Labor Day weekend I went into a tailspin because XH wanted to work out his differences with BMF, but hadn't even tried to do this between us.) My GF said that XH's disagreement with BMF (BMF is jealous of the time XH spends with BMF's XW) is more clear cut and not as emotionally laden as his differences with me. For XH to work out his differences with me would require him to look inside ---- and that's a very scary place for him.....That explanation really helped me to put this into perspective.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
For a couple minutes last night I saw behind his mask. He let down his guard with me. I don't remember ever seeing him so unguarded before.
When I wrote this I meant that I had NEVER seen the H/XH behind his social mask. Not even before or when we were M. It was surprising that he allowed me to see that.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
I have reached a new level of detachment. I will continue to be a friend, but I don’t think I will be DB’ing as actively as I have in the past
Lance, when I wrote this I meant that I was going to stop doing the majority of the work needed to maintain my R with XH. I am going to be more relaxed. Initially, H was SO resistant to any type of friendly interaction and was focused like a laser on getting D'ed that I DB'ed my heart out. I always looked fabulous when H saw me, I spent time writing e-mails to make sure they wouldn't send him scurrying away, and I constantly thought about how I could make myself seem more interesting to him. Jody said that H was unusually resistant to DB'ing so I kinda went into hyperdrive and stayed there. I don't think I would be in a friendly R with XH now if I hadn't done that. Lance, yes, I think that what I meant is that I am changing my focus now, probably more in line with what Eric described very nicely ("don't overanalyze...just enjoy your time with him. Be yourself. Let him be himself and hey...see where it goes.")
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Can you control the friends he has? I think you know that the answer is NO. I think the bigger questions is....
Why would you want to?
Eric, thank you for your perspective. Re: XH's BMF, the issue for me now is less about wanting to control who XH's friends are (really it's only ONE friend (BMF) that I am concerned about; his other friends are very good people) than it is about whether or not I want to be in a R with someone who chose to place such an immoral BMF smack in the middle of our M R.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
At some point you have to understand yourself. Step out of the pack. That is hard for men I think. Their relationships are escapes really because you are always on the cursery level. We don't go deep usually. The things we do are by design to escape really. Watch football together, grab a beer etc. We are not very well equipped to help eachother in the life department until we grow up.
Unfortunately, as I have said before, it often takes tragedy to start the growing process.
And that scare the sh!t out of men. Because all we want to do is fix it.
Grit, GREAT post!!!!!!!! REALLY appreciate your insight into male friendships. I think that I need to laminate this one. Thanks!
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Don't worry about others influence on him. He has to figure it out on his own. And if he doesn't, well, you've already been there and you don't want to go back.
You are right! I see changes in XH now. I guess time will tell whether he gains the kind of insight you are referring to.
Punkin, I don't intend to go away any time soon. All of this dialogue is VERY helpful for sorting things out and growing.
Originally Posted By: Cas05
However, some are also like truegritter's friends and they're really negative. I know they said, "Forget him, move on" as a way to alleviate my pain. It's not that simple though, is it?
Yes, Cas. It seems that lately almost all of my friends who were at least somewhat supportive of my efforts toward reconciliation, are now encouraging me to walk away. This adds to my confusion so I really appreciate being able to come here.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Wow my head hurst after that...
I need some more coffee.
WOW!!!!!!!!! I want some of what YOU'RE drinking!!!! I like your analysis of possible friends' motivations.
Interesting developments regarding the package sent by the anonyI mous individual. I spoke with my sister about this and she suggested that file a report with the police department since the highlighted areas were a bit menacing. We spent some time talking about who might have sent it and she suggested that BMF might have done so. She said that the long blonde hair taped to the front sounded like it might have been put there on purpose (sister is a litigator and has dealt with private investigators in her long career). When I looked the book again, I saw two words ("not friend") written in a margin. I remembered that I had a book full of cards from our wedding reception and looked for cards that had different individuals' writing.
BMF's X-GF's writing (my first hunch) was not at all similar, but BMF's writing looked to my untrained eye to be a very close match........Interesting. Not sure what kind of action the police department would take, if any, but I will sleep on this plan and decide how to proceed tomorrow...........and yes, punkin, there is always the possibility that if XH has OW (I don't know if he does or not) that she might have sent it too.
