Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What did your WA bring to the relationship?

Actions. She moved out, and she took the kids, and doesn't let him see them and refuses to get on a co-parenting calendar even. She has retained an attorney and has initiated the divorce process.

She isn't calling him up and asking him out to dinner. She's hinted around about things enough so that he's been effectively warned that she's going for primary custody with as little time as possible with dad.

Not saying things will always be this way, but it is what it is, right? It's not like it's hard to read these things or that she's sending mixed signals.

I'm all for being fun, charming, empathetic, and so on. Being foolish and not protecting yourself, however, isn't being charming or even wise.

TH you still crack me up. I guess its part of the process, MP I know there were positives at some point, but I feel when you start to detach, you are doing what the WA was doing. Start to focus on the negatvies and the crap behavior and it helps you move on day by day.

Yes she is still trying to light me up, in a different way. My L and I have both called her L, and have not received a call back. So I am being patient and will see my kiddos soon enough. I was on the phone with S last night and he keeps asking me to come over. That is the hard part, but the easy part is I miss my kids, the W? not so much.

HIH, my W didnt have to work either, when our S was born she was stay at home. But this required me to work more, so it was double edge sword. She complained I worked too much, but didnt come up with a solution or an alternative.

We evaluate our relationships based on reality.

Also TH, you make a good point. I was not abusive, did not cheat did not do anything extreme to enrage her. I have been mostly cooperative, cordial, not defensive and not offensive. So what drives a person to treat me this horrible? Is she getting angry that I have not been completely devasted by her decision, so she goes even more into "Im gonna show him" mode?

Right. The negatives are compelling. All I said is that you must include consideration of the positives in order to give your R a fair shot, though it's a lot easier to shoot down a relationship if you only consider the negatives.

I remember being in chambers with a senior family court judge who related a conversation he had with a judge who was on the criminal calendar. The judge told him that in criminal court he got to see bad people on their best behavior, but that in family court the judge in question got to see good people on their worst behavior.

That is not to defend DSH's W's behavior or to say that he is wrong in his eval of his R. It just makes the point that these sitches can bring out the worst in people and I don't think any of us deserve to be judged solely on our worst behavior unless that behavior has always defined us or is a large component of our personality.

I'm sure DSH has taken everything into consideration for himself, though.

One of my new lines I never got to use (yet),

"Gee, you're kind of sexy when you're angry".

Dying to use that one. Dag nabit.

I say just because you are taking care of business is no reason not to do your best Cary Grant impersonation when you get a chance

DS

I don't know that she is a good person or a bad person. You are in a much better position to decide that than I am. I do know that women are effected by hormones in a way that we are not. (See John Grey's book re how men and women handle stress.) They also react and are sensitive to fear and isolation in a way we are not. (See the Fear/Shame Dynamic). Something put her into a Me vs Him mode and I don't know what it is. It could be something beyond her control, or it could be how she treats everyone. Maybe she is just of weak character. Maybe she is drowning. I wish I could tell you. I just don't know.

Absolutely. I have two sets of feelings for my W. When I feel I am being too soft, I "visit" with the negatives. When I feel I am being too hard, I "visit" with the positives. But, I know what I am doing and why I am doing it. When it comes down to it, I will make a home with the negatives if that's what it takes to move on.

Isn't that what you are doing? Judging DSH because he can't think of any positives at the moment? I provided the rough details of his sit so that you could be more empathetic to his particular situation if you chose to do so.

Alas....

Geez, TH. I wasn't judging him at all. That's a bit of a stretch even for you.

DSH, if you thought I was judging you, I apologize.