Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Frustrated, Back Again, the Saga continues

It's not "mind games" to assess the truth of what might be threatening your family, and to then deal with the truth accordingly. But it's up to you -- I won't push it any further, other than to say that I've never been wrong.

It never ceases to amaze me how posters will come on this forum and ask US -- complete strangers, who don't live with you and who don't really have a clue, from this distance -- "what do you think THIS means," or "do you suppose she's doing THAT?", etc. And yet they won't utilize any tools at their disposal to assess what's REALLY going on with their wayward spouse.

And you're being naive if you think that a man won't eventually reciprocate, if he hasn't already.

Puppy

Xabian,

I kind of feel where you are coming from....I wonder if maybe you DBed, but didn't ever fully throw yourself back into the relationship...you know, that last little kernel of yourself that allows yourself to get truly messed up if another bomb drops. Or maybe you've been half-tempted to be the walk-away yourself. I even understand your "what does it matter" type thought on an affair...I've had that from time to time myself, it's a feeling like, "well, if that's the case, I'll kick her to the curb and move forward. It'll come out eventually." If you get real suspicious, I'd say your money is on getting e-blaster or other spyware for the computer and seeing what shakes out, but it might not be necessary at this point.

Do I even have advice? Not sure I have anything helpful. I'd do as you are already doing and focus on yourself. I'd suggest you not help your wife with her own self-improvements, ala tanning, etc. Let her pick her own way. Give her the space she asked for, but really give that to her, and that includes you getting out with the kids and with friends (or even alone if need be). Friendly to her, but aloof.

One last thing: Have you looked at the 5 love languages book, by Gary Chapman? She's probably rewriting history, but you might just want to consider whether you've really been speaking her love language. Perhaps you aren't seeing success in all this time because you've been the loving husband in the way you choose to show love, rather than the way she'd choose to receive it.

Brief update. Not much has changed. W is happier as she's looking after her self and i've honored the 'giving her space' request.

Things are at a standstill. The relationship is amicable but it is quite weird that there is no physical or sexual relationship to speak of. I don't like sleeping next to my 'best friend'.

I am not convinced she is chasing or seeing anyone but i'm not stupid and see that she could easily fall for OM in an affair if the opportunity arose. Would she take the opportunity? Who knows. I would like to think not but who am i kidding. I'm not sure she has that type of respect for us anymore.

I'm really bummed about this. I thought i'd see some change in her attitude after a month, one way or the other, but nothing. I guess i have to start looking after myself as if i were single and looking to attract another woman. At my age now i should be looking after myself anyway.

So ya bummed. Still alive, status quo.

She's continuing to act like there's someone else. Yes, I think if you did the above, it would probably "work," but you won't have solved the core marital issues.

Something's (someone's?) blocking her.

Puppy

Update. Yes, its been quite awhile.

The saga continues. Don't ask me how this can go on so long. My patience is all but eroded.

No sexual relations since last june. No intimacy whatsoever since last june. Not even the pretense, not even for show for the kids. The kids aren't dumb and i suspect they suspect something because i see a wall there where they will not discuss anything.

W pretends. And keeps going along. Suspected EA's? Maybe one sided at best. She's up and down. There and not there.

I am completely emotionally detached from the possibilities. I just don't give a flying you know what anymore. I am tired. So tired of this bull. My wife is so detached and emotionally unavailable. At times still so unhappy and unwilling to communicate whatsoever. I do not know how to help her. There will be one last attempt to go all out and do something different for 'me' but perhaps for her as well. Giving her space has not done a thing. She has not done anything with it. I will sacrifice and change once more as i have sacrificed but this is the final straw. After this there is nothing left for us and she will get a jolt because i will be the walkaway spouse.

This is almost a decade in the making. If it weren't for the kids i'd be gone long ago. Just frustrated beyond belief. Its hard when a marriage is so one sided.

Forgive the rant.

Hey..it's what we're here for. I can feel your frustration...hugs!

Like the rest of us...you'll know when you are done.

yup and I agree with puppy, sounds like it all over again.
You said it yourself, she never really showed you alot of caring or love, just appeasement more or less and that isn't a relationship, that pretty much sucks and you took it which is even worse.

Test her.

If you were ballsy enough, sit her down and tell her
"look this relationship hasn't been that great for me either, I really get nothing out of it and I've tried to give you a good life. Do we just tough it out for the kids but see other people because I have met someone that I wouldn't mind pursuing a relationship with"

and then see if her curiousity in you increases, if she doesn't care, she doesn't care and it's time to move on.

You should look after yourself. However in a marriage the spouse should look after you as well. One hand washes the other.

It's not a rant and you have invested so much time and energy into this I'm going to ask you to try something you haven't tried.

Sit her down,
tell her that since she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore that you are going to start seeing someone you just met for the purposes of a sexual only relationship. You will maintain appearances for your children while you both live in that home but you just don't want to wait for her to come to her senses anymore and you didn't get married to become an asexual monk. Tell her that this is not just what you want, in the end it's what your wife wants too, she can't expect you to live without sex, that would be selfish of her and don't let her turn this around because she might try to do that and then thank her for being such a good friend and understanding that what you're doing isn't personal and then leave the room.

No long drawn out conversations, just make your point, you're not asking for her approval, in fact the opposite, you're making a decision and moving on with your life. It's ok, it's your life, the only one you get to live and it's time you started doing this.

If she has a problem with this then tell her it's time that you separated, ask her when she will move out of the home and then tell her when you guys should speak to the kids about this.

What if she says "I see your point. I am being selfish" starts having sex with him again? Too logical I guess.