Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW left on Independence Day and not communicating

If you wanted a divorce, you would have already filed for a divorce. I think she gets that.

The question is, do you file, do you tell her to file, or do you suggest mediation, right?

From a purely monetary point if view, whoever files--if it is a simple, uncontested divorce--spends the most money.

I figure around 1500 to file, and around 800 if you aren't the one filing if it's simple.

If there are kids involved, then more $$$.

My understanding--and I could be wrong--about mediation is that it is something you do to work out things like property division and custody issues so that you can draft a dissolution agreement more easily that you both can agree on.

I didn't have to do mediation because we worked everything out ahead of filing, so it was a matter of simply agreeing that I keep what is mine, she keeps what is hers, and we aren't responsible for each others' debts or attorney fees.

My W was antsy, so she filed first, and that saved me some money. Looking back, I don't think that's terribly important (saving 700 bucks).

HT,

I am not worried about $$. From the psychological standpoint (Coach's) I need to show confidence by taking charge and leading. However, if I file I have a little control in that I can delay the D...is that correct? I know I am controlling the sitch, but your W has done that twice and now you two are on the uptick She could have easily flipped the switch back in May and the two of you go on your seperate ways.

Yes she has, and yes we are. The thing is... if I were the one to want to change things now, I would have to file perhaps. Who knows? It's not something I think about much.

Also there is an expiry on the dissolution agreement (at 6 months, I think). From a purely monetary point of view, if it isn't going to work out for us, I am better off if what we have goes through before then.

But then there's love and commitment and possibly a happy marriage ahead

Hurt, you have already told her you don't want the M to end and you want to work at it. She responded by saying she wants a mediator. There is your answer.

At this point, you do need to show confidence in yourself by not letting her dictate the rest. If she wants a D, give it to her. Do not hold onto her for dear life if she wants out. That is not confident, that is desperate and clingy.

It seems to be she is already responding to your "leading" by this example here:



It may not seem like it, since your are inside the sitch but from the outside looking in, it's clear she is responding to you taking action. Even if the end result is a D, you are handling it well.

True story: long long ago, I was dating a guy and decided to end things after awhile since I didn't feel that "spark" was between us. When I ended it, he just said "Ok," and that he understood.

To this day, I am still impressed and kind of happy with the way he handled it. There was such a level of confidence and gracefulness with the way he handled it it. I honestly think everyone should handle a break up that way.

To the extent that it matters, and I'm not sure that it matters at all, her asking if you're okay with it, etc., may be about her wanting you to be okay with the divorce in general in order to assuage her guilt.

That's how I read that, too, MP.

TH,

I compare your sitch with mine since we both do not have children and there was a time when you two had NC. the difference is that your W filed pretty quickly when she left so that was probably out of shear emotion.

My W took 10 weeks to bring it up then ask me twice if I was okay with this. I don't know why she waited and speculation is pure mind reading at this point and probably doesn't matter. The fact is your W delayed the D a couple of times and is now rediscovering you and the R. She could have easily D'd and you two would have gone on your seperate ways. Therefore, I want time and not pull the lever so quickly.

My W is quite a few years younger than me and this is her first life changing decision that she has had to make on her own. Sure she wanted to marry me, but I am the one who made the arrangements. She is asking me for guidance just as she always has, but this time it is to D me...ironic. I think it will be an eye opening experience if she get served papers so I might just pull the lever on Thursday.

Maybe coach will chime in?

If you go this route, do it because you don't want to be married to somebody who wants to divorce you, isn't living with you, and isn't willing to work on your marriage.

Don't do it to teach her anything. You aren't her teacher. She's an adult. I hear a little superiority creeping in (and that's normal--happens all of the time). She's an adult, her feelings are important, and she is letting you lead for now on how the divorce is going to proceed.

You could also tell her that you think she should be the one to file.

Choices.

If she files, her attorney schedules the hearing, any delays, etc.

If you file, then you and your attorney control these things, but who knows what happens?

She could go dark again in either case.

If you file, then she gets to chose whether or not to seek legal representation.

Your call, Buddy.

HT,

I know a little attitude came out of my last comment. I have been pretty good considering the darkness she has put me through the last 10 weeks....very frustrating times.

And I don't want to be married to someone who does not want to be married to me! It appears to be half a dozen one or the other at this moment.

Advice

So this is the email that I have drafted to send to my W. All of what I say is factual in that I have a lot of things on my plate with my job and I do have vacation planned (suppose to be with my W to celebrate her RN and passing orientation) the following week.

I will put my lawyer on hold for now and investigate the benefits of a mediator then get back to you later this week if possible. However, I have a lot of meetings and presentations next week that I am preparing for and the following week I am going on vacation.