Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

Thanks Kara and Dagny-2.

So sorry Dagny that it happened a second time to you. Once is quite enough. I don't know about the OW, she's still in the (small) town, has a flat 2 streets from him and has her 2 girls every second week - so she's got freedom I don't have. She's one of his sports 'pupils' and hasn't left the club. So she's shaking her sorry behind under his nose on a regular basis. I assume they've been together or are getting back there.But she did put him under pressure like I never have done, so he might get fed up with that.

I too think that being alone is showing him I'm not to blame for the funk he's in. Even on a practical level, this is a man who never cooked an egg, never did the shopping, never used the washing machine... He's even realising that the cost of living has rocketed, the man who used to gripe I couldn't balance the books. He's got to grow up. He's less angry lately, but I just don't know when the anger will melt away: lots of it must be at himself.

I've done my best to stop saying I love him and my feelings are still the same, even though it goes agaist the grain. i encourage my kids to talk to him, but they don't really want to.The eldest (D13) will hardly speak to him. They feel betrayed; the sudden change from loving husband to furious ice-man has shocked them.The fine line between breeziness and cold is hard to tread, but I'm getting there. I try not to talk about the future or the past (our R), but I have backslid at times.

I've had my hair changed, try to look good at all times, but feel a wreck inside. Was never confident about my charms, his rejection of me,so sudden, has made me shrink from male company.That I have to address: I have two daughters, I want them to feel pretty and confident, I don't want to transmit this lack of confidence.

My H also fell "in love" with this OW, but also ended it several times (says he), only she stopped eating, he was sorry for her...
He never wondered how I coped with his lies and rejection. Or did he?

I don't contact him except on child related stuff, but I got a new e-mail address today and sent it to him from work. It might be handy on a practical level.I just said "here's my new professional mail. Have a good week". Too much?

I want to take the kids to see my family in Ireland this winter, maybe time alone will help him see things in another light.

what worries me about DB techniques is the "u-turn" aspect. I can see certain annoying traits in myself have to be corrected, certain projects I must pull off alone, but don't want to change my personality. This OW is my polar opposite - petite and a brunette while I'm broadly built and fair-haired, the life and soul of the party while I'm quiet and reserved, a sportswoman very t home with her body, while I've always been a reader and thinker and am not at ease physically. I'm taking more care of my appearance, but my H used to like the natural look. She's forever in and out of the beauty salon. I knowI shouldn't worry too much about that, but I compare myself with her and find myself wanting. I don't want to become like that, it wouldn't fit.

Thanks Dagny for telling me tat you managed to turn things 'round once. That's good news for me and for you. He knows that you found your way back to each other before, so he may find the path back more easily a second time. Sorry about the OW, though. As for me, it makes things more complicated. I tell myslf that my H has always been unstable (professionally, and-before me-sentimentally). He hasn't always known what he wants, and often has wanted the very thing he hasn't had. When he obtains/creates/achievesor even buys something, he's often disappointed. Wants it all and can't decide. Impatient and impulsive and can be envious. Are these the ingredients that go to make up the candidate for MLC? Chronic insatifaction can make you do great things, push you to great heights, but it also makes you fragile. When I'm feeling zen, I tell myself he'll find he's not so sure of liking what he's got once he's with her and they've no obstacles. Then he won't have me anymore and maybe that's when he'll want to reconsider.Maybe.

Anyway, good luck. I'm going to read your other posts and see your story.
NCU

NCU

You are sounding better. Good on you for making some outward changes that you feel comfortable with. There was a popular song when I was growing up with words something like this - " Don't go changing to try to please me, you've never let me down before. Don't imagine you're too familiar and I don't see you anymore". The words of the song notwithstanding, I guess we can become complacent with the familiar and it is always good to change up things now and then, right?

I think going on vacation to Ireland is an excellent idea. The change of scenery will do you good. It will help with your detahment and serve to remind you that you can enjoy yourself without H. As a purely secondary consideration, it will also signal to your H that you are not sitting around wringing your hands. I say go for it!

As for OW, don't worry so much about what she is or isn't. It is natural to, of course, and it would be foolish not to look as clinically as possible at where she meets needs which you may thik you have neglected. This can be a useful exercise but don't focus too much on her because you can only be a better and more authentic you. You can't be anyone else. As you said "It wouldn't fit".

I think that your confidence will grow as you continue to show your husband that you deserve to be respected. Believe that you are a sexy, attractive, desirable woman and project that. He can't help but notice. If he decides that he wants back in and you still want him back, then you will both agree what steps need to be taken,what changes you BOTH need to make and take it from there.

NCU-
I am also having difficulty with the 'being more attractive' 180. I am an 'earth mother' type at this point in my life. I don't like wearing makeup or being done up...I like spending time in the garden and dress rather frumpily as it is more practical. I refuse to become someone I don't want to be, but I do find that I feel better if I look a bit less frumpy, which helps me to feel more confidant. I have been wearing more sun dresses instead of oversized t-shirts. I wear mascara now-even to garden. I used to wear plain ear studs, but now I change them out for fancier jewelry. I have perfume allergies, but have found some natural oil perfumes that don't bother me. People around me have commented that I look very nice, and it has helped my self-esteem greatly! I started doing it to try to attract H's attention, but now I am seeing that it helps me feel better about myself, and the compliments from other people are a real brightener! I don't want to be someone that I am not anymore, for him or anyone else-but being a better me has boosted my self-esteem and the fact that other people are noticing has made me realize how little I had been caring for and nurturing myself. These are the first steps to a better world for us-whatever the outcome!

Oxymoron,
I agree totally. I've made more of an effort myself, changed my wardrobe a little, started to wear a little makeup and jewellery and perfume mre often.I've had my hair highlited and cut and I've lost weight. And I've realized how little time I took for myself in the past. I've even started to use
Ilotion all over my body and have invested in new underwear. No-one sees it but me, but I feel better for it. I actually went into a beauty shop to enquire after anti-ageing creams for my face. Things my H has done and said have made me feel about 100. The beatuician told me I didn't need them, that my skin was just very dry, very tired and in need of pampering. She said it was all in my head! I could have hugged her.

All that to say I realize it's time to take care of myself and rediscover the woman who's been hiding under my skin for years.I notice that my efforts are getting some results, I get a few comments and turn a few heads. I'm not going to turn into a man-eating tigress(not just yet), but I feel much better.

I've got two daughters and a son. I don't want my daughters to grow up with the idea that you hit 40 something, have reached the end of your reproductive career and that's it, goodbye and thanks. They need to see me looking nice and bouncing back. And all three notice straight away when I put on mascara, perfume or wear a new item of clothing. They want mum in full war pâint and ready to do battle.
Like you say, the first steps in a new world for us.
NCU

I've just had a telephone call with my H - he texted and asked me to call. About the kids' homework - he'd left the youngest's schoolbag here by mistake. then he got on to money matters. It's complex, but basically, I'm shortly to get a rise in salary as I changed status in the teaching admin. About 350Euros (do your sums) extra a month. I was already earning more than he, now I'll be in a different league. And because of this, he wants me to foot all the child-related bills, leaving him with just food to buy when they're with him. I've always been completely open-handed (I've no materialistic streak), and he's wanting to take advantage. I surprised myself by getting angry and putting my foot down. I probably surprised him too. I did pay the lion's share of bills when we lived together, but considered what was mine was his. He, on the other hand, was always a bit "territorial". He's sick with the idea that he's thrown out the salary with the wife, poor dear. I din't insult him, but said "sh**, they're your children and you must go halves on expenses". Then I ended the conversation and said I'd do my sums and get back to him. I don't want to appear stingy, but he's unreasonable. Car loan payments and insurance for HIS car are going out of my account every month, I want him to refund me and he says "But I use the car to transport the children". He also uses it to transport himself (and OW?)!

Hate getting angry, but it feels good.

Problem: his mother was very angry with him this morning, told him he was ruining our lives, etc. I wasn't there, she told me after. He didn't listen to her and literally ran off rather than face her.

where to next? Advice please. I don't want this to turn into a war.
NCU

NCU,

As you know by now I am no expert in this DBing stuff, but I think it is time to consult with a L. I am no legal expert, but they will know the laws in your country. Again. your H is controlling all of the action.

My 1st marriage my W made more money than me, but she is the custodial parent so I pay child support, plus a third for medical, social clubs (Boy scout dues), etc . You are the custodial parent so he will have to pay child support plus additional expenses....get a lawyer!!!!!

Hurtinhartford

I realize you're right. I have just never wanted to do anything that would push us towards divorce. However, that means he's got me over a barrel. I just feel he's confused and under influence (definitely) and it's early days to be starting D procedures. A little over 4 months ago, he was still saying he loved me, acting loving. I'm nearly certain SHE is pulling strings in the shadows here; he's normally not a man to let himself be controlled and manoevred like that (or maybe that's how I should have been acting in the past?). He's only just discovering how difficult it is to live on his own, strike out on his own with an average salary. But I realize I'll have to get legal advice some day soon.

On the communication level, I avoid seeing or talking to him. I text him if there's a problem with the kids, and have stopped answering his texts unless necessary (kids), stopped wishing "goodnight" or "nice day".And lo and behold, he texted me this aft with some needless info and "have a good lesson". I didn't answer. On the net, before finding DB, I found some videos and promotional material for a "book" called "the magic of making up" by some fellow from Arkansas, TW something-or-other. The accent and all... He cheered me up, but he talks about "mental judo", and how people want what they can't have. To his mind, when your other half walks away, you should nearly pat them on the back and say that you agree, that you want your freedom too, then have no contact with them. His methods seem a little extreme and are more military strategy than Michele's approach, but there's something in there. Whenever I pull back really, out of sheer frustration and exasperation, and wonder what in the world I ever saw in this selfish, unstable individual, I seem to get something right, even if it's only a microscopic movement. He came round at lunch today and wanted to know (from kids) where I was, what I was doing. They filled him in, I hadn't given him any info. To my face, he never asks me a thing. The less he sees or hears from me, the more he's curious and communicative. At this rate, he'll be on his knees begging my forgiveness just when I won't want him anymore... I can dream.


Do you think you'll reach a point when you'll say "to hell with this for a game, I give up."?I feel fairly badly about reading all the DB techniques and yet feeling ready at times to throw in the towel.But now, we're in Limbo, married yet single, on hold.

About your W, did you finally decide not to send a card or mail on her birthday? Any news of her?

Good luck anyway.
NCU

NCU,

I feel too that it is too early to start D procedures. I still have emails in fact June 25th where she asking "when I will be home because she couldn't wait to kiss me and hug me and that she loved me so very much!" In fact I am to the point that if my W wants the D she will have to proceed. I am getting frustrated with limbo or the lack of action.

I sent the email yesterday after much debate on my part and with other posters weighing in an both sides. Although, it is counter to me letting her go I thought it was only right to acknowledge her birthday. I added a little humor and told her that I spent the night baking her a cupcake, but couldn't get it through the email.

I am doing my GAL and posted pictures on my Facebook account in the hopes that she is checking it out...who knows. I know she still has all of my emails that I have sent and recently updated her internet dating site with proper English so I don't think that there is a significant OM yet.

They keep saying GAL GAL GAL!!! detach detach detach and I know it is the right thing to do. We have to prepare as though they will no longer be in our lives. However, with my W and no NC going on 10 weeks now my mind as an engineer is to investigate WHY!

Letting go was the best thing I ever did for MYSELF.

I regained my confidence, my sense of humor, my sense of self.

It doesn't always come easy, and it comes easier for some people than others.

Some things I did in the order I did them:

1. I quit drinking altogether because it wasn't helping my self-control.

2. Began a regular fitness rountine.

3. Prayed for Strength & Clarity and accepted that any action or inaction on my part was solely my own responsibility. (this was a dark time).

5. Began to notice what was good about my life. I began listing 10 things a day that I was grateful for in my life each and every day. After a while, I couldn't do much without noticing something I was grateful for having in my life.

5. Began planning and doing things that I wanted to do on my own or with friends and family.


Then I just knew I was going to have a fantastic life no matter what challenges I had to face. I actually gave thanks for the difficult times because it taught me to appreciate so much and drove me to examine my life and make meaningful changes.

TH,

Thanks again. I really do appreciate the fact that you have taken me under wing. I know I need to stop asking why things are as they are and work towards a better future. As PH said yesterday in so many words I need to get my head on straight when and if my W starts moving. I need to act and react with clarity and not shear emotion if I want any chance to DB.