Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? WAH and LBW separated and dark

they turned out quite well. i think. it's the first time i've made cheesecake. so when the recipe says bake it until the center just sets, i have no clue what that means. usually you stick a toothpick in and if it comes out clean, then you're good. with a cheesecake, i don't think it's supposed to come out clean. we'll see ..


i don't feel empowered yet. more like disappointed in myself.


it's hard to forgive myself for the problems that i brought on. the more i look in the mirror, the more things i found that *i* did wrong. when will that end? it doesn't. it's like one mistake after another.

journaling ..

ugh. the weekend was long and exhausting. i had much to think about on saturday night. it kept me up until sunday morning. i had an intense counselling session and it taught me a lot about myself. i have homework. i have yet to do it. i'm still feeling the effects of the lack of sleep caused by the ic session.

i played three hours of squash the other night - hardly any breaks. i'm pretty sore. i'm trying not to play so hard but these days, we are short on players so i end up playing everyone from strong male players to even strong junior players - back to back games.

other than squash, i cleaned, baked, and reviewed my spending habits from the last few months. i am meeting with my financial advisor next week so i will need to have all of this ready for my meeting.

i'm still doing work. it's pretty intense. i know it will get worse before it gets better. hope breeds desire. desire is driven by passion.

"Find your passion and follow it. And if there is anything that I have learned in life, you will not find that passion in things. And you will not find that passion in money."

"Your passion must come from the things that fuel you from the inside. That passion will be grounded in people. It will be grounded in the relationships you have with people and what they think of you when your time comes."

Very, very normal to be "down" on yourself. Just one more hurdle.

You have to forgive yourself first. How tough you are on yourself at this point will be telling.

Who do you want to be??

honestly? i'm not quite sure.

i'm pretty happy with who i am. what i stand for. those things don't change. my heart is in the right place and it doesn't stray. i'm human, i make mistakes.

it is very difficult to do my homework assignment because i am unable to turn this frown into a smile. for days, i have not been able to smile. can't even fake it.

there is so much to think about. my head is not in the right place this week. i am going to make myself scarce for a while.

maybe i need to do something different. meditation?

This will not do (Quoting the Judge in Pink Floyd's, "The Wall").

Just kidding

Want to do something different?

Every day for the next 4 weeks, make a list of 10 things that you are grateful for That's 280 things.

Up to it?

day 1.
10 things i am grateful for:

6 healthy and happy nieces & nephews
4 siblings
2 parents

hmm .. that's 12. oops.

(i "hate" you TH - you know that my weakness is to not back down from a mental challenge! :/)

"10 things i am grateful for:

6 healthy and happy nieces & nephews
4 siblings
2 parents

hmm .. that's 12. oops."

But from an outside perspective.. you only listed one thing.

Family.

You have some catching up to do.

Oops.

i didn't think TH would come back and hold me to that challenge anyway. besides, i was getting "retarded". gasp .. a smiley?

280 things to be grateful for? TH posted that challenge on another thread and gave them 2 weeks. why am i doing this for 4 weeks?

fine.

family - they have been very supportive of me.
friends - just like family. tried to keep me from falling into the toilet bowl
forrest/lauraoh - for putting up with me and my weakness for the toilet bowl. and most important, for teaching me a thing or two about people, life, and hope.
randy pausch - for inspiring me.
my coworker - who feeds me because i'm too thin.
my health - oh this rests on my shoulders. i am responsible for this.
my job - for keeping me busy and distracted.
the squash club - saved my life.
my l - for not gouging me and looking out for my best interest.
my home - it has given me some direction, helped me move on, and it's all mine.

it was tough coming up with a list of 10 things. the max i could come up with was 8. the last two took some brain power.

"it was tough coming up with a list of 10 things. the max i could come up with was 8. the last two took some brain power."

See.. I only "see" 2 things on your list so far.

#1.. Is Family.

#2.. Is Life.

What is next?

By the way.. you suck at this game.

The way you "see" it.. you have met the goal.

The way I "see" it.. is you are way behind.

You focus too much.. on the here and now.

Your "Emotions" lead you.

I know you are smarter than that.

I know you can do better.

Congratulations to you for recognizing this. I think you are showing really remarkable growth.

Cheesecake muffins sound fabulous too!

Hang in there. I know you are going to come through this experience a better woman, regardless of how it turns out with your H.

how do you manage to only see two things? to me, they are all different.

at least i didn't say i'm grateful for dryer sheets. :P

hmm .. maybe i'm confusing grateful with 'thankful'.


i know.


i didn't see it really as a challenge. more like "fine, i'll do it just to get through it".


i feel like i've fallen behind. how did that happen? i was doing so well before.


i thought i wasn't doing enough of this before. and it made me the 'h' in the relationship.

i am afraid to look into the future. because i see me alone, living alone, moving forward alone. can i do it? of course. is that how i want the rest of my life to be?

he may want to be alone for the rest of his life. not me. i need companionship. maybe nobody wants my companionship.


i know i can do better.

i am grateful for the theme song to the "Greatest American Hero". i was listening to it in the car and it brought a smile to my face.

i never watched the show at all and i don't know how i came across this song but it's quirky and that makes me smile.

i'll try to do better next time.