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lauraoh .. get thee to a doctor!
i understand the anxiety you must be feeling. please take care of yourself. in the end, they are just things. YOU are more important than the golf clubs or watches.

i'm pissed for this happening to you. but take care of you. i agree with kat. it's a lesson to be learned. my h was the same way. he started taking things and hiding stuff. it was a childish game. i was utterly disappointed in his behaviour. greed does crazy things to a person. it isn't pretty.

stay strong. we can't lose you on these boards or on my thread. hugs.

Thanks Kat, sadly, it is coming to my attention this has been going on for a while.

My dad has not been "right" and going downhill for the past 3 years or so. It never occured to me to even think that she may have changed the will in that timeframe!!

She told me she would get me a copy of the will (because I want to show my S and have it known what my dad's intentions were REGARDLESS of what she ends up doing. My dad loved us and ADORED his only grandson.) I will be looking for the date!

My H talks badly about my family all the time--this is just another dig for him to convince my S that my family (and I) are greedy and crazy. Great.

So it's just wonderful that she is doing what she is doing--basically taking away any proof that my dad cared about my S, which he did.

When I went up and confronted her yesterday she backed down a bit and has offered to give my S the last set of golfclubs that belonged to my dad (she has sold the others). He has always had a love of golf and this is an expensive set. Plus he is the one that taught my S to golf. (and if she had been smart, she would have not sold all the others and kept an inexpensive set to give me!)

At first she wanted to keep them "for guests" but I got out my checkbook and asked her what amount of money she needed for that set so that my S would have something nice from his grandfather.

And she backed right down---Oh, no, you can have them, etc. Then she said my S could have anything that was in my dad's den--there are sports pictures signed by athletes, etc. And a closet full of golf stuff that my S used to go in and stare at for hours.

My friends are sceptical that she will keep her word. I tried to take this stuff yesterday but she wants it all displayed for the reception and got very upset that "now is not the time". ugh.

Meanwhile her family is coming in with some very shady characters in it that are probably bringing empty suitcases. I am sickened over this. They will be staying for a week, then my sister and I can come and get my dad's things.

If there IS any bright spot that MAY come out of it, it is the lesson that it is teaching my H and I how to protect our S if we remarry. But love being blind, not 100% sure that the lesson will stick with my H...

My friends have come through for me AGAIN in the most amazing ways! I am in shock at how many have offered to come with me to the funeral, even though it is an hour away. I've said it over and over again, but I need another lifetime to make up to them for all their kindness. I feel stupid telling them over and over again how much I love them but the fact is--I do.

Hey D4ML, you must have gotten this in before I typed up mine--thanks SO MUCH. I am not going anywhere, I am not going to lose sight of WHO I WANT TO BE gosh darn it!!

Unfortunately I have used my H as our "doctor" as he took care of the sniffles, etc, for years. I am scared to tell him about this, as he may try to use it against me. ALL I need to do is tell him I'm on some sort of anti depressant and he will be ALL over that.

What I am going to try to do is exercise more--I haven't been keeping it up at ALL and I think this is my downfall. So I will be doing my tapes, taking a nice long walk (the weather! it's GORGEOUS!!), do some praying, and see if that doesn't help.

I don't even know how to go into a dr's office and ask for this stuff from a totally strange Dr. I guess if it gets to that point, I will have to do that!

I have to read my favorite book again--Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. How he saw in the concentration camps the absolute worst cases of human greed and selfishness, and then he saw people who kept their dignity and stayed true to who THEY wanted to be under the worst possible circumstances. People who would rather die than stoop to these levels. And how they were the "heroes" in the end.

When you have nothing, you still have everything--your ability to choose who you want to be.

I got a sympathy card from my in-laws yesterday. I asked H to thank them for the card, and he said "you can call them" and again I am struck by how he wants me to speak to them I think.

I have debated speaking to them over and over and over. Communication has broken down over the months of course and I guess they think I've said some ugly things, which, I just see how this stuff escalates and things come out all kinds of "wrong". You don't have the same ability to reach them the way you did before, and of course my H is filling their minds with the worst of the worst.

But they are good people generally and I have missed them. I would like to think they can speak to me, and visa versa. My H says things like "call them" and "they don't hate you", etc.

I almost think he is wanting me to. I have had that feeling over and over again...

Only thing right now, I just feel so sad. I will wait and see if it gets better this afternoon.

Meanwhile, it is such a beautiful day out. I got to walk the dogs and have done something nice for a new friend of mine that I have figured out is a "gifts girl".lol. (that is her LL). That is LAST on my list so I know almost nothing about what "gifts" people are like. I am so practical that buying things like teddy bears is just weird (that is what she gave me) but it was so sweet of her and this is the second gift she's given--other being a gorgeous cross necklace that I LOVE.

See, too, I am so "out of it" when it comes to the people that have gifts high on their LL that I don't know if this is something you do quite regularly--am I already "behind" because I just have never given her anything??

How often to the gift people want to receive gifts from their friends I guess is what I'm asking.

I think when you get the feeling to do something for them. Maybe you should help her figure out your LL. I always try to think of something that would have meaning to that person.

Just a real simple example: My boys love XBox games. I got them the one they have been salivating for, for their birthdays.(They are 3 days apart and both wanted it. They can play it together).

D11 is into this new fad of crazy bands or silly bandz (whatever they are called) so I just got her a package for the heck of it and surprised her. As long as it is from the heart, they will know.

I get the in-law thing too. My MIL and I had a falling out. I apologised, she didn't. My FIL I guess never told her I apologized. Really it ended up better that way as I didn't have to worry about all of their emotions too. They are reaching out to you during this difficult time. I would say it would be good to reach back.

hugs, kat

I've done some work on this so I might be able to help. It's not necessarily about gifts in the sense of grand gifts. It's more about small items that show you know them and are thinking about them. For instance, a book you know THEY would like, not that you would like them to read because you like it. Of course, on special occasions the gift might have to be grander, but even then it's not about saying "I love you" about $150 worth. It really is the thought. (Note: not with children, though. It's all about the gift. )

If you are out and see someone's favorite candy, etc., the fact that you knew their favorite candy, thought about them when you saw it, and took the time to purchase it and bring it to them is meaningful. So, it's not that they are materialistic. If they are, the gift thing is not about love for them.

i'm so not a gifts person either!

first of all, it is NOT the value of the gift that matters. don't ever think that an expensive gift is the best gift. if that's what the receiver thinks, then you should rethink whether you want this person as a friend. but i digress ..

how i tend to approach gift giving and frequency of gifts ..

i try to remember something about my last conversation with that person. if that person likes to bake, i might make some cookies and bring some over in a fancy gift box with ribbon. looks are everything. lol.

if that person isn't allergic to flowers, a bunch of fresh flowers always makes a girl happy. it brightens up someone's house. and flowers can be inexpensive.

i think for a gifts person, the message behind the gift is important. it's not about buying a random gift and giving it to that person. i think the gifts person is more touched by the thought behind the gift. the fact that you listened and you remembered something about them .. it creates that connection. that's the goal behind giving the gift.

then you can say .. hey, i remember when we last spoke, you mentioned that your living room needed a makeover. i thought maybe these flowers would help brighten up your living space.

when you put it that way .. it shows that despite what you are going through, you were listening to them. you are thinking of them and it's genuine. everyone knows you're going through a tough time right now and you still think of others.

frequency .. i'd say maybe once every few weeks. depending on how close you are with the other person.

i don't bake all the time for my co-workers. but i'll bring in random snacks to share. i have been baking a lot for my family. it's my way of thanking them for their support. it's been tough on them. my thoughts behind my baked goods is that my sister is going back to school and so are my nieces .. so it'd be nice to have something for them to pack in their lunches. i don't explicitly say "thanks for supporting me through this tough time" .. when i say that, i'm drawing attention to ME and my sitch. i want this moment to be about them for a change .. my sister going back to do her masters - it's huge! i'm going to make it about her. my nieces are starting 3rd and 4th grade .. i'm going to make it about them.

that's the D4MIL philosphy on gift giving. hope this helps.

Ok, that was very helpful, and slightly intimidating!!

I do try to make things "thoughtful" to anyone--it's almost paralyzing at times trying to find the "right thing" for everyone.

But it's the "wrapping" that gets to me--so I can't put it in the walmart bag and hand it over??lol.

I will have to invest in some nice gift bags and bows and string and stuff.

And good to know it doesn't have to be too expensive!!

"Ok, that was very helpful, and slightly intimidating!!"

It was also a dead on description of the Gifts LL.

I always say that for a gifts person.. it needs to be "heartfelt".

You don't even have to spend money on the gift if you are creative enough.

"i try to remember something about my last conversation with that person."

Again.. really solid insight there!

Aren't we both lucky to have such great kids?!! 15 is hopeful going to be an incredible years for them both.

kat