Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

If you really, really want attention (good or bad) you could just undress.

In or out of the circle, TH?

Puppy

So if I follow your logic... You're saying that by her moving out, asking for a D, etc, she's just asking for attention from me? (obviously all subconscious)

I guess that makes sense. She's been stepping "inside" the M for years asking for change and never got the attention.

I don't think you have to step in or out if you're going to undress. I'm a think-outside-of-the-box kind of guy. I know I can't be the only one who thought of this

I think she's asking for a divorce. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, John.

Right now, she wants a divorce. When are you going to get that?

I was thinking just now, you know - I don't really have it that bad.

My W
- still says ILY.
- said the other day there was a small amount of hope.
- said that in a perfect world we'd be happy together.
- She is still wearing her ring.
- She is going to Retouvialle with me
- She says she can't move back home because she doesn't trust me/the changes will stick.
- She gives me hugs everytime she sees me and those crappy kisses on the side of the mouth.
- She gave me a kiss on the lips yesterday, first time in a week.
- She commits to MC, but only for "learning how to co-parent"

Despite all this crap, whether she is controlling me or not, I think I've got a better than average shot at busting this if I can stay on plan. That's encouraging. I've heard lots of times from other LBS that they wish they were in my position.

There's still a lot of love left in us for each other. That means a ton. When I'm feeling down and depressed from now on, I just need to remember that this is all going to be alright.

No, I get that. I don't argue that is what she wants. I've accepted that. That's her only option right now. She sees no other viable path.

It's up to me to give that path some light if possible.

She sat in MC the other day and said she didn't want a D, but it was the only thing she could see right now because she couldn't trust the changes to stick and she'd need more evidence.

I think just because I have hope doesn't mean I'm in denial.

I am not telling you to give up hope, but take a realistic look at how things stand:

If you loved your wife, would you have an affair?

That's a pretty big hurdle for you and her to get over. If she comes back without addressing her issues, and you don't address yours, how do you know you won't wind up back here even if you do reconcile?

You need to be just a little tougher (and by tough, I don't mean be a jerk, I mean know you will be OK).

As much as you pat yourself on the back about having it good, if she comes back and never begins to really respect you, well... I'd rather be on my own, personally.

You need that respect, and she needs real love. The question is can you two get to a place where you both have what you need?

I agree. There would be boundaries. I've been here unfortunately long enough to understand which boundaries would need to be in place.

One those would be IC and MC for her. She needs it as much as I do.

One of my biggest fears is ending back up here in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years. I don't want to do this again. I don't think she does either, and hence her hesitancy to work on the M.