Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Is the man I used to know re-emerging?

Hi GAG,

Following along...you are right it helps to write it all down, I'm not known for short posts either. Journaling seems to help to unload it from my head.



2 weeks is nothing in MLC, give him time

Mila, thanks for the reminder and thanks for stopping by. I wish that H/XH had had some kind of an emotional response to dropping the bomb, S, and D, like your H finally showed.....but he never did in my presence.

Over the last month or so I've seen evidence of just how much mind-reading XH does and it made me wonder about how many times during our R that H/XH added additional meaning to something I said. For example, In a July convo I told XH I was planning to go see the movie "Salt" the next day (just stating fact) and XH said "Maybe I'll go with you". This struck me as a bit odd since we had just started to do a few things together at that time, he didn't ask if I would like company, and assumed that I was going alone. The way he responded seemed like he thought I was inviting him to the movie........He's pretty smooth in social situations, but this struck me as an awkward teenager thing to do......

Journaling..........
So I think that I may have figured out why XH has been pulling away recently. He and BMF may be reconnecting. (For those of you tuning in late, BMF of 30 years is a narcissist and blocks intimacy in all of XH's Rs with women.) Tonight I'm REALLY annoyed with XH. He doesn't know that but I'm venting here, after praying about it earlier this evening.

Got a friendly e-mail from XH today that said "Going to the fair this afternoon/evening…with BMF! We haven't spoken eyeball to eyeball in 3.5 months. We have agreed to meet and chat about our differences…..hope that goes well."...........I'm angry for two reasons: (1) BMF is a VERY bad influence on XH. XH started reconnecting with me ONLY after he and BMF split in May, and (2) XH never once tried to "chat about OUR differences" before he steamrolled me into a D. It hurts......... and makes me think that XH will never understand that a M or other committed R can't work with a 3rd party in the middle. Makes me feel like I'm wasting my time standing for someone who looks like he may never "get" it. ................Think it's time to go dim for my sanity. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. Am I overreacting?? If I am, please tell me.

Went to visit X-MIL tonight since she was discharged from hospital yesterday. Sent photo I took during visit to XH, like I always do (trying to act normal). Just got text reply from XH: "Hi from the Fair! BTW....all of your pics now come upside down......Is your phone held correctly??? Hi to mom!!!!"........sounds happy, so my guess is that he and BMF patched things up.

If anyone has a different perspective on what I've written, PLEASE chime in. I'm just tired of taking the high road throughout all of this. I'm tired and emotional right now. Maybe things will look different in the morning.

Thanks.

Badattitudegirl (BAG)

Hi GAG, I feel your frustration


GAG you feel what you feel, it's not overreacting....but I think that you started to have expectations and as you know that's a big no no in MLC land. For whatever reason he is back in his cave....could be due to his reconnecting with his BMF or could be just part of MLC....you know they peek out....and back they go again.

On the subject of your H's BMF....I don't see him as a 3rd party in the middle. He is just his friend, he may be a bad influence....but he still just a guy friend. The relationship with you is of a different nature, I don't think a guy friend could replace you.

Find your balance again GAG, If you find it by going dim....then by all means....

Tomorrow is another day, things always look better in the morning. Thinking of you.


(((hugs)))

GAG,

Continue to live your life. If going dim helps you, then do it. Like Mila said, have no expectations.

Do with just you in mind. If your XH's BMF could truly influence the Rs your XH has with you or anyone else, would you really want him back right now? Your R would always be at risk with the BMF around.

GAG, detach and stand back as a silent observer. It sounds like your XH needs to figure out what the BMF's motives are on his own.

If your XH ever makes another comment about an upside down pic that you took. tell him to turn his phone upside down and the pic will be right side up. How about this 180? Go visit your former MIL, take her pic for yourself and keep it. Don't even bother telling your XH you visited. Make him wonder and ask YOU about it.

(((Hugs)))

Hey GAG,
Must be something in the air atm as I'm feeling what you're feeling. If you can manage dim for a few days he may just initiate an invitation. D has invited H to dinner tomorrow night. She wants me to go too but I've said I won't unless H suggests it. i strongly doubt he will.

Take care GAG.

Cas

HI GAG

Just chiming in quick during a short break from work.

I know you don't like your xH's BMF but I know that if your xH feels that it bothers you that won't be good...just keep venting about it to us!

Whether he is friends with this guy or not, your H still needs to "get it" as you said.

Going dim sounds good!!

Gotta go!

Thanks to everyone for letting me vent here. I was in a bad place yesterday evening. ...........Got up this morning and took myself down to the corner patisserie to buy a nice big cappuccino and fresh-baked scone (don't normally do that, so it was a TREAT!), got my car washed (driving GF to theater tomorrow), bought my precious kitty some treats (she loves me no matter what), downloaded "Wicked" album on my iPod, and came here. Feeling human again, so thank you, thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart for being so kind and encouraging. ........Yesterday was cold and October-like (30 degree temp drop within a few days) with gray clouds that look like it could snow any minute. All day I was aware that I was moving into the 3rd fall/winter without H/XH. In these parts when the temps are very cold in winter, it takes a lot more effort to socialize. I miss hibernating with H......I guess the weather reminder combined with XH's email put me over the edge.

In the light of day I see that I am jumping to conclusions a bit re: what type of R XH and his BMF may be re-establishing. I will go dim and let XH reveal info about what is happening in his R with BMF. One little trick I've learned from Daniel Amen's CDs that seems to work with XH (because XH has problems with rigid/controlling thought patterns because of the chaos in his childhood) is to say something nice about BMF (e.g. "I would imagine that BMF would be happy to visit your mom when you go out of town on business" or "I'm sure BMF would list your mother's home for sale at a discounted commission because you've been friends for so long"). When I make generous comments about BMF to XH, XH tends to tell me what he really thinks. In the past I've thought that if the words come out HIS own mouth he is more likely to internalize their meaning.


Mila, you are right. Thank you for this reminder. It is possible that XH may see BMF with new eyes after 3.5 months apart. Don't know. Time will tell. I wasn't fond of BMF before but BMF's X-GF has told me even more things about him that make me distrust him (e.g. in the past he has posted on websites looking for married women to have sex with, he likes to listen outside the bedroom door when his sons have $ex with their GFs). I realize there is bad blood between BMF and X-GF and she may be exaggerating.... .....however, at one point last year BMF viewed and saved an anonymous online profile I had in which I was looking for folks to bicycle with. I figured out it was him (photo) and googled the internet using his online name (he didn't know it was me). Up popped postings of his from at least 6 different websites, including one where he was advertising to get and give massages to total strangers. BLECHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


I will think about ways in which I am different. This will be a good exercise not just for my R with XH, but to help me work through this issue before any future Rs. In the past I always thought it was a sign that a man was mentally healthy if he had male friends, but this experience has made me wary. I will take a much closer look next time. BMF has a lot of attributes that XH's alcoholic mother has/had. I am not a psychologist but I think that BMF is a proxy for XH's mother so that XH can continue trying to 'fix' a problem he was not able to 'fix' in childhood.


Seeking, this is exactly what I have been thinking. You are so level-headed and wise, it helps me to know that I am reasonable in questioning these things.

SA, I LIKE this!


This is what I used to do when I went dim after the D. I agree that it is time to do this again.....Thanks for the suggestion.


CW, my biggest frustration with this whole thing is that I had hoped XH was maturing and beginning to see BMF for who he is. .........but I will try not to rush to judgement on this.

Cas, I responded on your thread. Thanks for your encouragement!

.........and thanks again to everyone for letting me vent here.

GAG

These sound like such wonderful 'pick me ups' GAG. You deserve these often!! We need to allow ourselves these treats. Isn't it amazing how wonderful it feels just to drive a sparkling clean car?



Yep, XH's BMF certainly sounds creepy! However, don't forget that XH has had a falling out with BMF. Perhaps he really has seen him for what he is. Since the two have had a falling out I'm sure XH would have been aware of some of his faults and cast some blame on him (as all MLCers naturally would!) The renewal of this friendship may be with some uncertainty or even some limitations. Time will have changed them both in some ways. You can't know what XH is thinking about BMF without discussing it and for now I guess there's not much chance of this type of a discussion.

As I said before, going dim may help. XH has been reaching out and the signs are good. I've just finished reading Upside's thread and if that's the level of patience required then this is just the beginning!! However, remember Dia's thread too and her H had an ow but he kept slowly moving back to Dia, with a few step backs, slides and twists. Once he saw the light he followed it.

You have been an amazing person throughout all of this and your personal integrity has shone through. Whatever happens you know you are giving this R the best possible chance of reconnection.

GAG, hope that you feel better today....have a nice relaxing weekend

Ok listen Missy! I am challenging you back (I'd bring the quote from my thread to yours but I don't know how! ) I expect a full report on Monday of all the fun things you did this weekend! Let's see who can have the MOST fun!!!!

Seriously...hope things start looking up soon!!!