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Good Lord Wonka - you are right! I was using the word relationship and it is the furthest thing from it! What was I thinking?

Learning not to share EVERYTHING with my H is my hardest problem. I have always told him everything as he was my bestfriend. But he didn't share everything with me - did he?

Sometimes I feel like I am walking down the street all alone when I used to feel like I was walking with him holding my hand.

Lance - I will have to read that book.

I know, I know, I know - But when he wants to talk to me how do I know when it will be okay to finally talk to him? How do I recognize the "time" when he is starting to come back?

TAMF,

The LL book may help with that.
Remember actions not words.

Beleive none of what they say and 50% of what they do!

You can talk to him all you want but believing anything he says is a whole different story.
Now after I say that the best strategy (if I dare call it that) is to detach/NC/dark/dim.
It keeps you out of his line of fire, and protects you.
It also has the added benefit of helping him to look within rather than external sources for his problems.
At this time it may push him closer to the OW which will help to blow up that relationship(like you call it).

TAM,

Yes it is a very difficult path for you now that H is in MLC and flitting around Fantasy Island with the OW. Which is why we urge you to curtail in sharing details about your life with H. He is not your "best friend" at the moment. Treat him as you would a work colleague...on a need to know basis.

I recall when my XW would go off on her own or not share details with me during my MLC...it annoyed me and certainly piqued my curiosity as to what she was up to. Something for you to ponder over in your corner.

Wonka -

Thank you so much for your advice. I look forward to things that you write because you have been there done that. I left my cell phone at home today and it has been kind of nice - no contact no communication.

He DOES NOT LIKE IT when I don't talk to him. He tells me that he needs me to talk to him. He is going through a really tramatic family situation right now with his mom. He found out that his mom had A on his dad...and the lies that have manifested in the family are just now coming to a head. He says that he needs me right now for this situation, because I know everything and can help.

Of course he also tells me that he talks to the OW about the situation because it is another point of view. She is someone he can talk to.

You are right, I should just concentrate on detachment and his brothers and sisters can help him through this...for me this family crisis will only add and complicate his own MLC! He is really really lost right now.

TAMF,

Since our situations are similar, I thought I'd chime in on how I try to handle things. As everyone else said, keep your thoughts to yourself. AVOID R TALK. If he needs to talk to you about his personal issues, keep the conversations focused on him. Not on what YOU would do, not what YOU think about it, but just listen to him. If he ASKS your opinion, then be honest but brief. He doesn't want you as his wife so don't meet his needs as his wife. Be respectful, courteous, kind etc, but he is NOT your confidante right now.

If my H had asked about how an IC appt went, my response would be "good". If he asks more, I may say an additional "it helps me think". But still brief. Then I may end up saying something to get the conversation off of me. But honestly, that rarely happens since my H doesn't ever ask in depth questions like that.

Trying to disentangle ourselves from our H is tricky since they seem to have let go, and yet are still attached. Concentrate on you and keep your thoughts to yourself. As long as OW is in the picture, he's still firmly in replay.

TAMF--you ask how you will know when it is finally time to talk to him. I'd have to echo the excellent advice you already received. When it's finally time, you'll know because he will actually be listening to what you say, and remembering it--it will feel as though he is genuinely present once again.

HOWEVER, for the longest time, even when he's ready to hear you, you will only need to talk about his situation. He may feel safe enough to tell you all sorts of stuff that's going on in his head--oblivious to how bad some of it may make you feel--but he will not be ready to hear anything about your pain, feelings, etc. He will need to be a lot more integrated before he is able to see beyond his own little world. So keep working on your detachment!

I don't think this is healthy for you, to continue to communicate with him at this deeper, intimate level. If it were me, I would tell him that "I'm sorry, we will always be friendly with each other, but you are leaning on me emotionally in the way that a committed husband leans upon his wife, and you chose to not have that kind of relationship with me anymore. Take these up with your affair girlfriend. I'm not trying to be rude here, I'm really not, but these kinds of conversations just don't work for me anymore."

I like the "this isn't working for me" construction -- you can use it a lot.

Your husband has made a choice, TAMF -- a very destructive choice. By continuing to be his confidante, you are enabling his bad behavior, in my opinion.

Puppy

TAMF

I agree 100% with Puppy.

I understand that HE needs some support - hell we all do. IMO you can offer him support by leaving him alone. Let HIM deal with this issue.

By continuing to be his shoulder to cry on you are NOT allowing him to feel his pain. Not allowing him to be an adult.

God BLess,
Eric

TAM

You will hear me say this alot but I believe the LBS has to determine their own tolerance level for communication.

And believe me it will ebb and flow as you go through this.

Your pain will guide you in the right direction.

In this case I agree with Pup. If you let yourself listen to all his emotional outpouring right now I think you become attached more when you need to detach more.

Nothing wrong with setting boundaries to protect yourself and this might be a good one.

I also like the way Puppy phrased it. You are not punishing H it is for you and your emotional health.

Just be prepared for the backlash. He may say something like "I knew I couldn't count on you" or something equally guilt ridden.

YOU MUST NOT BEND TO THIS

Once you set the boundary remember what it is for

YOU

Not good or bad reaction from H.

If you do not enforce the boundary then you are a paper tiger. He will not respect your boundaries.