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I would change that to say


I also want you to know that I take accountability for my part in our relationship not being what it should be. However, I don't take blame for infidelity - this is all his.


You may also want to add a comment about NOT wanting infidelity and the seedy lifestyle that comes with it around your children... Paints HIM and OW out as a creep while making you look like mature mother hen...

Hey guys - Here is an amazing article written by Michele Weiner-Davis.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell (Your Family)

Your marriage is on the rocks. Your husband is emotionally unavailable and you strongly suspect he is having an affair. Your wife never wants to have sex. You are so miserable about your home life, you can't even concentrate at work. You're so desperate; divorce starts looking like a reasonable option. But you're just not sure what to do. So, you turn to your friends and family for a shoulder to lean on. You tell them about the problems in your marriage and how your spouse just doesn't understand you or your needs. You share the many ways in which your spouse is selfish, insensitive, deceitful, and controlling and how he or she is completely unwilling to change. Support and empathy is what you're after and you talk about your predicament to any friend or family member with a sympathetic ear. The advice you get feels right, "I can't believe your husband treats you that way. You shouldn't put up with it," or "Your wife doesn't deserve you. You are so good to her and she is so self-absorbed." Vindicated and bolstered, you leave these conversations feeling better. You're right, your spouse is wrong. And that's all good.

Weeks turn into months or years and nothing changes in your marriage. With each passing day, you grow increasingly unhappy. Now, your marital beefs become your daily mantra; you've looped your loved ones in on the on-going saga of a marriage gone wrong. Soon, they start wondering, "What did that jerk do to you today,?" Eventually, you're being urged to cut your losses and get out of your marriage. Your friends and family can't stand to see you hurt any longer. They want you to get on with your life. "Enough is enough," they say, and start offering suggestions about divorce attorneys. And as you're about to see, while it may feel comforting to know that there are people who love, support and understand you, relying on family and friends in this way can easily backfire.

For starters, when you discuss your marital issues with close friends and family, they hear only your side of the story, which by definition, is incomplete and skewed. But this doesn't stop your loved ones from diagnosing your spouse as the problem. Their loyalty to you blinds them from seeing or understanding the context in which the marital problems have developed over time. They fail to recognize how maybe, just maybe, your actions may have triggered your spouse to behave in undesirable ways. That's because YOU might be unaware of your own contribution to your relationship struggles as well. It's often hard to see the forest for the trees.

But beside the fact that your cronies may be shortsighted and biased in terms of your perspective on things, there is an even more problematic twist when it comes to turning to loved ones for support during marital strife. And here it is. YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE. If your spouse starts being kinder, more considerate, loving, involved, sexier, communicative...and so on, you're encouraged and can't wait to share your good news with your inner circle. But when you do, lo and behold, they're not impressed. They're not happy, far from it. They're skeptical or filled with contempt. They tell you "Can't you see that he's just trying to manipulate you?" "She's on her best behavior, but it won't last." "Once a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar." "You've been wanting to get out of your marriage and now you are being brainwashed to stay." They're frustrated and angry because you've leaned on them and basked in their emotional support, and now, you want to stay married and work things out!! It's simply unacceptable.

So, you try to explain that things are different now. You give examples of all the thoughtful things your spouse is doing to show s/he cares. But they won't budge. You just don't understand why they're so stubbornly clinging to their negative views of your mate. Why aren't they happy for you that your marriage has turned a corner? Why don't they see the changes in your spouse? And if they really loved you, regardless of what they think about your spouse, shouldn't they just want you to be happy- even if they don't agree with your decisions?

This week in my practice I was deeply saddened by a situation much like the ones I have described above. A couple married for 10 years with two young children sought my help. The wife has been desperately unhappy because her husband, a workaholic, has been emotionally distant, uninvolved with the children, critical and demeaning. Because of her unhappiness, she spent extended periods of time with her parents and siblings who live out of town. Her husband felt neglected, lonely and unappreciated. Rather than discuss their feelings openly and honestly, they argued and retreated to separate quarters. Their relationship, rather than intimate partners, seemed more like toddlers engaging in parallel play.

To satisfy a deep void from within, the husband turned to sex outside the marriage- lots of it. He found himself in a web of sexually compulsive behavior. His wife, though emotionally detached, sensed something was not right and began sleuth work to entrap him. She solicited help from computer-savvy relatives and within a short period of time, got all the information she needed to make a decision about her marriage. She's wanted out. Her siblings cheered her on and the once adored husband, brother and son-in-law got slapped with the scarlet letter and was ostracized from a family he dearly loves.

The wife sought legal advice and announced her intentions to divorce her husband. He was crushed and begged her to come for a two-day intensive with me. As is often the case with these challenging but productive intensives, this couple decided to tackle the issues that led them astray and recommit to working on their marriage rather than to divorce. Though well aware that the road to recovery would be fraught with challenges and hard work, nonetheless, a feeling of optimism was palpable in my office.

Until they got home, that is.

Upon hearing the news of possible reconciliation, this woman's family was livid, outraged. Her brothers and sisters have vacillated between refusing to talk to her and non-stop harassing telephone calls. As weeks passed, in spite of the impressive, heartfelt, and profoundly life-transforming work these two individuals have been doing on themselves and their marriage, her family hasn't been swayed. As if her dealing with complicated and painful marital issues and the detailed disclosure about his sexually compulsive behavior weren't enough. Now, this.

Although I'm hopeful her family will eventually come around, my heart hurt for them when, through their tears, they told me about her family's reaction to her decision to try to work things out. But I was not surprised. I've seen this dynamic many times.

So, here's some advice.

If you are someone considering divorce, it's reasonable to assume that you will want to discuss your situation with people closest to you- good friends and relatives. Understand that when you do, they will naturally take your side. The more information you share about your spouse's "wrongdoings," the more your friends and family will object to his or her presence in your life. If you sense that your loved ones are becoming biased, it's wise to limit complaints about your marriage and consult with a therapist instead. (Make sure you hire a marriage-friendly therapist.) Don't expect your family to be able to readily switch gears about your spouse's potential to change just because you have. They may just need more time. And whatever you do, while they catch up to you, don't allow their pessimism to thwart your marriage-saving plans. As David Ben-Gurion once said, "Anyone who doesn't believe in miracles is not a realist."

Thank you, Virginia, for your attempt at getting this forum back to DB principles.

I hope you will continue to monitor this forum and offer suggestions/advice that are consistent with DBing. People here are hurting, and their children are hurting too. I will even go as far as to say that the cheating spouse must be hurting in some way, as well. Creating animosity certainly seems counterproductive to healing a family. Furthermore, giving children information/details is downright harmful and abusive.

I hope that this article will give many folks lots to think about. I also hope that they will see that disagreeing with "commando exposure" is not the same as condoning an affair.

Thanks Virginia,

I know that our first reaction upon finding out that there is an affair going on is to get back at our spouse.
We are angry and hurt and feel humiliated.
Our dreams are shot to hell and life as we knew it changes forever.
But our marriages can be saved if we are at least willing to try to work at it.
Unfortunately we can't control our spouses behavior, but we can definately control our own.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Thanks again for posting,
BND

I guess I'm confused as to why my post provoked this? Was my letter mean and vindictive? I ask myself every day if what I'm doing is out of spite or to make things better eventually. If it's the former - I don't do it.

As for Virginia's post. I appreciate what's in the article and tell friends and family over and over that I'm trying to save this marriage even though some of this seems counterintuitive. There may be a few that would think I was crazy for getting back with him but most people say things like "you are a better woman than me" Everyone understands that my love for my H is unconditional, I'm just not okay with being a doormat.

I'm not involving my child. I'm making healthy decisions for him and his relationship with his father. That part I take absolute offense to. The rest I'm wondering what provoked a first time intervention from Virginia.

Not challenging, just curious. I like to hear all sides out.

Well said LH.. I am not fond of censorship either, which is what this thread was starting to taste like...

Wow - what happened to my thread?

I have told close friends and family about H's affair, not for the intention of making them choose sides, but so they understand the issues (including my own responsbility in the decline of our marriage) and so they understand that I am not giving up. To be upfront and honest with the people I care most about seemed the right thing to do so that I would have some support as I work through this.

Should H and I reconcile, I do not know what position our friends and family will take, but I would hope, as my friends, they would accept my decision to return to the marriage and support that as they support me now.

My children are in no way involved in this. They are far too young to understand the complications of this relationship as it is now. My main focus is to protect them and foster a wonderful relationship with them as a single parent.

I am slowly but surely living my life for me - doing the things I want and need to do and trying to detach from H so I can see clearly and make the best decisions for me and my kids. I still want my marriage. I still love my H. But if things don't work out, I'll be OK.

The side you are after is "fideltiy"... You aren't asking them to enter a war with your husband. You jsut want them to agree that infidelity is harming the family and you want them to invite him to stop.

Side with the marriage rather than with its covert disolution by an interloper... plain and simple