Welcome to the world of MLC. You are exactly right. The rules aren't fair and you just have to deal with it. You are not allowed to ask questions but the reverse is allowed.
Only when you allow it. There's nothing wrong with setting a boundary, like a couple of the ones suggested. In my experience, this is best done early on, but it really can be done at any time with an "I have decided that _______ " statement:
"I have decided that I'm no longer willing to be pried about my personal life. These are details I would have willingly shared with you as a committed couple, but as long as you've invited a third person into the marriage, I'm no longer accountable to you about my whereabouts. Now, PLEASE DON'T ASK ME AGAIN."
Just read The Shack by William Young. Holy cow did this book get me thinking. There is a line in the Forward that says, "Mack has been married to Nan for just more than thirty-three mostly happy years. He says she saved his life and paid a high price to do it. For some reason, beyond understanding, she seems to love him now more than ever, even though I get the sense that he hurt her something fierce in teh early years. I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."
I was so moved by this simple paragraph - it is EXACTLY the way I feel.
I loved this book - I have bookmarked several pages that I keep going back to for inspiration. Made me feel really good that I keep loving my husband even though he has hurt me and continues to do so. That I am not crazy for loving him the way I do. It is also the way God loves us. unconditionally.
Just a nice thought to start the week...
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I'm reading this book right now ... and I too am marking many quotes.
One that really stands out to me ...
P. 127
"You cannot produce trust just like you cannot 'do' humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me."
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I have bookmarked that exact same quote! I also like page 121:
"do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"
"It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear."
I know that I personally struggle with this. I hate my current "present", love my "past" before the MLC and struggle with my fear of the "future".
I need to learn to enjoy my "present" and not fear my "future" as much as I do.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I was always supportive of my husband applying for better postitions within the company. I was the one who put his resume and cover letter together! My position at my work is very public. I am on the radio and TV all the time. I know that his friends and co-workers comment on it all the time, saying things like "how the hell did you get a woman like that?" they are just kidding with him but I think it wore down on him. He told my Board President that he couldn't compete with my job. I of course found this out 1 day before the bomb dropped - so I wasn't able to do anything about it.
Even though my H doesn't really like his job, he makes really good money and therefore can't find another job that would pay like this one.
I told him right off when this whole situation busted loose in July that no job is worth my marriage! I would quit in 2 seconds if I knew it would get him back...but it wouldn't and then I wouldn't be financially stable on my own. This is who I am and what I have worked really hard to become. But I told him that I would change my priorities! I have to for my girls anyway now that he has moved out.
I was really good today! DETACHMENT!!! He came over today to see the girls and when he got there I smiled and said that I had to go hike. He was surprised...said,"are you going with someone?" I just pretended like i didn't hear him and kissed the girls goodbye. Waved to him and smiled and said bye.
All that sounds so good - for you. Allow your H to be in control of his own life. By being such a doer for your H it actually emasculates him. Come up with a comeback line to those people who rub it in to your H what a great catch you are. The guy has no self esteem left! Does anyone compliment him?
I never found creating mystery to help in my sitch, it just made my H angrier about anything he wanted to be angry about.
Do you know your H's LL?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I went to my counselor yesterday (she is great by the way), I told her that I did some major soul searching on Monday night. I kept asking myself WHY I was so terrified of letting him go. I came to the realization that IF we do go our separate ways and we divorce I am terrified that I won't be able to love him anymore. I mean who loves their XH? Don't get me wrong, I know people who tolorate their X and "get along" for the kids, but who really loves thier X? After talking with my Counselor, I know that I don't have to be like anyone else. I can still love him and go on with my life. We can be friends - real friends - not just for the kids.
This has seemed to lift the pressure I have been carrying around my shoulders like a coat. I feel light - almost good. Don't get me wrong, I am still standing for my marriage! now I can do so without so much panic.
Right after my appt. with my counselor, my H sent me a text that said, "can I ask you something?"
I called and he started the conversation with "don't get mad or angry, I just have a question." first thought, great what now? I said "sure". He then asks me if I knew that someone called the OW's workplace and was telling them about what she has done. He knew it wasn't me, but wondered if I knew.
I told him that I had no idea what he was talking about. (I really don't). He siad that he didn't think that I did, but wanted to make sure. He just can't understand why everyone can't leave it alone - just stay out of it. I said,"I am telling you this, not as a jealous wife, but just as a fact. The two of you will ALWAYS have this in your relationship. ALWAYS. People will not let you forget and this will be a part of your relationship forever. She cheated on her husband and you cheated on your wife - this will always be there.
He didn't comment really - didn't get defensive or anything. We started talking about my counselor appt. I told him flat out what I had discovered internally about loving him. And he said that was good and that he will always love me. I am the mother of his children (I hate that line by the way). He has my initials tatooed on his ring finger as his wedding ring, and he said that he will NEVER have it removed.
I did tell him that our relationship would change - as time passes we wouldn't talk to each other like we do now. As other relationships happen and grow we would talk to each other less and less. He asked why. I said that its just the way it happens.
He seemed to not want to get off the phone with me - hesitation. but I ended the conversation.
Rollercoaster ride!
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
I told him that I had no idea what he was talking about. (I really don't). He siad that he didn't think that I did, but wanted to make sure. He just can't understand why everyone can't leave it alone - just stay out of it. I said,"I am telling you this, not as a jealous wife, but just as a fact. The two of you will ALWAYS have this in your relationship. ALWAYS. People will not let you forget and this will be a part of your relationship forever. She cheated on her husband and you cheated on your wife - this will always be there.
Why call this a "relationship"??! It is an affair...plain and simple. Call a spade a spade. Don't legtimitze their affair. Marriage is relationship/partnership.
Quote:
He seemed to not want to get off the phone with me - hesitation. but I ended the conversation.
Good job on ending the convo first. I would caution you about oversharing details of your personal life with H. This gives the appearance that you approve and are settled in with H's affair with OW.
LL = Love Languages from the book "The Five Love Langauges" by Gary Chapman. You can add it to your list of things to do along with all the homework that cadet gave you.
As far as the conversation with your WH, I hope it made you feel better because it is not going to do anything as far as moving you closer together, or scaring him out of his crisis. That is not going to work. If anything it will push him further away.
Please try to detach from him and limit your contact.
It is an affair...plain and simple. Call a spade a spade. Don't legtimitze their affair. Marriage is relationship/partnership.