Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Letting Go and setting them free

I see that as line as a YES but she would have to change. In my mind I am not even there yet. It's all theoretical as i don't think it will happen but my most truthful answer is i don't know.

If she made a lot of changes we still cant turn back the clock. I do really want her back or I wouldn't be here but dont know if I would be willing to open myself up again which would probably prevent that.

I had a good life before her, with her and I will have a fun life after her. Life is too short to spend a lengthy part of it holding on to someone who doesn't want to be with you.

Again i am not as optimistic as Puppy but who knows. I cant live my life around what she will do. Right now i dont really care if she's happy, sad or angry. I only care how me and the kids are.

Khudoo,

I could feel your anguish as I read your post. The places my W and I frequently visited I no longer go there due to the many memories. Detaching and in my case forced detachment has been the most gut wrenching experience that I have ever had.

I have been told that there is no timeline for DBing and that a breakthrough could happen at any moment so I will not comment on taking OW on vacation. I do agree that you can only detach totally when feelings for your S are gone.

I plan to continue DB'ing for a while or until I feel that it is fruitless to continue. I believe if you truly value yourself and are truly detached you will realize that there is someone else out there who will value you as well and want to be with you.

That's because they got one hell of a head start and control.

Hurtin,
I guess that was my point here. There is a lot of talk her about detaching, dropping the rope, setting them free. I think these are just external things but it is what you feel inside that really sets you free.

In my case there is absolutely no unnecessary contact, no snooping and no saying things for the sake of pacifying her. She was / is with OM. i am willing or prepared to be with OW but I still don't feel detached.

She thinks I'm detached, I think she is detached but we only know whats on our own minds and I know i think about her a lot more than i like to.

I am only trying to detach cause I am sure that the M is done and to protect myself. No Db tactics and no real thinking this will bring her back. That's why I don't mind taking OW on vacation and don't really care if she finds out.

so even if she approached me what is she going to say "I cant believe you took that OW on our vacation" LOL

Both she and I need to know that I am moving on.

Thanks for that tidbit. It's ringing true to me. I only wish the internal could be free of this pain.

Dropping the rope and detaching are external things at first. But you have to start somewhere and in most cases the "somewhere" needs to be tangible.

If you were trapped in a burning house and your body was engulfed in flames you would not be wondering how to treat the burns and what he recovery time will be. You will be wondering how the hell to GET OUT. Once you are out then you focus on the recovery.

Dropping the rope gets you out of the burning building. Once you are out it's a long road to recovery. You can only recover from the fire once it's extinguished.

Depends on how resilient you really are.

70% of the people who survive genocide, their whole families slaughtered and worse, are back to being happy and functional within 6 months, and most of them are OK within 2 years.

1.5% will not let go of the pain, bad memories, and so on.

So it depends on if you really let go, start to look forward and make your own plans, take time to enjoy life and count your blessings, and so on.

The longer you hold onto the pain instead of just accepting things and learning from them, the longer it takes.

I disagree.

There are factors that impede recovery that are out of our control. Physical health being a big one. My disease spun out of control during my situation in large part due to the stress I was under. I am very resilient and am still recovering. Sometimes people do let go and look forward and think about plans but nothing can be executed until the mind and body is recovered and sometimes that is not complete in a 6-24 month time frame.

One can source any statistic to back up a blanket statement.

TH,

If you truly let go, drop the rope, etc and you are totally free of your spouse then why would I even consider taking them back? There will so much baggage from the past that will need to exercised in order to have a healthy M, i.e my A and her WAW with no communication.

Source: Columbia University.

The program there undertook the only methodical study ever conducted into just how and how long people really grieve. They conducted tracking studies of Kosovar genocide survivors, 9/11 survivors, and so on. It apparently never occured to people in the field of Psychology to do this before the 1990s.

You can disagree all you like, but most folks don't take that long, and sometimes all it takes is shifting your perspective to finally move on.

The Other Side of Sadness