Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW left on Independence Day and not communicating

2x4... lumber... applied to the side of your head when you do a pinheaded maneuver.

Actually if you go to the survivinginfidelity.com website, you'll see a number of couples that have healed using techniques similar to DB.

Right now it seems like you've spent alot of time going dark, GAL, etc. But the core reason she left was because she didn't trust you. Did you ever go to the C to talk about the EA and how you can get your W to trust you again? That's what seems to be the core issue.

Or as I learned elsewhere on this board today, two of them applied to your feet can be waterboarding in redneck country.

First - that is not detaching and makes no sense - she has no contact with you. You can "feel" that way but "treating" needs the other person to be present.

Second - when she does present herself, that's the last thing you want to do.

MrBond,

I am going to an IC now to work on those isses as well as to an MC. I cannot get my W to go to C to discuss it...I cannot event get her to talk to me. I did send her an apology for hurting her in regard to the A then told her that I wanted her to be happy so I was letting her go.

pookie

I agree. If I ever speak with her I don't plan to treat her as though she never existed that is degrading. I will follow the lead of the vets and acknowledge her feelings and stand firm if she speaks out of line and not confrontational. Treating her as though she never existed was a poor choice of phrase...I meant as though she was deceased, but that sounds bad.

MrBond,

I have not spent a lot of time going Dark...my W has. But I have sent probably 8 yo 9 emails not begging or anything, but to agree with her leaving, telling her that I was not angry with her, letting her #1, Hello how are you doing, Open invite to have coffee, let her know about a Dr's appointment, apology and letting go. I have not spoken about R, M or D. Her b-day is Friday and I thought about an simple email, but after advice from her I decided not to.

NCU

I have had one class so far. I was nervous, but again I wanted something to get me out of my comfort zone, spark some energy and support my job. Congratulations on your weight loss as well. It really does effect your confidence and now I really feel good about myself.

HIH,

IMO I think it's okay to acknowledge her birthday. If you don't it's going to be a repeat of what pushed her away in the first place. When you had your EA she felt that she couldn't trust you. All it would do is do more of the same. In what way can you show her "compassion" and understanding. And I'm not talking about constantly agreeing to what she says. You have to really seem like you understand her. If and when you talk, ask her questions, keep things light at first like a friend would.

Your W seems like she's still trying to sort things out in her head and needed you out of the picture because she was never given the tools to cope with conflict in a healthy way.

If she didn't tell you that your EA still bothered her even after 2 years, she isn't going to talk to a C. Maybe ask your C what you can do to re-establish trust with her and then when the opportunity presents itself, do it.

Right now it sounds like you're still trying to control the sitch and aren't sure if you're committed to fixing this M. You say how you want to save the M, then you mention how you have nothing to tie you down to move on. Did you ever think that maybe your W gets that vibe off of you? I mean that attitude is what made her leave in the first place. She felt that you felt she was replaceable. That's a huge fear to overcome for someone like her.

So maybe just be polite and acknowledge her b-day (she is your W after all), and not "expect" anything in return.

If you're not committed to re-establish the trust with your W and dedicate the many days/months whatever to it, then you might as well file right now and move on.

pookie,

Isn't waterboarding when they take a terrorist have him lie head down on a board, place a towel over his head and pour water on it. Suppose to simulate drowning ;-)