Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW left on Independence Day and not communicating

A correction on my earlier post:

I didn't "feel" I would be intruding. I thought that I would be intruding. I "felt rejected", so I thought it was better not to intrude.

I do contact my STBXW (and vice versa) sometimes now, however, but it is without expectations, and I respect both her right to make her own decissions and my right to make my own decissions, and it just isn't motivated by any desire to change her mind.

Thinking Out Loud

I am reading all of the recent posts and see the same theme of A exposure of the WAS. I am sure that my WAW is dating since she has been on the dating site for so long, but I was going to wait until communication opened up (if ever) to teat the temperature before I went that route. Right now all I am doing is LRT and 180's when I do initiate communication.

At times I feel like I am pi$$ing in the wind and this is all for naught. I hurt my W with my A so why wouldn't my W have her OM now. Then part of me says that we had a good M and if wasn't for me and my paranoia we would still have a strong M.

I am reading a lot of posts with broken hearts the last two days and very few successful DB stories. I guess A or not it depends on the attitudes and transformations of both WAS and LBS and if both can get out of the fog and forgive the transgressions of the other.

I know my WAW did not forgive me for my A 2 years ago. I was too much of a (DA) to apologize (wishing it away) and my W internalized the hurt. Thus, this is where I find myself. The statement about "verify if there is OP (EA/PA) because there almost always is" is also a common theme. As I am sure the reason for the EA/PA was that the WAS did not feel fullfilled by the R. My WAW was tired of me controlling her (and I did), but the main reason and deal breaker for her was my A.

I feel like I am detaching a bit, because right now if my W has OM I really don't care. I know that I have a history with her and bonds that OM does not have. By working on GAL and becoming a better man I can only improve myself and that is all I can ask for in this sitch.

If I ever do communicate with my W and I will one way or another she will see my transformation and if it is meant to be then great! Of course I realize that the old M has been thrown out with the dish water and we will have to work extremely hard to grow and nourish a new M. However, if not, then I am set to have the best R and M with someone else in my future because I have grown a pair since July 4th!

Just rambling......

Yes. Maybe it is. Maybe not, but maybe yes. Getting attached to the outcome is not what you want. The idea of DBing is to improve yourself for you, not for your spouse. You're not detaching at all and you're still trying to control her emotions.

Even if she comes back to you (which at the moment it looks there's a long way to that) your control issues will drive her away again. This is where you need to work on yourself. Not trying to analyze the situation over and over again, trying to justify yourself. She internalized hurt because you were so controlling that she was afraid to show it. So stop trying to get a reaction you want out of her and let her live her life. You don't have control over whether she comes back to you or not. You can only better yourself in hopes that she will and you're not doing it.

ris,

You are right about my W internalizing the hurt. I am not trying to get a reation from her, but I am trying to detach and it is difficult.

Hurtinhartford,

Hope you're ok. Like ris just said, you're ruminating on the "outcome" you want. I know because I'm doing exactly the same thing. I've just read over what I've posted from scratch and I'm always trying to understand "why" and "how" the past could have happened, feeling massively guilty and wondering how to turn my H's head around.

What we need to do, perhaps, is see things from their point of view. What did they (WAS) get out of leaving home and cutting us out? Why haven't they taken legal steps if it's so cut and dried?
What makes them feel they've a safety net?

I'll find it hard to do this, but I try to view things from my H's perspective. I'm there to mind kids and hold the fort. My feelings are secured to him, so no worries.By being away he's free of what got to him about me, free to live the single life as married life doesn't suit just now. Free from guilt also, as I remind him of broken trust and lots of lies.He's not taken any official steps because it's too expensive/ he's not sure if he's really ready/he's waiting to see if the OW will measure up.

On the principle that people want what they can't have/no longer have, personally I'd better start moving outwards and upping my social life, getting that university post I dreamed of but gave up so's not to be so far away from him(what an eejit!), writing that book and getting into the newspaper as the latest literary discovery... I can dream.

So with your wife, the situation is different. But maybe if you ask yourself what she has to gain from staying married to you, yet leaving you high and dry, not contacting you. What "comfort" does that bring her? How can you shake that comfort or make coming back more comfortable?

Also, you're worried she's having dates. You had an affair yourself. Why did that happen? was it because you needed to feel seductive and felt available to SO else, or because you were disappointed with your wife/wanted to punish her/were jealous of her/wanted to make her jealous?

I've been wondering why my H had an affair. Lots of reasons, the first of which was to check he could still do it for the (younger, newer, les predictable)ladies. Because he was vulnerable and met your woman. Because (??) I was succeeding after a return to university and set to earn much more than he does per month (?). I'm not sure about that, but a kind of macho jealousy could be at stake. When I'd set out to take the course and sit the exam, he was all for it, more money, better prospects etc. When I started showing signs of actually succeeding, he was in your woman's arms like a shot.

So she (your wife) mightn't be falling in love with some other fellow, there are tons of reasons she could be dating.

All this is very far from working on ourselves, to hell with them. I'm trying to fit that into my head. But it's hard because it means imagining that my H is no longer in my head, part of my scene.
Good luck.
NCU

If you told her you were letting her go, then be a man of your word and let her go. If you don't then you are proving that your word means nothing and you cannot be trusted.

Focus on yourself and make you the best hurtinhartford possible.

Hi NCU,

I know ris had an excellent point. I am doing things for the end result and not for myself. But I guess most of us start out that way and slowly transition (if our head is clear) into doing GAL for ourselves. I went rock climbing yesterday, my first time and loved it, but it is horrid on my manicure ;-)

In regard to my affair, as I look back there where several reasons why it happened. I suppose the primary reason was that I had low self esteem. I was overweight and recently overlooked for a promotion. The lady was attractive and I could tell that she was interested in me (She was my translator for two weeks). So the excitement of the challenge and something new that boosted my ego, which was saging hooribly. Also, I was traveling about 65% of the time and my W was studying for her nursing degree it seemed like 120% of her time. So we sort of drifted apart, but no marital problems then.

I suppose your H may have the same issue with you making more $$. Maybe his self esteem needs boosting, but now I am mind reading. I know my W's deal breaker was my A because that is when our marriage began to unravel. Mostly due to my paranoia.

I have already accepted the fact that my W is dating and have decided that it is not a deal breaker since I opened Pandoria's box. But then again I am not even at the steps of the chapel to even worry about that. I have been totally dark since I sent the email regarding her mail last Friday and I plan not to acknowledge her b-day. If she really wants me out of her life then I have to accept that plus it helps me with detaching.

pearlharbr

Thanks, and I agree. I finally accepted the fact that even a simple email b-day greeting is an intrusion. I am GAL'ing, but admit that it is for the end game. But I think many of us LBS's start out that way and slowly transition to GAL'ing for us. I realize that and will focu on GAL'ing for me to be a better me!

NCU,

Are you taking more personal time for yourself? I always wanted to write a book, but I am afraid that I don't have the patience or the time to do it. I have a coaching session this Thursday and an IC session next Tuesday. It is amazing how a 52kg woman has knocked down a 100kg man, but boy did she do it!!!

Suffice it to say that I totally know where you are coming from. You know what you need to do but it's so incredibly hard for any variety of reasons - you didn't know how she felt (she didn't communicate like she should have). Take a look at Michelle's book and reread the last resort technique on page 124+ - particularly page 127 with the listing of what you (we) need to stop. I was the case study on all that.
For what it's worth, I'm not sure that you are "there" yet. You will know when you've hit your rock-bottom. And, it would be no surprise that you didn't hit it (to ultimately make your turnaround) because this came to you as a surprise. So, keep re-reading her book and you will truly know it when you do. Just my two cents