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Well, since it appears I have the attention of a at least a few people...
I could really use some advice on another aspect. We work in the same hospital and most people there don't know. While we have both stopped wearing our rings, everyone still assumes we are together and he has no plans to tell anyone we aren't. I have had to tell even the person who comes to clean the house (obviously my things aren't there but he wanted to let them 'assume' whatever they want...) The cleaner is even entwined with the hospital as his parnter works there and is one of the biggest gossips. So, I told them, asking for privacy at this time as it has been hard enough for me to go back to work.
So... my question is, if he is so certain, why isn't he telling anyone? I think he is very ashamed. He is held in very high regard there. Do I tell people? How do I handle this? It pisses me off that he wants out but can't own up to it.

blpg,

so your living in to separate places, correct?

What's your intel of his where-abouts when he's not working?

It just seems so strange that he shows signs of guilt if there is no one else.

As for letting people know, if you feel they need to know then you can tell them. If someone asks and you don't want them to know then just be short.......me and H are working on some problems.



This can be a long process. It's been a year for me and I had to do all the work for the D to be a reality.

Yes, living in separate places.
Up until 7 weeks ago his where-abouts were always maddeningly the same- sitting on the couch staring at the TV with his laptop in his lap on Craig's List searching for more power tools. Certainly had plenty of chance to at least have an internet affair. Doesn't seem to be his style but, do I really know this person???
I can't tell you his where-abouts when no working now. He is frequently texting me and it seems to be about the same... It's been a very long time since I have seen him do anything he enjoys. He has had chronic neck/back pain and has been very depressed. Going to the gym has always been very important in his life. Since not being able to do that, he seems like a different person.
He says his feelings of guilt are because he can't honor the commitment we made to each other. He 'doesn't feel like a man'. He danced around it but on the tip of his tongue was the 'I care about you but I am not in love with you anymore'. He's so sorry etc. etc. then would stand/sit there hugging me crying that he can't 'try' our relationship anymore, he has tried everything already... I know how all that must sound, he found someone else. Maybe he has, I just don't know. I guess I should assume he is with someone else. As much as he does contact me, not sure when he is spending time with her...
Thanks again for your interest. I feel even more confused after being on this board. Some of the advice is the exact opposite of the coach.
On a positive note. I bought a motorcycle and am loving it! Place a check mark in the column of GAL and a hobby. He clearly is curious about this...

I can see how this could cause him depression.

What other ways can YOU make him feel like a man??
Beides the sex thing of course?

Men need to feel needed and have a purpose in life.

Make him feel needed. is there anything around your place that needs fixing??
If not break something and ask him to help you.

The advice here is sometimes contradicting from a coach's. Soak it all in and apply what will work.




good for you, you have sparked an interest. keep it up. gr8

Better yet. Buy a rose and leave it in a vase. After you break something and invite him to come and fix it run out the door the minute he starts fixing that something. "Gotta go. Thanks honey I really appreciate your help."

If he is having an A, it does make a difference. DBing with someone in an active EA/PA is more difficult than if one is not. His appearance means nothing...could be an internet or the infamous facebook EA. Depression is another interesting twist to things...

It will be hard to move forward if he is depressed and not seeking help and if all his thoughts and energy are going toward OW.

5LL is a great book, but keep that in your hip pocket for now...it is too early for that. He has to want that from you, and right now he doesn't. Right now he doesn't deserve that from you. You are wasting good ideas that could be useful in the future if he starts to come around...they aren't doing you any good right now.

You need to figure out what went wrong and how you become a better person from learning that and probably need to figure out if there is OW.

I agree. I see a lot of assuming aobut OW.

Thanks again for the responses. I truly appreciate any and all input.
Figuring out what went wrong and fixing it... this is where I feel my situation is tricky.
I am not sure how many of you have read my original post so I am going to sum it up:
I am in a residency training program. It is grueling (he is acutely aware of this and another reason he feels guilty for doing this to me now, in my last year of the program...) For those of you suggesting I let him see what it is like to live without me- to a large degree, he HAS been learning to live without me for 3 years. We have both had periods of telling the other how lonely we are, the lack of intimacy has been very obvious. He was the most recent to say how lonely he was. I know that when I told him that 2 years ago, I was in an EA- not admitting that to myself at the time.
We both struggled for the same thing, trying to be closer to one another.
I hear you in saying to put away the 5LL. I will do that. I have to say however, I have gotten a positive response from doing it. This is where this all gets so confusing... aren't I supposed to 'keep doing what is working'?
I like the rose idea BTW!!
I skipped replying to his last e-mail/text, they are becoming more frequent. He just sent another about a medical topic I had asked him long ago. He clearly spent some time researching it and citing references so I could find it. It was something I had asked him about months ago and now he decides to answer...

I hope I am doing the right thing...
I thanked him via e-mail for the info, hoped his projects were coming along well for him and wished him good luck (casual neighbor sort of way). He wrote back details of what he has finished and not etc. He also told me he would bring the air mattress for me in his car tomorrow so he can give it to me at work (asked him to borrow it since I have family coming to visit next week). Wrote back, told him good job on his accomplishments and that he didn't need to bring the mattress. That instead, since I don't need it until next week, I would pick it up myself as I need to start getting the rest of my stuff from the house... dead silence since then... no more e-mails from him tonight.

I think he has felt very neglected for a long time. I am worried about using the LRT on him.

I gotta tell you all, after thinking about it all day... I really don't feel there is OW. Obviously I can't be sure, will continue to look for evidence. But, if I am honest and not just trying to think maybe you all know him better than me (as I contemplate his possible alien abduction) it would be incredibly out of his character... giving up on our marriage is less out of character as he thought about it/spoke of it in Feb, just didn't realize how serious he was...

And gutwrenching, pookie69, re: figuring out what went wrong and how I can become a better person...
Full steam ahead there. I have had a really tough time with intimacy... difficult for me to get close with people on a long term basis. I have found a therapist to help me with this and she has been incredible. Didn't realize how much I was protecting myself even in my own marriage. No wonder he felt lonely. He knows I am seeing her/working on this. He asked who it was I was seeing re: therapy etc. I did not put it out there... let him do the investigating.
Even if he never gives our marriage a second chance, I will be a whole lot stronger after this experience.