Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers On two ends of the world..

It sounds like you're doing okay so far. The distance may be working in your favor.

The core of DB'ing as I understand it, is:

Be the best Ris you can be. Do what works. Stop doing what doesn't.

Back off a bit. Don't send him any emails or texts for a while and see what happens. Once he's had a chance to miss you, you may find him seeking you out. Let him.

Do you have any insight into what caused the change in his behavior once he went overseas? Is it possible there is someone else?

I try to back off a bit, but we do talk every day. I'm conflicted here a bit because one of our problems is that I don't open myself and I don't initiate conversation on important topics and we often "fluff-talk" avoiding serious issues.

So I make a distinction and let myself write him emails when I do have something pertinent to say on a R topic but I don't initiate chit-chats. I know that I shouldn't initiate R conversations, but lack of them is where our problem is so I feel that this rule doesn't apply. I stay away from the topic of my move to where he is which is the topic that causes the most conflict.

I really don't think there is someone else. I think it's more that he was sort of avoiding the realization of us living together and finally it was about to happen and that caused a knee jerk reaction. It seems to have been an issue from the start, but we just kept on sweeping it under the rug.

Now, I still can't get to the bottom of why living together is such a sore issue. When I tried to ask him, he mentioned something about it being a final realization that he's in a relationship and feeling trapped (and it all led to him not being sexually attracted to me anymore). He hasn't stayed in one place for more than a few months in the last 2+ years so I doubt that he found someone else. And I know that it's going to sound naive, but he's a very honorable person to his core. It would take for him to break one of his main principles to do that so I know it wouldn't come lightly. I know anyone can cheat, but it's just very unlikely being a person he is.

We had a pretty deep conversation today about dream jobs, dream careers, just reflecting on things. It was a really good feeling to share my opinion and be listened to (which was somewhat lacking before - H complained I didn't share my thoughts, but when I tried he didn't listen and then he wouldn't share because I didn't... vicious circle). My only fear is that we'll run out topics to share on! Isn't that a legitimate worry?

He had a very bad day at work and said he didn't want to talk about it but wanted a hug. So I sent him an internet "hug" and he spilled a little, I validated. I think it went pretty well. He mentioned "when you come here" again. He's the one who needs to sort out the paperwork for that cause I did what I needed already so I'm leaving this subject alone completely.

At the end of conversation, when he was going to sleep, he actually said "Love you".

Now how do I continue? I'm going to keep up GAL, which is much needed in general and not only gives me something to do, but gives him reassurance that he won't have to "entertain me" when I finally move there. Once I finally lay my hands on the book, I want to work on more 180s, see what things I'm doing are not good for our marriage and try to do something about them.

Definitely keeping up with trying to be more open and share more, but I'm really concerned that I don't drop the ball here. I've made this attempt before and it was good at the very start but then I stopped and just didn't continue. How do I make sure not to fall back into old ways???

Also need advice about the not initiating contact, should I still be reserved? No pursuing at all?

What you're doing right now seems to be working. Keep it up for now. Let him come to you. Keep things light.

Just breathe.

You're doing fine.

Both Friday and today we have talked and had a great conversation. I have been opening up and talking about deeper subjects than just regular chit chat and H listened and was responsive. It felt great to see him being genuinely interested in what I was saying and sharing his thoughts too. It's so amazing to see us connecting again! Today he said ILY

I feel we're doing great but I don't want to assume and I would like at some point ask him whether he thinks we are working on our problem(s) or if there is still something left out that needs to be addressed. But no R talk, no asking if he sees the changes, right? So what do I do about it?

That is fantastic! Keep doing exactly what's working. Nothing more nothing less!

Today on a slightly different note. I mentioned in my original post that my H told me he wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. It wasn't just something he said in the heat of the moment during an argument, he mentioned it a few times and when I asked him more about it, it turned out to have started about 3 months ago. He still thinks I am very attractive, but just doesn't feel like having sex with me. He actually refused sexy pictures of me that I sent him one time, said he's seen pictures of me before and not to waste time with it.

This is an issue I am really worried about. With all other things, like our communication issues, I know that it's something that I know we can work on, it might not be the easiest thing but I know it can be done. But what about him not being attracted to me? There is literally nothing I can do there.

Today I got a glimmer of hope but at the same time I'm just scared. We talked in the morning and I mentioned going shopping with one of my girlfriends. He jokingly asked if I was going to buy lingerie (I love buying lingerie and he knows it). I said I didn't know and he said that it means yes and that I will have to show him what I get. He was being flirty, I kept it very light but positive. I said I needed to start getting ready and then he mentioned we'll need to get me a new webcam because he'd like to see me getting ready but the one I have is not very good. I again made a joke and we said bye.

So it all sounded good, but I am so completely unsure what to do about all this now?? I want this to turn out good but when he starts being flirty I feel like a deer in headlights, I'm terrified to mess it up. I don't know what to do to make him attracted to me again. I'm scared that something will go wrong and he'll just say "Oh, forget it. It's not working".

PLEASE HELP!

Not much today. We talked, H was down because of some stuff at work and felt bad about himself (low esteem issues). I think I did pretty good trying to validate him, tried to reassure him too. It didn't make him super happy, but I hope a bit better at least. I tell myself that there are miles to go on this road and we (I) only made a few little steps so it's hard to expect results now.

My attraction problem is still where it was and I have no idea what to do! I felt almost relieved that he didn't go back to the subject, but it will eventually come up again. It's not that I don't want it to come up, it has to so that we can move past the problem but I feel so insecure about it.

Ris, I'm glad things are going better and that you guys are able to talk! On the attraction issue, I'm not sure. You said he's attracted to you but just doesn't feel like having sex? Could it maybe be more of the depression talking?

Not exactly, he said that he thinks I'm physically attractive (=pretty. Which I am, quite honestly) but he doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. "The spark isn't there anymore". We actually did have sex even after he started feeling that way (I didn't know about the problem at the time) but later when we talked he explained that "he still has needs and I just happened to be a willing participant". He didn't specifically want me, he just wanted to have sex and I happened to be there.

He also said that the sex became very boring to him and after thinking about it I agreed. I am not very open in this department and to me, the long distance - being together for a few days, then apart again - made it even more difficult to have open communication about it. He then says I can't blame everything on being apart. But to me it creates a problem and I think we can't move forward in sex like this, we're stuck in the same point, so of course it's boring... But how do we make it better now, still being apart?