What do I do is she has no interest in making it work?
She has said that she is finished with me and is moving on with her life, I'm so confued by everything, I feel my world is falling around my feet, I'm to blame and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
What do I do is she has no interest in making it work?
Then you decide what YOU want. How you want to live. If you want to keep beating a dead horse, hanging onto someone who doesn't want to be held.
I hear the desperation in your post. It's normal to feel that way. All you can do is tell you want to be make it work and will do anything to make it work. If she doesn't want to, then that is her choice and you have to accept that.
It's repulsive to pretty much everyone, including your wife and that's what you're doing now regardless if you know it or admit it.
What you should be doing: - go to work, get your mind off her, I know it's difficult to but you have to do it - after work, go home, spend time with your kids (don't worry about spending time with her) - if you want to cook meals for your kids, go ahead and do it, if she complains, tell her very simply "I don't need your permission to make a meal for myself and for my kids, stop analyzing everything I'm doing." - start going to the gym when you can and just get out of the house away from her and get some personal time for you, this time is specifically for YOU, not to make her feel less pressured because you're around the house and any other nonsense like that, start investing time in you - go out and do some shopping, get some new jeans, shirts, fresh kicks (sneakers), get yourself a haircut, some new style, start tanning to help improve your mood and alleviate any depression - start taking multi-vitamins, vitamin b supplements, iron, clean up your diet, maybe replace one of your meals everyday with a protein shake: clean up your insides while you're polishing up your external look - working out, eating healthier, etc. should provide you more energy to cope with this situation
After a few weeks of this routine, you should be looking & feeling better. Then you sit your wife down and tell her
"...look I get it, you don't want to be with me anymore, we've gone through this song & dance before and I'm seriously sick of it myself. I've been doing a lot of thinking and this isn't something I want anymore, I'm tired of the fighting and I don't know how I feel about you anymore. I'm not moving out of this home because this is where I want to be, and I'm going to be sleeping in the master bedroom so you should start moving your stuff out of the bedroom as well. I also think you should move out since you wanted out so badly, it will reduce the arguing and tense feelings we have walking around each other when we're home at the same time right now. If necessary I can help you pack your things and help you move out to your new place. I will pursue shared custody of the kids, 50/50, I don't plan on being a weekend dad anytime soon, we will work out a schedule that works out for both of us. I will be civil with you with regards to the kids and leave it at that, I don't require anything else from you and you will not require anything else from me. I hope you can find a new place relatively quickly to expedite this process, no sense in being somewhere you don't want to be."
And that's it.
You carry on with your daily business and you let her do whatever she wants to do and you let her go.
Seriously, the quickest way to get her back is to let her go.
No amount of a$$ kissing, supplicating her with taking on the lion's share of the household chores, working fulltime, moving out, giving her the master bedroom, taking a verbal beating from her every time you walk through a room a disturb the air around her, buying her gifts, dinners, taking her out, offering to take her out will help you. When people try too hard in these situations, they fail even harder and it's hard to recover from that because you feel like you deserve something after putting in all that effort and when you don't get it, you feel horrible.
That's it, that's your plan.
One other thing, I seriously don't want to hear how your situation is unique, how it's different from any other situations around here, because as much as you're "unique", you're also pretty damn similar to every other situation around here.
Heck your thread is similar titled to btm's thread. He is back here after "successfully" db'ing several years ago as well.
I'm pretty sure there is no OM involved, in fact I'm positve so that's not an issue.
The problem is me, I have made mistakes and I accept that, but I just want to put things right, maybe I have been too keen to put the wrongs right but who wouldn't.
I am still in the marital bed, she is in another room, and I am not chasing after her, I have backed off her totally, focused on me and the kids and all seemed ok, then I f**ked up last night, we had not spoke about "us" since last Monday, but obviously it came out again after she found out what I had done.
She is hurt, I know that, I just want to help her, but that's something I cannot do, I just need to think about me and the kids, but it's not easy!!!
I'm just quoting that now so that when you circle back to this a few months from now because you've been doing what you FEEL like doing instead of following the advice given to you, you will know that you were warned previously about this.
How many threads on this forum have posters who say those same words only to find out something different later on....
What do I do is she has no interest in making it work?
She has said that she is finished with me and is moving on with her life, I'm so confued by everything, I feel my world is falling around my feet, I'm to blame and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Yes I can live without her, but I don't want to?
You agree with her and let her go.
It really is the quickest way to get them back if there is a chance of that possibly happening, there are no guarantees in life.
However... continue doing what you're currently doing and I can guess what will continue happening in your situation.
If you tell a spouse that you want to work it out and remain married, go to MC and work on "finding the love again" when they are strongly opposed to these things and want out of the relationship badly, do you think you are agreeing with their feelings or disagreeing with them?
If you are disagreeing with their feelings, you are going against them and their feelings/emotions, you are fighting with them, you are pushing them away even farther.
I'm pretty sure there is no OM involved, in fact I'm positve so that's not an issue.
The problem is me, I have made mistakes and I accept that, but I just want to put things right, maybe I have been too keen to put the wrongs right but who wouldn't.
I am still in the marital bed, she is in another room, and I am not chasing after her, I have backed off her totally, focused on me and the kids and all seemed ok, then I f**ked up last night, we had not spoke about "us" since last Monday, but obviously it came out again after she found out what I had done.
She is hurt, I know that, I just want to help her, but that's something I cannot do, I just need to think about me and the kids, but it's not easy!!!
I'm just quoting that now so that when you circle back to this a few months from now because you've been doing what you FEEL like doing instead of following the advice given to you, you will know that you were warned previously about this.
How many threads on this forum have posters who say those same words only to find out something different later on....
I am one of these. Wasn't positive, but felt really sure that there wasn't. Reality is a B!tch.
Listen to Robx. It hurts like hell, but he's dead on.
We got back together after I started to change as a person, lost weight, got involved in various activities, and made her No1 in my life, but some how we have fell into the same old routine and she wants out.
She has told me I'm a loner, who does not interact, aggressive in the way I speak, don't do anything with her as a couple, I have mood swings, and she has had enough, I cannot argue with anything she has said, but I'm totally lost without her?
I know I have gone back over,I have no life other than home and work, we don't do anything as a couple anymore, after putting this right previously, she goes to the gym and has friends, whilst I'm happy just to be at home and it's not working.
Your W's complaints sounds like mine, just your W communicated them more effectively. Did you originally change because you wanted too? Or was it to get her back? Has to be for you.
I hate to say, but you and I are just not as exciting to our W's anymore. They are missing that attraction and if we don't grow with them as a couple or as an individual, we find ourselves here posting.
I'm not kidding when I say this, but if you have had any thought or intuition that there might be someone else (even a tiny weird action that you've seen that made you think)...Trust that internal alarm! She is more than likely eyeing another Man that HAS what she doesn't see in you.
The "appointments" at night is the red flag! These "friends" are not just women. I was in denial until I started to dig, unfortunately I was a little late.
Take this opportunity to follow Robx's advice NOW. There is no way this is going to get better until you change the dynamics.
