I hate to hogpile you when you're having such a rough time, but you're being played.
Originally Posted By: jammed
"she asked if I would hate her if she went and spent the weekend with a friend"
This is WAW code for, "I'd like to spend a few days with OP to see if I like being with him more than you."
If she's fully involved with OP, including ILY's, etc., then expect to get bombed when she gets back. Start preparing your responses now.
"WAW, you're right. This isn't working for me, either. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. If you are going to continue to contact OM, I think it's best that you leave."
Whatever happens tonight, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME OR BEDROOM.
Do not raise your voice, and do not beg or plead for her to stay and work on the marriage. Be strong and remain calm.
I found out a little over a week ago that my wife is having an EA that has been going on for about 4-5 months. It has slowly been transitioning to a PA. The night I found out we had a big blow up. I have already told her that if she wants to stay with me, she has to have no contact with the OP. We talked some more the next day, and I tried to convince her to stay and that our marriage and family was worth trying to save. She told me the OP has told her that they will suicide if she leaves them. Although it is hard for me to accept, I understand that she has feelings for this person and has to sort them out. She asked for a week to think without me pressuring her. I did my best to give her that week. She stayed at our house, but not our room.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here, jammed.
Your W basically is asking your permission to have an A. OP will kill them self if she leaves is her excuse/justification for having A. In reality, if W thought her lover was a danger to him/her self, W would probably do something to prevent that, i.e. stage intervention, call mental hospital, etc.
You haven't specified gender. Is W involved w/OM or OW?
Originally Posted By: jammed
Friday night, she asked if I would hate her if she went and spent the weekend with a friend. I was not exactly thrilled, but I told I would not hate her and that she could go. She is to be back sometime today. I found this site and a few others that I have been reading. They have helped some, and I feel some better knowing that I am not alone although I wish none of us were here at all.
Again, W asked your permission to go spend the weekend w/her lover. The I need space, time, distance speech is code for I need to figure out how to have a lover & still keep my spouse.
Originally Posted By: jammed
I keep moving from being where I think I am in control of myself, and then the next moment I am crying and wondering what I could do to "fix" this. I know in my head that I cannot do anything, and I think that is part of the problem. I keep thinking that if only I had listened better to her, if only, if only, if only. I know it doesn't do me any good to think that way, but I cannot seem to stop.
What you can do, which will make you feel better pretty quickly is to inform W of your boundaries regarding her A. Such as: W, I will not live in an open M. Read up on boundaries.
Originally Posted By: jammed
I desperately want our marriage to be saved. I love her and have loved her for most of my life. I feel the betrayal and I don't understand why she did it. I cannot help but think it is my fault, even though I know that I did not make the choice to cheat. I do know that I helped make the marriage bad enough that it happened.
It isn't your fault your W is having A. Even when W tells you that it is, remember that SHE decided to cheat on you.
Originally Posted By: jammed
I don't know for sure when she will be home today. I am so afraid that she is going to tell that she is leaving. I know I have to let her go, but I don't want to. I am afraid that if I just let her go, she will think I don't care that she is leaving. I know if I try to cling, or force, or argue it will only push her further away, but how do I show that I want to fight for us and not just take it lying down?
Stand up for yourself. W, I did some thinking while you were away. I will not live in an open M. I'm not sure of whether this M can be saved. Suggest to W that she start looking for a new place to live. She just came back from spending the weekend w/her lover. Don't delude yourself. The sooner you internalize that bit of truth, the easier it is to do what you need to do to protect yourself.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
I was trying to avoid saying, but yes the OP is a woman. I have already told her that it is her or me, not both. Wife says that she loves me, but also loves them. Maybe I am deluding myself by thinking she did indeed go to a friend's to think. Hardest part is the 6yo. She is, and has always been a mommie's girl. We bareley made it through this weekend and I don't know if I can handle her if she does not go with her mom.
I was trying to avoid saying, but yes the OP is a woman. I have already told her that it is her or me, not both. Wife says that she loves me, but also loves them. Maybe I am deluding myself by thinking she did indeed go to a friend's to think. Hardest part is the 6yo. She is, and has always been a mommie's girl. We bareley made it through this weekend and I don't know if I can handle her if she does not go with her mom.
The her/me speech is controlling. It's more that you are unwilling to share W. I'm not trying to be cruel, your W spent weekend w/her lover. Seems as if most everybody on the board has been thru this.
It's your call really. Are you ok w/your W being sexually involved w/OW? If you aren't, send her to the couch or out the door. As for D, if you & W S, then you will have to find ways to manage D w/o W. No time like the present.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Well she did come home tonight. We talked and she still doesn't have a definitive answer on staying or leaving.
She said that she is afraid that if she stays, that things will not change or stay changed. She wanted to know what was different this time. I told her that I realize this time that we need help to be able to communicate our needs to each other. I really think that this is root cause of our problems. We both let little thing grow into bigger things and all the while expecting the other person to just know what the problem was.
We talked some more and I told her that I cannot promise anything except that I am willing to do the work that it will take to improve our marriage/relationship.
I also told her that I wanted to give her the time she needs to decide what she wants to do, but that I could not continue to live like this indefinitely. I did not give her a specific time to make the decision, but that the longer it went on, the more I felt that didn't want to stay in a marriage where I am valued so little. I followed Pinheads advice and said that I will not live in an open marriage.
I did fail to keep myself from pointing out how this new relationship that she thinks is so great is founded in lies. She asked me what I meant by that and I said that from the moment it started, she had to hide it from the family and lie about what was going on. One of the things she has told me is this spiritual connection that the two of them have. I said that their connection was formed in pain, anger, turmoil, and the destruction of 4 lives. I then said that how could they have a centered spiritual relationship when it had that as its foundation.
I left it saying that if she wanted to talk some more that she can ask me. I also said that I was done tiptoeing around in my own home.
Did you set any consequences for her breaking your "No Open Marriage" boundary?
One of the vets will come along soon, but Puppy Dog Tails has the best statement on infidelity:
You say (if this is, in fact, how you feel -- if this is a true "Boundary of Personal Integrity" for you): "I will not live in an open marriage. If you choose not to stop what you're doing, and come back and work on the marriage with me, then I will take immediate steps to protect myself, including meeting with an attorney to move towards divorce."
(or, if you have no proof of infidelity, you may say "I will not live in a loveless marriage," or a "sexless marriage," or "one where my wife has no interest in working on the marriage with me," or whatever)
Notice two subtle (but important) distinctions:
1. You are NOT telling her what you do (controlling); you are stating what YOU are willing to abide (boundary): "I will not live in an open marriage." What she then does with that information is entirely up to her.
2. You are NOT saying "I will divorce you" (although that's obviously the possible endgame if she refuses to end it, and if you really AREN'T willing to live in an open marriage.) You're saying that you will move towards that, and you will make those moves immediately.
It's the difference between the "use of force," and the "credible THREAT of the use of force."
The good thing is you told her you won't stand for a third party in your M and have expressed you're willing to work on your M. I know you don't want to let her go, but you have to. It's the only way she will come around, if she does.
Do you know the OW? Is the OW in a R with anyone? If she is, EXPOSE the affair, STAT!
I found out a little over a week ago that my wife is having an EA that has been going on for about 4-5 months. It has slowly been transitioning to a PA. The night I found out we had a big blow up. I have already told her that if she wants to stay with me, she has to have no contact with the OP. We talked some more the next day, and I tried to convince her to stay and that our marriage and family was worth trying to save. She told me the OP has told her that they will suicide if she leaves them. Although it is hard for me to accept, I understand that she has feelings for this person and has to sort them out. She asked for a week to think without me pressuring her. I did my best to give her that week. She stayed at our house, but not our room.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here, jammed.
Your W basically is asking your permission to have an A. OP will kill them self if she leaves is her excuse/justification for having A. In reality, if W thought her lover was a danger to him/her self, W would probably do something to prevent that, i.e. stage intervention, call mental hospital, etc.
You haven't specified gender. Is W involved w/OM or OW?
Originally Posted By: jammed
Friday night, she asked if I would hate her if she went and spent the weekend with a friend. I was not exactly thrilled, but I told I would not hate her and that she could go. She is to be back sometime today. I found this site and a few others that I have been reading. They have helped some, and I feel some better knowing that I am not alone although I wish none of us were here at all.
Again, W asked your permission to go spend the weekend w/her lover. The I need space, time, distance speech is code for I need to figure out how to have a lover & still keep my spouse.
Originally Posted By: jammed
I keep moving from being where I think I am in control of myself, and then the next moment I am crying and wondering what I could do to "fix" this. I know in my head that I cannot do anything, and I think that is part of the problem. I keep thinking that if only I had listened better to her, if only, if only, if only. I know it doesn't do me any good to think that way, but I cannot seem to stop.
What you can do, which will make you feel better pretty quickly is to inform W of your boundaries regarding her A. Such as: W, I will not live in an open M. Read up on boundaries.
Originally Posted By: jammed
I desperately want our marriage to be saved. I love her and have loved her for most of my life. I feel the betrayal and I don't understand why she did it. I cannot help but think it is my fault, even though I know that I did not make the choice to cheat. I do know that I helped make the marriage bad enough that it happened.
It isn't your fault your W is having A. Even when W tells you that it is, remember that SHE decided to cheat on you.
Originally Posted By: jammed
I don't know for sure when she will be home today. I am so afraid that she is going to tell that she is leaving. I know I have to let her go, but I don't want to. I am afraid that if I just let her go, she will think I don't care that she is leaving. I know if I try to cling, or force, or argue it will only push her further away, but how do I show that I want to fight for us and not just take it lying down?
Stand up for yourself. W, I did some thinking while you were away. I will not live in an open M. I'm not sure of whether this M can be saved. Suggest to W that she start looking for a new place to live. She just came back from spending the weekend w/her lover. Don't delude yourself. The sooner you internalize that bit of truth, the easier it is to do what [b]you need to do to protect yourself. [/b]
Well she did come home tonight. We talked and she still doesn't have a definitive answer on staying or leaving.
She said that she is afraid that if she stays, that things will not change or stay changed. She wanted to know what was different this time. I told her that I realize this time that we need help to be able to communicate our needs to each other. I really think that this is root cause of our problems. We both let little thing grow into bigger things and all the while expecting the other person to just know what the problem was.
We talked some more and I told her that I cannot promise anything except that I am willing to do the work that it will take to improve our marriage/relationship.
Do you see how she -- starting with the bold part -- put this all BACK ON YOU???
She goes off for the weekend to have an affair, comes back and asks YOU what YOU'RE willing to do?
Look, I'm not saying you're blameless here, Jammed, but your standard response needs to be "I will not discuss the hypotheticals of our marriage so long as you've invited a third person into it by having an affair. End it, and come back to the marriage, and I think you'll find me ready and willing to discuss all issues, including my own."
She's basically playing the "Convince me why I should come back to you" card. You need to nip that one RIGHT UP FRONT. It's incredibly disrespectful!
