Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

NCU

Keep your head up. Glad that you are taking an art class it will help you focus on something entertaining for you. Do you have planned visitation between you and your H regarding the children? If not, I would recommend that so that H does not freely come around willy nilly (pretty good English for an American...hey). Keep your contact sparse between you and H and only children related issues. Don't feed the monster!!!

That was not criticism. It reminded me of a friend of mine who did that. Although it was an art class. He had never held a brush before and has zero art talent.

The result - one of the funniest works of art I've ever seen and the funniest stories he told me about the class where he was the only male.

And since I've been reading King Lear lately I've got a visual that just cracked me up.

Hurtinhartford

Visiting the kids is half-planned, half "I might drop by". They're very hurt by all this, he'd been openly loving in front of them until the ice-age suddenly descended in May (climate change?). so I feel they need to see him whenever possible and put my pride in my pocket. But that puts me in a difficult pôsition.
The art class will do something to fill that blue nunnish feeling that descends on a Friday evening.
Otherwise,I live in a rural area, so going out is a question of travel. the nearest town (small - too small for the two -three? - of us) is 10km away.If I ever start out painting it even pale pink, I'll run into your man (and maybe OW) straight away. I've already run into her at the Supermarket a few times.
Any more news from your absent W? Just because you don't hear anything doesn't mean she's not thinking about you. Chin up.
NotCrackingUp

NCU,

You have to stop thinking about the OW! Think about how your H is treating you...this might be her in a few years when he grows tired of her idiosyncrasies. By not having scheduled visits you are allowing your H to walk all over you. Get a L and set-up planned scheduled visits...Show your H that you are taking over the reins. I know that you love your kids, but you need time for yourself!!!

NCU,

Regarding my W. I have been agonizing about sending a b-day greeting. I was telling other that I make difficult and more complex decision every day w/o blinking an eye. I cannot decide if I should send a greeting or not.

Part of me says "yes" I should since I have stopped or stalled the downward spiral by generating a positive feeling with doing what she requested of me. Also, since I have few openings to generate positive feelings I don't want to pass any of them up.

However, I let her go earlier this week therefore, I should not acknowledge her b-day because that shows that I am accepting her bad behavior of leaving and not communicating. I look weak and insecure (waffles on my decsion to let her go and I look needy). But if I do not send a greeting then I might also generate additional negative feelings that I cannot afford.

So I listened to many posters advice and I will send a very short email wishing her a Happy B-day. So I do not offend her by not sending something, but I also show that it was that important to me. I think I found another outlet for communication FB. My W has assess so I will post a few interesting things that I am doing (not too crazy) so if she is looking...maybe, maybe not she can see what I have been up to.

HIH,

FB idea is a good one but don't make things up.

So what are you going to be up to?

Agree,

I don't know. I have friends that gives a daily wrap up on what they are having for dinner...like I really care. I travel a lot, but I never post this stuff. It has to be intriguing and somewhat mysterious. Sorry NCU for posting on your thread....

No problem.

I had to think before I realised what FB stood for. I suppose I must be one of the last people in civilization not to "exist" on FB, twitter or anything of that nature. Posting here has been the first venture into cyberspace for me (I use my computer as typewriter, filing cabinet and reference library).

She might think you were making things up. You said you've been losing weight - can you insert a photo of the new you, complete with snazzy wardrobe, new haircut, I don't know...?

somehow, although I find it hard to see in my own case - I do let H walk over me a bit - I suppose "no contact" is what it says on the tin.We have to find a way of going one day at a time without making any attempt at contact or being seen/noticed by the other.

As for what you say about OW: you're right. This is new to me, my H was the centre of my world and I miss him so much, miss the friendship and intimacy he's (possibly/probaby) sharing with another. I don't spy, try to thought stop, but have moments of great pain, when I realise he may well never take me in his arms again.I live overseas from my own family, most friends are in common with him, so I haven't been going around seeing them as he's said nothing to almost anyone. I'm bloody surrounded by his family, all v nice but on the sidelines and not rushing to ask me over either. So I do tend to ruminate, of a Saturday night. He's out or in having a ball of some ilk and I'm holding the fort.Yet I feel that if I say "lawyer" to him and start getting stroppy about the kids, I'll wreck any chances of reconciliation and lose him utterly. French men (sorry to generalise) have a tendency towards arrogance and digging in the heels.

I suppose I just haven't become fed up enough yet.
NotCrackingUp

I have had a few encounters with French men as well in business and I hate generalize too, but I get your point. However, don't threaten him with a L just consult with one and them help to decide on the path that you will take. Right now you are allowing him to take the cake and eat it too. Let him see your strength. He will use you as long as you let him.

I know you're right, of course. My self-esteem is so low that I can't seem to set any boundaries at all. I thought things were ok, I thought he was happy with me. then he suddenly cut off all affection and even friendship, has given practically no explanation, seems to be "disgusted" with me as though I'd become a leper, but still wants tp pop over as though I was an old aunt. If I had the guts to follow my instinct, I'd ask not to see him or hear from him at all, except on child-related matters. seeing him around hurts so.

I've read "Divorce Remedy", not "Divorce Busting".I remember a part about being perky and happy when spouse comes round, so as to present a viable alternative to the OP. I've tried to do this, but he seems to take it as though I've just accepted he's rejecting me, as though we can all be civilized and modern about this, no tears, chalk it up to experience, move on etc. I can't be modern and civilized about it, I feel like a cavewoman over all this. Putting on a "happy,bubbly" face and serving up the Sunday roast feels so false. What to do? I really want a chance to get him back, make him see me as he once did, be an attractive alternative. But the DR advice makes me feel like a sitting duck and a doormat. I don't want to lose my children's respect, which I might if they see their Dad ride roughshod over me. Any advice? Also from experienced members. Bearing in mind the cultural differences. Reading all your posts, I get the impression North Americans are more aware of interpersonal strategy. I have to say French people are very into personal choice and individual freedom, not very pragmatic and hate to be seen to lose face. Simply, I'm not sure that acting tough and getting on my high horse would have the effect I want. But I do feel like a doormat now.