So sorry to hear the change of events Sanderika. Hugs to you. Hope your son had a terrific first day. And of course, you can always post here.
Hi Rabbit, thanks as always for your stories and examples.
Went interstate with friends to see Westside Story. It was great fun. H took me to the airport and picked me up, too. He is away this weekend and next. Neither trip involves ow.
On discussion of finances (he's still done nothing but he mentions it every now and then) I said," Let's get this sorted out. i don't want to hold you back in any way." He replied, "You aren't holding me back from anyone or anything."
We had a disagreement tonight. It was a minor thing he had not told me about. I know this is an area of sensitivity for me. I feel that given the loss of trust It's important for me to be informed about things. He was annoyed to begin with and said he would never please me but when I explained properly he was fine. It was a good example of how we will have to reach new understanding in the future, even as friends and how he thinks I am too difficult to please. The challenge is to continue speaking my truth but in a positive way that does not show I have unrealistic expectations.
the positive of it all is that he didn't hang up on me, ignore me or shout at me which is what he would have done in the height of his MLC.
Today I am sick of being patient. Today I feel like saying, "This situation does not suit me."
I am not good at no expectations.
I sense that H is testing the waters and the comment about him never being good enough was to say he was wondering if we could ever move on from the past. I'm not sure either but I'm prepared to test it. It's like there's an elephant in the room that neither of us are mentioning. And where is ow? She is still around but I think she's a security blanket. He can't be seeing her too often as he's had a really busy schedule which has included 4 weekends in a row either away or with our D.
The weekly dinners are comfortable. While I want D to be happy and have a better R with her dad it once again means that I am doing the work. I will wait until the school holidays and see if he invites D to have dinner at his place.
No contact means no expectation. Contact increases expectation!
No contact means no expectation. Contact increases expectation!
Cas, Having or not having expectations are choices you get to make. Having hope is different from expectations. Keep the two separated and you'll do fine.
Thanks SA. I get what you are saying but I guess realistically with contact I feel impatient. I see that we get along. It's as if we are skirting around this issue. I feel I'm in a kind of limbo cos we have this whole history; I'm not a stranger or a friend or a partner but a little bit of them all. I'm a stranger cos we are polite and careful around each other, especially at arrival and departure times. I'm a friend when we share information about work, when we laugh and when we know what coffee to order each other but there are aspects of his life that I don't question and parts of our relationship that we don't address. We are partners when we make decisions and when we discuss our children but that's all. Mostly we are strangers embarking on a new friendship.
I know he cares for me more than a stranger. Friendship is two way and while this has improved it's still mostly me that does the work. I just feel that while I sit with hope and don't pressure him we'll still be in the same position in another year!
I just feel that while I sit with hope and don't pressure him we'll still be in the same position in another year!
You don't know where you will be in a year from know, that is an expectation. Where were you a year ago? I would think a lot has changed in the last year. Lots more will change in the next year. We must have patience, forgiveness, and hope.
Great reminder, Lance. thanks for putting it in perspective for me.
H sent a text this afternoon to say he had arrived at his destination. Later he sent a photo of the place he is visiting. Yes, Lance, you're right. This would not have happened a year ago. I need to remind myself of these changes.
Cas, I have been feeling the same things that you are voicing. It's like watching PAINT dry. ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Lance, you have good feedback as always. I know that you know what this is like. When I think about your question in my situation I have to say that my XH is much less guarded with me now than he was 1 year ago (we weren't D'ed 1 year ago), XH seems much less depressed now than 1 year ago, I hadn't reconnected with his sister yet, and H/XH and I had only done 1 recreational outing. This summer we had recreational outings for about 10 weeks......When I write it down, there does seem to have been progress.
Cas, try writing down the changes like Lance suggested. I was surprised by how much had changed when I wrote my list.
Have this lingering feeling that I'm wasting my time. I wrote down all the advances from a year ago and there were lots however, it also reminded me of all the uncaring and thoughtless behaviours of a year ago and I wonder why I would bother with such a mean person. These behaviours were interspersed with some caring actions that kept me hanging on. In December we embarked on 6 months of no contact including some nasty interactions from H over the legal aspects. Now there is peace but I wonder when the bubble will burst once again. I wonder if this is the genuine H I am now seeing. I wonder if I am just really, really gullible.
As I re-read this it seems too negative but I have to acknowledge my feelings. this has been an incredibly long and painful journey and I don't need anymore pain. The only person who really knows what's going on is H and does he???
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I share your frustrations and concerns. As you stated above, I see movement over the last year in my situation too but in my frustration I have little fantasies about getting some of the things that frustrate me off my chest (telling XH directly to his face what I am thinking)..............but then I hear the voice of reason saying "others who have come to the place where you are have written that this is a tenuous place.........that they were on the road to reconnecting and their frustration and impatience made them walk away or say things that set them back". Things blew up at that point and all the years of hard work went down the proverbial toilet.
Upside is one example I can think of off the top of my head, but she and her H are still communicating and he just told her that he loves her.........but there are others (can't think of who they are right now) that have written on the boards. So I have been very, very patient throughout this
.............yet I wonder if things will ever change if we don't "stir the pot" a bit (as Lance likes to refer to it)?
Isn't being patient a B2tch? Especially if you are an action oriented, get-in-there and fix it kind of person? Last Saturday was my H's first peek out of the tunnel, and I think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. Didn't expect a follow up performance this soon, but still, when I opened up my Email, I did it with one eye open. I'm trying especially hard to have an upbeat, happy weekend and not to think on it overmuch.
Stirring the pot? I believe that if you don't occasionally stir, things will burn on the bottom of the pan. And stink.
