Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Just observing the changes

Tonight H sent me a skype message and then we chatted for a while over our D and I suggested at some point that it was his r with her and perhaps none of my business. H told me that if he didn't want me involved he would tell me that and that I should never assume or guess there's an issue/problem cos I could be wrong.

The unspoken message I got was that all is travelling well between us and if a problem eventuates he'll tell me but unless he tells me there is a problem there definitely isn't. I sensed this was his affirmation. From that and the tone of the conversation generally tonight and last night I feel I'm on the right track. I just need an extra dose of patience!!

So again, I'd love to know where ow fits in here. I told my friend that ow now seems to be fairly insignificant and my friend said that was a good way to describe her. Then she added if you take the time he spends with you and talking to you, there's not too much quality time left. H is going to stay with our S this weekend so def no ow then.

PS My L is chasing me to finish off this financial stuff and the D. What do I do? H says he's in a big hurry and then takes no action. He knows I have the stuff here to complete. Do I initiate it all or wait for him and just stall L?

The lawyer works for you.
What do you want?
If you don't want to be divorced tell the lawyer that you are in no hurry.
Let your husband set the pace for all of it.
Thats MHO.

Hi Cas,

I have been following along, just not in a good frame of mind to offer advice.

I want to chime in....

If your H wants the divorce let him do the work. If he wants it he will tell you. Hold the lawyers off... You don't want it, don't move it forward.

I read the same as you in your H's words. Currently there is no problem. I think your H is enjoying the reconnection with you.
You are getting many positive signals from him.

Trust me, when there is a problem between the two of you the signs will be undeniable. Your H will turn cold to you and most likely treat you like you are not even in the room when he comes for your daughter. You will not get a reply to contact you attempt. He will avoid, avoid, avoid....You!! He will begin to speak about the divorce once again almost daily. It will be the only thing he will want from you...

The OW may or may not be influencing his current choice. Don't look for trouble in this area. Be hopeful that the relationship is simply coming to an end, as most affairs do.

Let your H lead the way for now, continue to offer him friendship and patience for his current peek out of the tunnel. Nurture him gently without any expectations.

Your H is showing many good signs, be extra careful you don't do the wrong thing and send him back into the MLC tunnel. Take it from me, the situation brewing inside him is fragile and at any moment he can just up and turn the other way.

Patience!! My dear friend, you can do this!!!

(((((Cas)))))

Sanderika

All moving along interestingly I see Cas, but dont give yourself brain ache trying to work it out cos you know you wont be able too! Just enjoy the pleasant bits and detach the other bits that you dont want to get involved with..

Sanderika, huge hugs hun, what a horrible shock for you, I know probably expected but still hanging on a for a little chink of light! Its now time to cut loose and live totally for you and S when you are ready of course.. You never know we have seen several sudden appearance of brain cells in some of the MLC folks so never say never but dont waste any more life waiting.. My thoughts and hugs are with you (())

Cas,

Your lawyer may be looking for more billable hours to submit to his firm's accountant. L's get a lot of pressure to bill hours, especially now. My sister is an attorney and tells me that a lot of Ls are losing their jobs because people aren't spending nearly as much on their services these days. I really think that was one of the big contributors to the push toward D in my situation: XH's L pushed him forward in order to bill more hours after the economy tanked.........then H/XH complained bitterly about how much he was spending on a L even though we negotiated all of the terms between ourselves. In our case the Ls only made sure the correct language was in place.

Your L works for you. You call the shots.

Sanderika, I'm very sorry to read about your situation. I have read many, many of your threads. You have shared your wisdom generously with all of us here and for that we are very grateful. Sending you positive thoughts.

GAG

Hi Rabbit and GAG,

Thank you for your kind words it means the world to me...

I keep coming on here and reading and re-reading looking for more hope and I can't find it at the moment.

I am deeply saddened and you are right, however, this will take me a while to get over, if I ever do....I have never had to endure such pain, never.

I have been fighting to save this marriage and the best friendship I have ever had, the road has been all up hill.

I don't know what to do now.....letting him go is going to hurt just as much....

Thank you all for the hugs, I need them.

Sanderika

Dinner tonight went well. When H arrived he offered me a drink and then got them for us. He helped me serving up and clearing the table. When I complained about the vegetables taking a little longer than i anticipated he said it didn't matter. For the first time he took his shoes off when we watched tv which I figure means he is a little more relaxed. Conversation was easy and comfortable.I think this is easier to achieve when you see each other more frequently as you've got past conversations to refer to. H says if he's not working he will come with me to see D swim next carnival. Genuine hug when he left. I am happy with the way things are tonight.

I am on conference and then he is away seeing S so there'll be nothing else to report until next week.

Thank you Lance. I have contacted the L and said not to do anything at this stage.

Sanderika, thanks, as always for your affirmation. I appreciate your kind words of wisdom especially when I know the pain you are experiencing atm.Your words were a good reminder of the cold I will experience (as I have so often in the past) if he has a change of heart. You're right; if he really wanted D now he would be 'on my case'. This is not to say that he won't suggest it next week.

Rabbit,I'm trying to focus on the pleasant bits!! Thanks for the reminder. It's so easy for me to analyse and over think it all.

GAG, I think you are right over L. I have felt that she is looking for revenue from the last few emails she has sent.

Time for a new thread!! Thinking of a new title.... Thanks all once again. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words of wisdom!

Hi Cas,

Thank you for posting your very positive evening with H.

I look eagerly for your updates, I am soooo happy for you.

I agree with you, he is much more relaxed. He is behaving comfortably because he is comfortable!! He is also assessing the situation within. Cas, be careful now to use extra patience for your H. Remain true to and be yourself, the wonderful woman you are is what he is enjoying at the moment.

I see an improvement over last week!!!

Think positive thoughts through the next week, good things will come to you.

((((Cas))))

Sanderika

Thanks Sanderika and hugs to you too. I feel silly posting so often but atm this is what gives me patience and allows me to record the positives. It's so helpful when others are there to affirm or guide actions. After I posted this I realised something else that was different...when I was saying goodbye to H he said enjoy your conference. I haven't heard him wish me well at anything for a long, long time.