Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 911 Puppy...PLEASE HELP!

Greek posted this back in March, "You can sit that man down and say, "I have decided that this arrangement is not what I want. I know you are having an A. You will either stop your A and come home to work on our M, or I will see my lawyer and divorce you." There are only two things to consider for him - restoring his M or you will end it. Period."

Now that was said before I found out H was actually living with OW, but I'm confused.

Last night H sent me this text, "You gonna let me move back in?"

Of course I want him out of OW's house, but is back in our house the best thing right now? Anything is better than him being in her house, but I'm afraid of him moving back in just to leave again if it doesn't work out.

Text him back "I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore," and then wait for further instructions.

There is a "third way" beyond just

1. Living with OW

2. Coming back to live with Courts with no boundaries or conditions.

Puppy

Feel free to yell at me for this, but I replied last night and this morning before I got on here and this is what I said:

Last night: IDK. Are you gonna do the work it would take? Are you gonna respect the boundaries I set? IDK if moving in here is the best idea right now - cause if it doesn't work out & you move out again it will be tragic for DD. Maybe you need a short term apartment or something.

He didn't reply. So I sent this: IDK why you didn't reply, that's your choice. I don't want to keep going on & on about this. If you want to try to make things right & work on the marriage like you claim you have wanted numerous times, then you know what you need to do...end it, move out, & have NO contact with her. Period. End of story.

No reply from him.

My ears are open, my mouth is shut and my hands are away from my phone. What's next?

Would I want to talk to him about moving back in with boundaries?

Thanks for being honest, Court -- it'll help us advise you. And what you said was actually very good (although I would have preferred to not communicate that stuff yet). So no harm/no foul, really.

Financially, can he afford a short-term rental, or even stay with a family member? That would be ideal. Like an abuser who SWEARS they're getting help, and aren't drinking, etc., it's best to let them DEMONSTRATE their "sobriety" for 6 months, while you date each other and are transparent with each other, before you let him back into your -- and more importantly, your daughter's -- heart and HOME again.

More on that in due time. For now, post here what he replies to you (if he does), and do NOT pursue him any further. You really shouldn't have sent the 2nd one.

Puppy

I think you and John28 should get together and go bowling. You have a lot in common when it comes to not taking advice.

Seriously!?! You need to take back the POWER and CONTROL of the R.

It is VERY TRUE the person that CARES the least CONTROLS the most.

Sincerely CHECK OUT and Show WAH that you dont CARE what he does and that the OW can have him and go dark for a week and YOU will see your REAL H.

Either you get strong or get used to being a doormat.

Your choice.

God Speed. PMA

What else would she tell you? You already know they are together. Does it really matter how long? But I would only ask once if really wants to work it out and also include that actions has to follow words. Don't let him give you any more lip service. Actions speak lowder than words. Keep up the IC and you may find you are stronger than you think. Good luck.

"BINGO" on that bolded part. VERY important.

I have a little spin on the second part, that we'll get to very soon for Courts, but in general, it's also dead-on.

Puppy

I'm guessing he could afford a short term rental IF he stops paying for whatever he's paying for of hers. He makes good money, but I know it's stretched between households - mine and hers. He is always complaining about being short on money and I'm sure that's due to the lifestyle he's living. OW has no regard for the money he's spending. She just told him he needed to take her on a mini vacation for Labor Day and that it was gonna cost $650.00.

I would like him to stay with a family member, but IDK if that would happen. I suggested his parents, but I can only imagine what he thinks about that. I have a feeling they would be in his business non-stop and that won't fly with him.

If he does text or whatever, I will post it here and ask for guidance before responding.


This: "it's best to let them DEMONSTRATE their "sobriety" for 6 months, while you date each other and are transparent with each other, before you let him back into your -- and more importantly, your daughter's -- heart and HOME again." is great advice, but what if he says he can't afford a rental? I know he's racking up debt bc of this bs.


Ouch, PMA. But, I'll take it like a woman, bc it's so damn true. I absolutely agree - I can't even express how much I want to take back the power and the control. Part of the reason I was blowing up his phone with texts the last couple of days is bc I feel completely out of control. Now that I know he's living with her it feels counterintuitive to not do more about it. I feel like I'm just allowing it to continue. If going dark is what I need to do, I'll do it. I'm so fed up with being a doormat and doing $hit that doesn't work or help.

C - Sorry didnt mean to be so harsh. I like to tell it how it is most of the time because I was so ignorant when I first came on this board and needed a kick to the head to wake me up.

You still are playing the "mother role" which shows him you CARE. Ofcourse you know you do we all know you do, but he needs to think you dont. That is how you gain back control. So stop caring about what he does. Stop making "suggestions" on who he should live with etc... Remember you dont care. And you really shouldnt based on how he has and is still treating you.

I'm guessing 10 years ago you wouldnt have put up w half his crap. SO WHY NOW??

Time to kick some a$$ seabass!! I would give the same advice to my sister. So NO MORE WORDS JUST ACTIONS. Box up his crap and tell him to come get it. You will feel EMPOWERED and when he starts to believe the NEW YOU he will be wrapped around your finger. Oh and when he see's you dress sexy and smell good and tell him as you pass by that you are going out with friends.

You can do it!!

Then you'll have your answer, won't you.



Again, NOT YOUR CONCERN.

Here, let me try to explain it with something from my personal archives:


To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.

And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?

All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.

"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.

Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, so seriously.

Puppy



See, your boundaries are in RESPONSE to what HE said: "Are you going to let me come back, or not?" HE asked, so you answered. Basically, you take a "Love ya to death, but don't shoot the messenger, babe -- that's what it's going to take" attitude, and you MOVE ON DOWN THE PATH, not waiting for him to give you his answer.