You'll get a wide variety of perspective here, but perspective is the one that it's hard to have from where you are sitting in your sitch.
No one but the people on this Board know I would take my husband back. My friends, family, even our children, say he doesn't deserve another chance, and I could do better, etc. and so on.
So, come here to vent, cry, rant, celebrate, share, question, and generally just for company with people that truly, TRULY Understand what you are going through.
You sound like you have a pretty good handle on your sitch already. That is good. Don't be surprised though that at a drop of a hat it will seem like you're losing grip on your world.
That's what we're here for, to support each other in the tough times and rejoice with you at the small baby steps.
Like the others have said, nobody knows what this is like unless they've traveled the path.
Your H sounds like he's definitely out there spinning and one of the goals here for some of us with hope of saving our M is to outlast the spouse's MLC. It is not a sprint but a marathon! More importantly, this is about saving yourself.
The journey you will take if that what you decide to do is not an easy one, but in the end you will consider it a blessing for all that you're able to learn about yourself.
I'm sorry you're here too but know that this place is a great forum to vent, scream, cry, question, etc. You will find a lot of good advice from those who are much further along in the process.
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Quote:
We are "friends" and talk/text everyday
Bad idea. How is that working out for you? You plan on being his friend until he finds somebody else? Awfully nice of you.
Go dim. Back way off. Only communicate when it's about logistics/financial kinds of things.
I would take issue with this statement because I'm in much the same situation. IMHO, the decision on how to handle the situation should be left to the individual spouse who is most familiar with the situation. Detachment is the key. The reason we go dark/dim is for the LBS not the MLCer. If the detachment is there and the LBS spouse feels that more communication won't hurt, I don't see the issue. Sorry, didn't mean to hijack the thread, I just worry when blanket directives are given without knowing the full backstory....
TAMF, read and reread about detachment. It's clear you're not there yet since you are still allowing his actions to affect YOU. It's not easy, and I can't say I'm completely there yet either. But it does help to make everything much more tolerable.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
IMHO, the decision on how to handle the situation should be left to the individual spouse who is most familiar with the situation. Detachment is the key.
I agree Al.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Isn't it ironic that we're too busy with getting ahead in life to pay attention to the sand slipping thru our fingers? We think we're doing all the right stuff.
After being in this stuff for 7 years now I still don't have much of a clue about what defines MLC. Maybe your H is spinning or whatever. Consider that he could be out to defend his status as breadwinner, man of the family, that your success emasculates him.
Quote:
I got a big promotion at work that was very stressful and took a lot of my time. He started complaining about every single little thing.
Warning! WArning! He has a hard time dealing with being in second place.
I suggest a book called 5 Love Languages. There is a series, get the one for marriage. Figure out your H's LL and start practicing.
Stamina, hope, patience. Surround yourself with people who will support your decisions.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
TAMF - I read your post and could definitely relate to and feel your pain. It's a long road to healing - but know that this board can definitely help you through. Don't share this site with your H. Leave this as your place - IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Welcome to these boards. You will find some incredible support here.
First, you should realize that not everyone has the same ideas as to how to approach this. While this is the MLC board, occasionally, people who are not so supportive of the concept of MLC or the way we approach it around here, will post. That does not mean that they have nothing of value to say, just that occasionally, you will see some very differing opinions.
Around here, we try to focus on looking inward. Becoming a better person ourselves.
That is for multiple reasons.
It takes our focus off of our spouse and our marriage and puts it on ourselves, which is important because the only person we can control in any situation, is ourselves.
Second, hopefully, it creates a situation where any changes you make in yourself, are real and for you, NOT your M. IF you change ONLY to get your H back, the changes will not only not be genuine, they won't last. And you will find yourself back here in the future.
Third, it makes us stronger. IF we get to to the point where our spouses wake up, we need to be the strong one. We need to be the healthy one, because even after they come out of the fog, they have a long, hard, sad road ahead of them. At that point, they will need our support and strength to get through.
No contact, is helpful in detatching. Daily interaction, can be good, if it is good for you both, but if it isn't (and in your case I am not certain), it can be very damaging.
Read the resources. Read the threads in the archives. There are some very good ones. Learn what MLC is, learn it like your life depends on it. Because in some ways, it really does.
Take this time to begin your journey and don't worry about your M or your H. I know it is easier said than done, but you can do it.
And remember, you are not "waiting" for your S to wake up. You are beginning your own journey, your own life. Don't let anyone convince you that you are simply "waiting". If you feel like that is what you are doing, then you are not doing the work on yourself that needs to be done.
Keep posting. Keep asking questions. There is no "quick fix" to this. There is no "magic pill" or anything that is going to make it happen quicker. It will last as long as in needs to. This journey, is a long one. Not a few months long, but a few years long, and it is worth every step. You don't see that now, but you will someday.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
my H was working in Chicago and on Wednesday morning it was the first day of school for my Ds. So he didn't get to see them before school. They looked so beautiful - new outfits, new haircuts, just beautiful. I actually got emotional after they got on the bus. It was the first time I cried since they were 5 -6 years old! I sent a text to my H that said,"1st day of 5th and 7th grade - they look beautiful. Thank you, without you I wouldn't have the two most wonderful people in my life." He text me back,"they are as beautiful as their mom. I got you something." - this surprised me! I asked him what it was and he told me that he was bringing me back a steak burrito from Mr. Taco in Chicago. I was stunned. Mr. Taco is this little whole in the wall mexican stand that has THE BEST STEAK BURRITOS - whenever H and I would go to chicago we would go out of our way to get a burrito from there. It was like our little secret place. He said he would go to the house and leave it in the frig for me. What do you guys think of that?
Then this morning at 6:20am he came to the house to see the girls off for thier 2nd day of school since he missed wednesday. He ate breakfast with them and took them to school. Totally unexpected. Don't get me wrong - he is the best dad in the world, but I didn't expect him to come see them off.
But yet, I know if I went on our cell phone website, I would see 25 text messages to the OW...
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
