Question: We are still living together although we don't sleep together. How to detatch when were still in the same house?
Two answers that I would say would work..
1st.... ONE of you has to move. "WS, I have done some thinking and I have decided that this just isn't working out for me. I think we should move toward separating and divorce and I think it would be wise if we start it asap. We have a few issues to work out, but the first one is that I think you should find another place. Maybe move to your moms or your friends or get your own place for now, but I want to separate need some space. I will give you two weeks to find a place and get moved. If you can't get everything moved in two weeks, we can store stuff in the garage for a few more weeks until you get situated." (said firmly, matter of factly an yet cordially.. As if you will even help her by letting her leave stuff at the house for a small period of time...)
If she says she won't move and is firm on not moving...
Then YOU move out. Get your ducks in a row. Staying and living together is a no no when you want to show them you are moving on down the road and letting go.
2nd choice.... Start socially interacting with the oppostie sex and have the time of your life while doing it. Text one of your new social friends day and night and at all hours. Laugh on the phone loudly and deeply while your wife is within hearing distance(usually works best when that social friend just happens to be the opposite sex.. ..ony friends of course ).... all while leaving her alone...
After reading these forums last night I pretty much know Gucci is dead on. I feel like an ass after reading what he wrote, but it's motivated me to do better.
I do have a particular problem today though that I need some advice on. She is suppose to come over today just to TALK. I asked her yesterday, if this visit was her way of coming over and getting the rest of her stuff and she said no. Just talk.
Now after reading all this wonderful information I have questions..
1) I'm feeling that I in NO way should initiate the conversation that she wants to talk about. Am I correct?
2) If she starts talking about divorce and asks me how we want to do everything...WTH do I say and NOT say. (Boundaries?)
3) If she wants to just hang out and not bring anything up, do I let her...or do I just get her out as fast as possible?
4) Can you guys say a damn prayer for me so I don't open my damn mouth about the Big R?
1) Correct. Her stated reason to come over is to TALK...so you will LISTEN. If she asks you any questions: "I'm processing a lot of information and options right now. I'm going to take more time to think about that before I answer."
2)MC to W: "Like you, I have many decisions to make about my M and I'm going to take more time to think about these choices before I answer."
3)MC to W: "I've got plans in about an hour, probably need to take a shower and change in the next 1/2. If you want to TALK, I'm all ears, truly, but I do have somewhere to be. So what's on your mind?"
4) Prayer...done. Think twice, speak once (if at all!)
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
You should let her lead whatever conversation she wants to... conversate about LOL!
If she asks about divorce tell her plainly, directly and confidently that you will respect whatever decision she has regarding this. Tell her if she wants to file for divorce, she is free to, you won't fight with her on this issue anymore, if this is really what she wants, she should do what she wants to do, you won't stand in her way. (keep it brief, again let her lead the conversation, don't make any assumptions, after all it's just talk right now anyways, nothing more, so just nod, agree and keep your words brief, don't talk too much, let her do most of the talking)
If she wants to hang out, let her hang out, WTF?!
But....
Don't hang out all night. You have plans to go out @ 7 or 8pm with a buddy, someone you just met, she doesn't know them - it's just a friend, gives you a chance to get out of the house and stretch out your legs.
As for saying a prayer, how about I just tell you right, NO F!@#$KING RELATIONSHIP TALK from you. If she wants to talk about the relationship, let her, you can't control her or stop her, you can however control you, give it a try, its actually possible for you to control your actions, reactions, words, etc. You're just not used to self-control and it's something you need to get on top of and when you get used to controlling your words and actions, you will be surprised and what other things you're actually capable of doing.
also be confident, calm, controlled, cool during your entire interaction with her.
I think she's used to you being crazy, selfish, hot headed, wussy, begging, pleading, grovelling, controlling, and whatever other things she's used to you being.
Try something different, in fact that should be your new motto, you want different results, try different actions.
1) Correct. Her stated reason to come over is to TALK...so you will LISTEN. If she asks you any questions: "I'm processing a lot of information and options right now. I'm going to take more time to think about that before I answer."
2)MC to W: "Like you, I have many decisions to make about my M and I'm going to take more time to think about these choices before I answer."
3)MC to W: "I've got plans in about an hour, probably need to take a shower and change in the next 1/2. If you want to TALK, I'm all ears, truly, but I do have somewhere to be. So what's on your mind?"
4) Prayer...done. Think twice, speak once (if at all!)
Greek
and that's pretty much why she's the Queen around here ;-)
Now as far as the chance of there being a OM. Should I check? I mean, in her mindset she probably would think I'm stalking her. Does it even matter if she's seeing someone else?
At best it would substantiate lies, but also make me angry. It'll just hurt so much that it would piss me off and knowing MY track record I would probably run my mouth.
Now as far as the chance of there being a OM. Should I check? I mean, in her mindset she probably would think I'm stalking her. Does it even matter if she's seeing someone else?
At best it would substantiate lies, but also make me angry. It'll just hurt so much that it would piss me off and knowing MY track record I would probably run my mouth.
Knowing isn't going to hurt you but I definitely wouldn't advocate stalking her or anyone, that's just wrong.
Set her free, if she really wants out, let her go.
But view it as her loss, not yours.
That's the mindset.
If your marriage isn't worth it to her, why is it worth it to you? Let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you.
Allow her to make whatever mistakes she wants to make, you can't stop her even if you try.
Good. I really don't want to find out by "checking" on her.
Personally, I'd rather her trust me again and TELL me that she is having an affair anyway. I'd still get mad, but I'd gain a little trust in her as well.
).... all while leaving her alone...