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I am the same way. What I have learned now is that I can still be direct and to the point without being an ass about it.
It is good to be honest and open, but what ever you say, do not do it angrily or when you are mad. Just make sure W see's this as what you feel. Then ask her or let her reply to what you say. This is the kicker to communicating or making it work right. LSITEN to what W says, every word. The next factor is to not attack her for what she says or feels. Validate her and if what she says requires some thought before you respond, then tell her." I need to think about it and get back to you."

My wife also sees that I validate her feelings now. When W would nag, I did shut down or vice versa. The thing to do is take a deep breath, stay calm and say that you are listening...and LISTEN...then respond. If things do get to the point of a yelling match, then stop and tell W ,"When you are going to be irrational or irate to me, I feel that we are not going to solve the matter and as soons as you cool off I will be glad to talk this out with you."

I am trying to validate her feelings. She said I didn't help out around the house. So no matter how tired I am I clean up around the house. She said I didn't spend time with the kids, so I take them to the park or take them shopping with me or just play leggos together. She said she feels pressured to have sex. so I just don't bring it up or touch her in a sujestive manner. She said she see's the changes, but nothing changed between us. For years I would have to be the one to bring up issues we need to work on or even start conversations. That goes the same for sex. I am tired of having to be the front runner of change, communication, sex or even going out to the store. I have told her how I feel but she seems to blow me off, but turns and says I blow her off even after all the changes I have made to show her I hear and understand what she is saying.

If I am suppose to view the EA as a war what are the rules of engagement?

Norstar,

You will find that if you faithfully change everything on this "list" of hers, she will suddenly just have a new list for you.

It's a cheeseless tunnel.

I forget who it is over on the MLC forum, who's been helping CD Bear on his thread, but they refer to trying to focus on the walkaway/wayward/MLC spouse's charges that "sting." Meaning, those things that YOU, in your heart, really ARE things you need to change, whether they be to try to save THIS relationship or to take into your NEXT one.

If you focus on what a wayward spouse SAYS they need from you, you'll find it's a pretty fogged-out list, and they'll either just add to it, or tell you they don't believe you've really changed.

Puppy

HINT: It's not to "approach with care," "hope for the best," and unilaterally disarm.


Puppy

I have been cheated on before in other relationships, but they always broke it off before I found out. I would usually find out after the break up. So this is new territory for me.

I understand.

Not sure what to think of this. She says she wants to be here and she wants us to work. She said I gave her an out when I confronted her about the EA and the other lyes she told me. She also said she can leave anytime with the kids. I guess that is why I didn't file when I knew the EA was happening. I didn't want to lose my kids. Military dad's don't win custody cases and I already lost one DD. In two years I have seen her maybe two monthes and that kills me.

She can't just take your kids. Judges nowadays start with 50/50, and go from there, in one direction or another based on what's best for the children.

I know her she will go back home. I have to go where AF tells me to go at least for another 7 yrs. I still have over two yrs in Germany and then who knows where I get to go after that. Plus I have been through one really ugly divorce, I don't feel like doing it again.

Isn't there something in the US Code that says a spouse CANNOT bring a divorce action against you when you're stationed overseas?