Good morning, Sage! Just wanted to come by and say hello. Looks like you are getting some nice words around here. Isn't it comforting?
Hope you have a good weekend. Relax...you deserve it...take some pressure off you and h...
You mentioned that being stressed had pushed your h away in the past. what were you like? grumpy? closed off? what helps? does it helps to "get it off your chest" in a 5 min. discussion and then move on to have a great night? I'm just thinking that you don't need to be dishonest about your feelings-like you have to be "perfect," but let h know that you are feeling stressed but **show him** that it is not going to interfere with your r.
Sage Help! I knOW you and youH are back together, but were there times when you screwed up and made things tense? If you could read my thread and give me some advise I would sure appreciate it. It seems we have gone back to square one and he is seriously doubting if this will work. It always happens this way. I told him that it makes me feel like she has gotten ahold of him again. He says no, that he has not talked to her and I told him that I am choosing to believe him. I feel he's slipping away from me and we started out so good. I'm scared. Rachael
Exam went well last night...I took yesterday off from work to study and also to be with h. He's REALLY sick.
I'm back at work today...trying to catch up at the job and also on the bb. I'm feeling a bit freaked out, actually, about trying to catch up on everyone's sitch....is it like Flybabies -- you're not behind, you're just getting started????
Things at home for me are going really well. I heard really amazing **words** from h yesterday...he told me I was his best friend...and a wonderful wife and lover.
He's really sick right now and I'm just not sure what to do for him...
He was also wonderful about my exam...I was in high stress mode this weekend (heck, last week, too) and feeling like crap about it...he REALLY let me know that not only was it ok but that I could lean on him. Yesterday, when it was at an all time high, he gave me true confidence about how well I was handling things.
So...where to jump in with all of you???
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I had a conversation with H just a while ago-he sounded better-asked me what I was doing tonight since he's going to a basketball game. I'm going out with my best friend, I can use her right now. I'm pretty freaked about this turn of events. I have that horrible feeling in my gut. I was really upbeat when I talked to him but inside I feel like I'm dying. Rachael
Hidee ho, Sage. Whew, what a lot of work you've done!
Dropping in for a cuppa joe with ya, love the "sayings on your fridge."
So to speak.
I get so much advice and encouragement from you -- the way you share your ups and downs helps me swim through my own, grrrlll. Thanks for your wisdom and for packaging it nicely. (Love your friends who also stop by.)
Been lurking mostly, not posting. But you guys are family to me and help me LIVE MY LIFE well.
I'm not together with my mate and I get a little wistful and envious sometimes of people who are "piecing" -- but then as I read what you all are going through, I wonder if I'd be able to manage that. Learning to trust again. Hard work, daily discipline, very valuable but ouch.
I'm not piecing with my H -- we are living separately -- his terms -- but we ARE healing and in fact have begun a new R. It's not about marriage (he doesn't want to be married to anyone right now) but we are being friends.
My broken heart is mending.
Maybe it's kinda similar whether you get back with your mate or you move on alone. You have to mend your heart and mend your ways no matter what.
I'm changing. Letting go. Got control issues. It's ok, what I've done, but I know better now and can behave differently.
If I fall back wondering "why did he do this to us?" or thinking "I'm old and unattractive" or "I'm just a failure" -- well, then depression ding dongs, suitcase in hand.
But I've read "Feeling Good" (love you, Dr. David Burns) and that book told me such thinking is DISTORTED. That book gave me techniques for talking back to twisted thinking like "now or never, all or nothing, THIS MAN or nobody" or jumping to conclusions like "men are evil porn-obsessed pigs unable to love real women." This thinking might be common and SEEM reasonable but it is distorted and it hurts ME. I gotta tell the truth, get to the truth, and the distortions get me way off track.
Truth is my H fears aging as much as I do, suddenly wanted to UN-MATE and be free to taste MORE YOUTH, and ended our commitment. More truth: I got engulfed in fear (YELP, I'M ALSO GETTING OLD!), tiraded, made angry demands, and showed him only a swollen tomato face and balled up fists. He split? No wonder, honey.
Is he "winning" while I'm "losing" -- no, sad to say he isn't any more successful than (was it) Vasgo De Gama in finding the fountain of youth.
The "Feeling Good" book (love bibliotherapy!) taught me to poke fun at some of the most egregious distortions. So that I can look at my STBX Redhead (skinny, nearsighted, prematurely bald) and see that his horn-dog swaggering might just be a whole lotta posturing and bravado in the face of skull-and-crossbones mortality. It could have nothing to do with disgust toward Bridget, who by the way is still curvatious, sensual and responsive, not dried up & ready for the taxidermist.
Course you could think he's disgusted, the mean cold way he treated his wife, but really, it's HIS PROBLEM -- triggering my problems, yes, but not due to my inadequacy.
Michele's ideas and methods help untangle this mess.
We work on knowing we have OUR OWN ISSUES and we make amends for OUR OWN ERRORS -- and undoubtedly there is healing. Even if our spouses never come home.
I'm gonna feel inadquate when I'm rejected until I solve the basic issue I have with FEELING ADEQUATE FOR LIFE. This is what I gotta work on, with or witout a mate.
This I've learned. Still gotta practice it every day.
So thanks you all. I carry you in my heart. Your humor helps me every day. I walk the walk with yas.
Sorry if this is a hijack. Hug hug hug and lotsa love (and sweet soft breakfast rolls with orange icing),
