Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

Feeling better everyday. Last night the stuffyness did not get as bad as Wednesday so each day a little better. I slept so well last night! It was the coolest night here since July 1 so it was nice to have the windows open and cuddle under my comforter.

It is a daddy weekend which works out well because it is also MIL's birthday. I got her a bracelet with her birthstone all over it. It is beautiful and I got it cheap because my cousin lives in Peridot, AZ where they mine peridot and so it is really cheap.

I plan on getting some stuff done around the house...mow, rake, plant some grass seed. Get everything needed for S's birthday party which is a week from Sunday. It is the smallest party he has had, but that is because I haven't invited H and his family. I have gone back and forth on inviting them, but I just don't know SUGGESTIONS? I am leaning towards not inviting them because soon they will not be part of my life and they haven't tried to do anything with me and S since I filed, which I am fine with, but it makes me think to not invite them. However, my BIL's don't know yet so I feel bad that they have to miss out. Everyone lives together (I know pathetic ages 28, 25, 21) so I can't invite on person without them all. Plus I feel bad for H's grandma because she never gets to see him at all especially since his parents and brothers never get time with S (see above).

So I will take any advice, but I am personally leaning towards not inviting.

Today is test day and to start of the day I will be known as the ________________ because I am going to round up all the dress code violators and walk them down to the attendance office for discipline. Our dress code is no holes or fays above the knee and pants up so you can't see the behind. I see at least 20 students (who are not mine)everyday who do not follow these rules so I am going to get them today. I hate when students or anyone for that matter know a rule and feel they are entitled to not follow it.

In my case, the girls are older and understand that we are living separate lives. I promised D8 I'd invite STBXW to Medieval Times ... and I did, but was relieved when she turned me down.

I'm not including the inlaws on anything that the girls and I do together.

But that's me. You seem comfortable around his family and that's the key, what are you comfortable doing?

I didn't invite stbxh or his family...he wants to be divorced, so that means separate functions. IMO.

I'm in the don't invite camp. Your son won't know the difference since he's so young and it's best not to set a precedent that will be difficult to repeal later.

I think you need to look to what you want to see happen in the future b/c this will just be the first of many potential run-ins. Since this is the first post D filing event, it will set the precedence. Do you ever see yourself wanting to have any joint celebrations/holidays with H’s family in the future? (besides the obvious of S’s graduations and wedding {obviously way in the future} that can’t be avoided). Also, would you ever want to be included in any of their celebrations with S? I think it also depends what kind of party it is. If it’s at your house that’s a little more of your personal space, so I could see you definitely not wanting them there. However, if it’s at a park for example, it’s a little less formal and more open, and you wouldn’t have to feel so obligated to “host” them. Just some things to think about. It’s hard b/c it’s all new. I’m not sure what I would do in your sitch. For me, it would definitely be more about H’s family not H, since I am close to them. If H wants to be D’d, then that’s his choice, but it’s unfortunate you really just can’t invite H’s family and not H.

I agree, don't invite them. H can have his own little party with his relatives, if he is inclined, or perhaps grandma could do one.

I think I am going to go with not inviting them. To answer some of the questions, I wouldn't mind having them around. To me, it doesn't matter either way, but I do not want to get used to having to do everything together. This party wouldn't be a problem because my brother will be on vacation and he hates H. He wouldn't do anything, but still it would be awkward, and with H living with his parents, i can't invite them without him.

I am having the party at my house so it would be a little awkward and looking at the weather report...right now they are saying rain so I don't want H's parents walking around my house noticing how H is out of everything. That would be awkward.

I would like it is they invite me to stuff with S involved, but really it is something to get used to. Everything is mostly between me and H, not the in-laws so it is between H and them to see S more. That burden is off my shoulders. Most of the time, I will have S the weekend before his b-day and H the weekend after so we both get to see him close to his b-day and probably for forever we will all (H, S and myself) go out to eat on S's actual b-day so really not a big deal.

Thanks for all the help!

Today i am going to finish vacuuming my car and then off to buy S's b-day present and supplies for the party next week.

So a little weirdness. I have been feeling better and better, however after H picked up S yesterday, I decided to do some much needed yard work. Actually not much to do because there hasn't been rain here in probably 3 weeks so nothing is growing, but I needed to mow and then I raked, planted some grass seed (fall blend) then watered. After all of that my allergies really kicked in and by the time H came to drop off S, I was the worst I had been all week. My eyes were watery, my nose completely stuffed (whereas all day it was running which is a positive change), my voice was semi-gone due to drainage in my throat. It was bad so the weird thing is H keeps saying, "if you want to take some allergy medicine and want S and I to just hang at the house we will". "If you need anything please let me know." "Really S and I can hang out at the house if you are feeling bad." This continued this morning too when H got S. Totally weird...

Yes, given the situation and with the party being at your house and all, not inviting them definitely sounds like the best idea. It's interesting that you want the group outing with H tho for S's actual b-day to continue on. H has chosen not to be a family, so I'm not sure I would give him that benefit. S is pretty young, so he may not remember that the group dinner is "suppose" to happen from his 1st and 2nd b-days. He is 3 now and obviously more aware, so you are going to be getting some precedences with him too. Do you really want H to be joining you for the rest of your lives? I know it will suck for you in some ways b/c you might (depending on H) have to give up S on his every other b-day, but this is a D and that is some of the sorrows we must face. If that's a tradition you would like to keep, it's definitely up to you, but just something to think about too.

Regarding H's comments to stay around and help, it's hard to say what his exact motivations were. In any case, it's not surprising to say that H still cares. Despite what our H's have put us thru, we still care and would do something to help them out (within reason) too. You have developed feelings for someone over a long period of time and they just don't go away instantly (even though, sometimes we wish they would to protect our own hearts). Just keep doing what you can. If you need the help, take it, but try not to look too much into it either.

Hope your weekend went well. Were you able to get all the party stuff bought? One more week until our S's parties! Yay! =)

I agree. I am not looking into H's actions anymore than what they are. I just thought it was weird because for 17 months he hasn't cared one bit about me or S, and now all the sudden he does care about me. Just weird.

About the birthday, I hear you, but at the same time I am not willing to not see S on his birthday every other year. I am the one who carried him for 9 months. I am the one who was in labor for 26 hours. I am the one who pushed for 2.5 hours. I am the one who stayed up with him while he cried and cried every night for 6 weeks (except one night H gave me a break). I am the one who has been there for him every single day for the past 3 years. NOT H. I agree it may get strange as S gets older, but at the same rate, as S gets older, it won't be as big of a deal to do something on his birthday with his family. He will want to be out with his friends or girlfried, etc. For right now, to be fair and because I will want H to do the same thing with me if he has him over his actual birthday that we will at least do dinner together.

My weekend was alright. I did get everything for S's birthday so I am excited, but my allergies are still bad. All of my friends have the same thing going on so I am not worried, it is just very draining to have this and still work, but it seems that I do better when I am moving so being at work will help. Over the weekend, by 5 pm or 6pm I am so stuffed that I can't breath.

Saturday, H dropped off 15 minutes early and was looking at the clock the whole time he dropped off. We have started H staying for 15-30 minutes after he drops off S to transistion and it seems to be helping because S is much less fussy when H leaves. It is nice because I can ask S questions about his day and H will help S explain so I know exactly what is happening. I did let H know I was a little perturbed that he came back early because I was not ready. I was still in my relax before S comes back mode. Plus what if I wasn't home yet or something else. He said S wanted to come back early, but that is not what S told me. H knows he has S only two days every two weeks and really only 1 day and 3 hours so why drop him off early. If he had plans, he needs to not have anything start until 8 so we can transition S and he has time to get wherever he wants to go.

This week will be busy. Tonight my friend who got D'd is coming over for dinner. Tomorrow is my early day at work and prayer at night. Wednesday is nothing. Thursday I am taking off to take S to his first dentist appointment. (I asked H to go too, but he won't take off of work...surprise surprise). Friday we are going to see the ND band march out. Saturday is making S's cake, a mushroom to go along with his mario theme. S wants three cakes, one luigi, one bowser and one mushroom, but he is only getting one. Sunday is the party. Monday is relax because it is Labor Day.

When it comes to the legal system, the "birth" card isn't going to work. If he fights for every other birthday he's likely to get it. Perhaps I'm touchy because I'm a dad, but I would be mad as h*ll if STBXW tried to play the "I gave birth to them" card when it came to birthdays or holidays.

There were two people there when the child was conceived.