Just watched a cheesy Nickelodeon made-for-TV movie with D6 and the closing song lyrics (especially the bold part) jumped out at me ... thought I'd share ...
Everything Can Change
Do do do do do do There's no easy way to figure out Why everything we planned gets turned around Nothing accidental, got it down to a T So why do things never end the way you think there gonna be If all that's for sure is that no one knows then don't be too quick to decide
Cause everything can change when you least expect it Can't stop what you can't control Gotta learn how to just let go Everything can change No, you can't perfect it Some things you can't explain Yeah!
Ooooooooooooooooooo Do do do do do do do Ooooooooooooooooooo
There's no easy way to plan ahead Can't wait to get there, but we end up here instead Anything can happen, usually does Somethings turned out much better, the way it is with us If all that's for sure is that no one knows, then don't be too quick to decide
Cause everything can change when you least expect it Can't stop what you can't control Gotta learn how to just let go Everything can (oh! ) change No you can't perfect it Somethings you can't explain Everything can change when you least expect it Can't stop what you can't control Gotta learn how to just let go
Everything (yeah) can change No, you can't perfect it Somethings you can't explain Everything can change (everything can change) Can't stop what you can't control Gotta learn how to just let go Everything can change, everything can change Somethings you can't explain Everything can change
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
What does this mean for me personally? My happiness, and more importantly, my entire sense of self worth was for a long time tied to the validation I received in the form of attention and approval from others, mostly - but not only - men. It started at a very young age when I learned that bringing good grades home got approval from mom and, the one I was really looking for, dad. Dad was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic but here we had common ground. He put stock in good grades. I became the "smart one". As I got older my need for approval shifted from my parents to my peer group but I still had the need for male attention ... and at that age, I discovered the best way to get attention was not with good grades (just the opposite really) but with sexuality. I even became a cheerleader (not really my style) because it was part of the image. I liked the company and attention of boys ... the more the merrier. Anyone who has read my sitch knows where this is going ... lets just say it gets worse before it gets better.
Now, the other part of this is that my best friend, and I mean friend - not the kind with benefits - during my entire childhood was a guy. Our moms were best friends and we became friends at the age of 5. We stayed friends until highschool. Our friendship taught me that guys were just less complicated than girls. There was so much less cattiness (sp?) and competition ... no bitchiness and viciousness. I was bullied by a girl from grade one to grade 8 so I know plenty about just how vicious girls on the playground can be. I hung out with and learned to love the joking banter and one-up-man-ship in the guys circles. No hairspray, no PMS, no hidden-3-way calls about who is talking about who. Nope. It was awesome.
PEI.....Something about all of this is kinda disturbing to me.
That you can be absolutely judgmental about other women, and what you assume they are going to be like, without actually taking that chance....
Yet completely 100% differently NON-judgmental about the attention of men.
For me, it would seem to be the exact ingredient needed to fuel a "cougar" mentality.
Are you comfy with this ?
And the kind of men, that actually attracts ?
I mean comfortable enough to pass that down to a daughter?
PEI.....Something about all of this is kinda disturbing to me.
That you can be absolutely judgmental about other women, and what you assume they are going to be like, without actually taking that chance....
Yet completely 100% differently NON-judgmental about the attention of men.
For me, it would seem to be the exact ingredient needed to fuel a "cougar" mentality.
Are you comfy with this ?
And the kind of men, that actually attracts ?
I mean comfortable enough to pass that down to a daughter?
Whoa Nelly!!!!!!! Dude? Seriously? Did you just call me a cougar? Nice. Happy Little Friday to you too.
My opinions on relationships with women are based on my experience. I grew up in a very small place, went to very small elementary and highschools and unfortunately a bunch of the girls I was exposed to were nasty. The bullies I ran into on the playground were girls, long before sex and sexuality entered the playing field. Am I now absolutely judgemental about women? Not at all. I now have and maintain very close friendships with many women, I just don't like the drama associated with what appears to be, in my opinion and based on my experience, a lot of women. Ask around, I bet I'm not the only one who thinks so. That being said, I also believe in a very deep sisterhood. My entire family is mostly women, and we are very close and multigenerational ... sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, great aunts, grand-daughters, daughters ...
The flip side is that I also enjoy friendships with men in general, but not necessarily all men. I am not 100% non-judgemental about the attention of men. Trust me, I am more than knowledgeable about the potential motivations and intentions of many men. All too familiar in fact.
Ya gotta love the judgement that gets attached to a woman who can interact in a man's world, if she chooses to do so in an open playful way. Nobody judges the men ... oh, no ... they're just having fun ... gimme a break. And "the kind of men that attracts"? I'm talking friendships ... banter, fun ... not attracting someone ... see, I do believe that men and women can be friends. But if we're talking attraction, I would expect that it would attract men who enjoy women who are relaxed and can have fun without the drama.
Did you hit a nerve? Yep. But not for the reasons you might have expected. I am VERY conscious of what I am passing on to my daughter. You have no idea. I am also aware of the fact that unfortunately many parents do not always think through the potential ramifications of their actions/behaviours on their kids. I am NOT one of those parents.
What I am passing on to my daughter is a confidence that she is OK just the way she is, and that she can choose her friends from either gender pool. She should choose her friends based on their personalities, commonalities, values, interests, etc. I will teach her to open to everyone, yet aware of the motives and expectations of those around her.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I think the word here that may be causing the "rub" is "judgemental".
Try replacing it with "observational"
I have read about and now am aware of the way "men" relate to each other and to women. (in general, meaning not all men)
I have read about and now am aware of the way "women" relate to each other and to men. (in general, meaning not all women)
Now that I am aware and understand I have been able to "Observe" these relationship interactions just sitting and watching people.
I think the things that PEI points out about men and women are hallmarks of how each sex relates in general. Could be that PEI prefers the relationship dynamics of men over those of women.
I do not see a problem with that as long as you are aware of that dynamic in an intimate, loving relationship with a person of the opposite sex.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
You almost had me. You really did. I think you need to dig a lot deeper.
Originally Posted By: PEI
What does this mean for me personally? My happiness, and more importantly, my entire sense of self worth was for a long time tied to the validation I received in the form of attention and approval from others, mostly - but not only - men.
Mine too.
Originally Posted By: PEI
Am I still searching outside myself for validation .... to validate my worthiness, my sexiness, my attractiveness, my appeal?
Are you sure of this statement? Really sure that you are not looking for attention, maybe not validation exactly any more, but attention from men?
Because that attention is validating, regardless?
Originally Posted By: PEI
So ... what's the deal then? I like men. You guys are alright. I like the banter. I enjoy the fun. And more than ever, I like women too (no Grit ... not like that ... I'm not wearing the shirt!) ... as long as they are the kind that don't like drama and can relax and have some fun.
PEI, this was ok, sorta. Right up until your sexual aside to Grit. You made an assumption of the thoughts that your comment would bring, and couldn’t pass up the chance for a response. (Which you got BTW.)
Originally Posted By: PEI
My opinions on relationships with women are based on my experience. I grew up in a very small place, went to very small elementary and highschools and unfortunately a bunch of the girls I was exposed to were nasty.
Maybe it is time to let go of that part of your life.
Originally Posted By: PEI
Am I now absolutely judgemental about women? Not at all. I now have and maintain very close friendships with many women, I just don't like the drama associated with what appears to be, in my opinion and based on my experience, a lot of women. Ask around, I bet I'm not the only one who thinks so.
Because this statement shows that you haven’t. You are still using those experiences, to justify your apprehension of women.
Originally Posted By: PEI
I am not 100% non-judgemental about the attention of men. Trust me, I am more than knowledgeable about the potential motivations and intentions of many men. All too familiar in fact.
But you still bring the sexual aside into it?
Originally Posted By: PEI
Ya gotta love the judgement that gets attached to a woman who can interact in a man's world, if she chooses to do so in an open playful way. Nobody judges the men ... oh, no ... they're just having fun ... gimme a break. And "the kind of men that attracts"? I'm talking friendships ... banter, fun ... not attracting someone ... see, I do believe that men and women can be friends.
Personally, I didn’t see any judgment of it, although I will agree that women do get judged more harshly than men in this arena.
Honestly, PEI, been there, done that. When you interact in a man’s world, you have to be willing to accept that judgement. If it bothers you, then there is a reason. A sting. A part of you that thinks it is wrong.
I still have a hard time forming friendships with women. Partly because of my desire to stay out of the drama, and partly because many women have a hard time with a woman who is comfortable in a man’s world.
You know what I have learned though?
It is much easier to have those “friendships” that you are talking about, when you totally remove the sexuality from it. You have to be able to set up the boundaries in your own mind. For you. And you have to know that it is ok to NOT cross them, even if your intentions may be pure and innocent.
Once you do, even verbally, that door is open. And the relationship is different. Now it is male/female, instead of two people being friends.
So why do I like men? Honestly, how many women do you know that can carry on a conversation about the engine of a car, the actual technicalities of a sport, fishing, hunting, etc? Those are MY interests. Find me a woman who not only can talk about those things, but likes to do them, and she would probably be someone I might become friends with.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Nope....I think you need to read again, maybe after the 48 hour rule ?
I hope I did strike a nerve.....Never been afraid of that.
To quote a really good friend...
I'm not your friend, I'm your support.
But you are thinkin now....
Really? Does my sense of humor just skip on by???
And yep, thinkin ... thinkin you missed my point.
The nerve? Yep, not the men/women relational nerve ... the parenting nerve. I felt judged ... so I'm looking at that. Why did it bother me? Mostly because you don't know me as a parent. I've posted extensively about myself and my issues, but not much about my parenting style or philosophy. And I'm ok, actually more than ok, with the job I do as mommy. So I'll leave you to your opinion.
And yes, I realize you are support, and it's appreicated, it really is. I have done the work on this piece ... I've got lots left to do in MANY areas, but I've done a lot of the diggin' here.
I just choose to not be confined by societal standards of acceptable behaviour for men and women ... why? Because they are gender biased and arbitrary. Funny, I wonder ... if I were a lesbian and chose to mostly hang out with and joke around with men in the same fashion as I do now ... would anyone have a problem with it? I would guess not. Why is that?
Yep, J3B hit me with that one already .... thanks for the reminder.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
