I am new here as well and I need to reread your thread. I have been busy working on my own issues. But I saw your request for help. What I can recommend is to first do a lot of reflection/soul searching and asked yourself why the A happened? Be honest with yourself. My A happened due to low self-esteem, but in all honesty I was it was probably more narcissistic behavior than I care to admit.
That was the first thing I did when my W left me. Have you sought IC because you need someone you can help you see objectively. Don't settle on just any IC do a little investigation and interview them.
Did you read DB/DR? Do that and begin to id your goals (attainable) and develop a plan to achieve them. What I have learned reading and being coached by some of the best on this site is follow the phases of reconciliation (look at my thread and read what Coach wrote me.
My path is more difficult because my W will not communicate with me. I thought of LRT, but that would just conform to my W's goals (I don't know what they are, but at this stage no comm = D). So I am working on getting rid of my W's negative feelings by emailing with items that are relevant to her. This is a juggling act for me because I don't want to email her too frequently so as not to push.
The second step is developing a friendship with her so all of my emails have been positive in control and a dash of humor with 2 of them to show a little confidence. Or as Coach likes to call it catnip.
The second step is developing a friendship with her so all of my emails have been positive in control and a dash of humor with 2 of them to show a little confidence. Or as Coach likes to call it catnip.
I think Coach has slightly different definition for catnip.
What are you telling her in your e-mails?
Are you telling her how much fun you had in town with the boys?
Or you went to see a game or a concert? Gambling in Mohegan?
You need to GAL and then she would start wondering. That's catnip.
1st email was telling her that I was okay with her leaving and that I saw it coming and agreed that we needed time alone.
[b]2nd email[/b] I told her that as much as I wanted our M to work that she was right that it will not and so I let her go. I also told her that I was not angry with her, but angry at myself for giving her reasons to leave and not enough Love, Security and Respect to stay. 3rd email was to forward a message to her about her Dr's appointment.
4th email was a simple Hi, I hope your orientation is going well.
5th email was to reascend the 2nd email. That I was frustrated and wanted our M to work and realized that she may not be at that point and I understood that, but that I was where I am.
6th email was the open invitation to have a coffee or diet coke and again I told her that I realize that she may not be ready to meet, but that was an open invite. (I know pushing).
7th email was to respond to her mail request yesterday.
pookie I am not playing games. I am following the advice of the vets and reading and learning everyday. I made this mess I at least want to try and clean it up.
You are right about GAL and catnip. I am working out in a gym, but the problem is it is mostly solo workouts. I need socialization and not dating or as Coach says cougar bars. I don't want to add to the complexity of the sitch. I thought about acting class...who know it is outside my comfort zone, but maybe that is what I need.
To IWS - here are concrete things to do. You have to fix yourself before you can fix your marriage. If you are not willing to do that, then file for divorce.
The most important thing you have to do first since you cheated is:
GET TESTED IMMEDIATELY FOR SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES.
I noticed you seemed to skip over the advice I offered earlier, go tomorrow to a local doctor and clinic and get tested to see if the woman who cheated with you passed on any diseases.
The clinic will explain it in more detail, but essentially you be going to get tested every three months for the next year bc some diseases take longer to manifest.
You put yourself in this position, then you need to do what it takes to get out of it. If can't take that simple first step, then the tips below are useless.
You can't say that you want to be with your wife unless you know that you are healthy.
1. Go to an individual counseling 2. Figure out why you cheated on your wife 3. Figure out why you lied to your wife 4. Identify the triggers in your life that led to your cheating and eliminate them 5. Consider what may be future triggers 6. Make sure your counselor understands that you may be mentally ill, e.g., depression or narcism-related. Take medications as directed. 7. Create goals for yourself for the next 18 months (or your counselor may have longer or shorter time frames) 8. Follow through on the goals you set for yourself. 9. Begin discussions with wife to see if you can reconcile in marriage.
