Just thought I'd drop in on your sitch and say hello. Although our sitch's are different, there are some haunting similarities too. I'm really glad to see see the Vets stepping in and throwing the 2x4's and I loved your attitude about receiving them. hahaha.
I've never heard of that "Gay Friend" assessment, but Rob has made one hell of a selling point on it.
I think you can rebuild the trust issues alone just by standing up for yourself and not letting her control you with the T&A show. I mean look how much you are there for her! At some point you have to to ask yourself "what's in it for me?"
I'm only replying since you asked - clearly I'm no expert (see my own sitch) but I am willing to offer you one female's perspective.
Nothing you can do can control how she is going to classify you. She is going to decide if she wants you as a platonic friend or if she views you as something more romantic. She is going to decide where to put you.
All you can do is control your own self. Make yourself a more attractive person to be around - looks and personality. Cologne, dressed nicely, being happy and funny are all attractive features.
The one problem with your sitch though is how to work on YOURSELF FOR YOURSELF and also not lose any trust she has in you because of your past history of EA's. So I don't have any good advice for you, other than don't get too caught up in trying to act a certain way to prevent her from categorizing you - just be the best 'Bustorama' you can be, inside and out. Take care of your appearance, and act in ways that make yourself proud. Clear as mud?
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
i dont think its the gay friend thing, seems to be more like eww get the mouse back in the house thing....just my .02
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
Rob and MM, ya I've regained my sense of humor about everything, including the situation. I joke about stuff all the time in my IC too. No matter how things turn out, I know me and the girls will be fine. Some of my single girl friends have commented that my perma-grin "is back."
Faith, ya, I know I shouldn't settle and supplicate for crumbs and standing up for myself can only help myself (and hopefully the R).
MM, love the advice re: being the best, sexiest, proudest bustorama I can be for that sake alone and not towards manipulating an outcome.
Had fun at the concert with kiddos. W arrived late cause of traffic. Nothing really eventful happened one way or other R-wise. Our D5 is starting kindergarten this year and has her first open house tomorrow so we made plans for that. W called and texted me a few times tonight with stuff related to that and D5's upcoming bday party. She asked me to pick her up on the way to open house. I agreed and whispered sweet nothings in her ear while oiling up her corns and callouses and shellacking her floors.
Seriously though, I'm back to the question of the anniversary dinner date -- Puppy previously said he thought it was an ok thing to do given where we are in our sitch. After all the latest @$$ rubbing, T&A, etc. shenanigans do people still feel the same way? I still feel like it would be "the right" thing to do to recognize our anniversary by asking her out to dinner (though not some over the top romantic hideaway, more like fun cocktails place and cool restaurant scene). One pro of doing this is that if she says no or shows almost no physical affection through the end of the date, I'd also CLEARLY know where things stood and could REALLY focus on myself rather than her or a warming R.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I agreed and whispered sweet nothings in her ear while oiling up her corns and callouses and shellacking her floors.
Make it a date and not a anniversary dinner. Get your mojo on. Be catnip.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Man, I could build a palatial log cabin with the 2x4's I'm getting today, hehe.
Coach says I am doing ok overall, but need to step up my (lame) game, stop drowning W in my fire hose of pursuit, and stop being childish and needy.
MM78 tells me I'm still overescalating and one-upping her, bringing condoms to the PTA meeting.
A whole herd of people are telling me I am her emasculated, gay, no chance in a million years friend.
And her love bucket has holes to boot.
Good times!!! Let's see what I can eff up 2nite =) Hehe
I'm curious if ANYONE disagrees with the gay friend assessment.
If not, is the only way out of that to not allow myself to stay in that category (going dimmer and not accepting overtures unless there is clearly some expression in the overture of you are not my gay friend)? The part I struggle with is don't I still have a responsibility to help rebuild trust and make amends for the EA's? Doesn't going dark and "demanding" her to do all the pursuit go against that?
busto...
What some of us learned the hard way is allowing your wife to cheat on you and allowing her to bully you behind it, and cut you out will eat out of your masculine side...
It literally is as if being put into a "gay" role, where you can help them out, they won't take a step towards you, they will see other males as viable masculine candidates, they will have sex with them, they will not have sex with you and project weakness into you by the way they are looking at you.
Not good. I think robx nailed it, I knew this too.
What some of us learned the hard way is allowing your wife to cheat on you and allowing her to bully you behind it, and cut you out will eat out of your masculine side...
I agree with the above.
However, my wife is not cheating on me. If she was, I would not be speaking to her at all, and I would have already filed for divorce. It's a dealbreaker boundary for me, and I told her this early on.
Where in my sitch do you see my wife "bullying" me?
I don't know many women that are "scared" and "terrified" of opening themselves to their gay best friends???
What I see is her being NEEDY wanting me to help her even while she wants to be separated from me (a bit of cake eating) and me overpursuing her, being oversupplicating and settling for less than I deserve.
Last edited by bustorama; 08/27/1006:09 PM.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Yesterday had open house for my 2 older D's at school. W met us there. I was more social than I was last year and talked with a bunch of people (moms and a few dads) that I had met over the summer while GALing and being out at activities with girls. W was kind of cranky about something that happened to her at coffee shop on way there. I validated and empathized. She eventually left for work, and I took girls for rest of day.
W met us at first soccer practice for D5, where I will be an assistant coach. Met other parents and had fun practice with girls. D5 loved it. W brought Subway sandwiches for us to eat. She was all stressed out when practice ended, said she was freezing. I told her I understood, yeah it was cold, especially since she hadn't been running around. She said she was going to stay while me and D5 ate. She kept complaining about how cold it was, I told her she could leave if she wanted to, but I wanted to eat with D5 there. She keeps saying how cold she is, then it seems that D2 is also getting cold, so I say yeah it's cold why don't we all go. I go to say bye to other parents, W says she doesn't want to and keeps leaving. W acting all agitated the whole way back to cars. Then she asks me if I am upset about something (projection much???). I say, no, I'm doing fine. I ask her how she's feeling and she says she is cold, still seems agitated.
In separate cars, she calls me as we drive away. She again asks me if I was angry about something. I tell her I am not angry, but I am a little annoyed that she is acting agitated towards me, and I'm not sure why. I ask her, "what's up?"
She says that she felt so uncomfortable at the soccer practice with all the other married parents and the perfect moms with their perfect lives. I validate and empathize, tell her I understand how she could feel that way and I could see it would be hard to stay there and socialize feeling that way. I say, but hey that's what our life is right now, and if anyone has a problem with our life that's their problem. I say everyone has problems of some sort and if anyone hassles her or makes her feel uncomfortable, I'm supportive of her.
Later W calls me at home and says she needs to get cupcake cookbook and cupcake tin from house. I say sure I'll leave it on front porch for her so it won't disrupt me getting the D's ready for bed. W comes into house (I apparently left garage door and back door open on way into house). I go downstairs with girls and she starts going off about door being open. I calmly tell her I will close the door, and I would not tolerate her speaking to me like a child. W's eyes start to well up, and I ask her what is up with her? What is going on? She says she is sad, it's not about you or wanting to get back together with you. I say that's fine, I can see she is upset, what's up? She says she is just sad and leaves. Kids start to melt down cause of her coming and going so quickly.
I call her on phone and tell her I am upset that she just came into the house and left the way she did and got the girls all upset, and I did not want her to just come into the house like that again when we agreed about the picking up of the pan. That I would never do the same thing to her at her apartment. W said again about the garage doors being open. She again sounds like she is losing it on phone. I ask her what is going on with her???? She says again she is sad about the married parents and us being broken up. She doesnt want to get back together with me cause she is still so angry at me and hurt. I tell her I understand how hurt and angry she feels, and I apologize for hurting her the way I did with my affairs. I tell her I will call her back after putting kids to bed and she agrees (this has never happened before where she wanted to talk about the EA's after talking about them for even 2-3 minutes).
When I call her back, we talk for about 30 minutes with me validating and empathizing with her hurt and apologizing for different ways that I had hurt her in my EAs. It is by far the longest that we've talked about them since they happened, and with neither of us yelling, just communicating. She tells me that she really feels she wants to get back together but she still has anger and the fear. I validate and empathize and apologize more, mention things I have done to make amends for hurting her (the infidelity books say doing this helps) and she says, yeah I have noticed lots of changes you've made. She says she feels closer to me and trusts me more, but she's not there yet. I mention both a specific MC I have found that helps with intimacy after infidelity that might be useful for us and also bring up the possibility of a retrouvaille weekend. She says she is not ready for that yet, and she also wants to do more healing her way. I tell her I understand and thank her for sharing her feelings with me.
So, from our talk, I really think the discomfort with physical intimacy isn't the gay best friend thing, but the I'm still hurt and angry thing. I saw some good signs in our talk -- that she said she felt closer and safer and wanted to be with me, that she didn't start raging/lashing out/crying even when talking about the EA's directly and could talk about it (so her hurt is a little less), and I was able to communicate with her how sorry I was for hurting her, some of the amends I had made and some possibilities for future healing, without doing it in a begging or pleading fashion. I respected her feelings not to do MC or retrouvaille now and didn't push them at all, just threw them out to her as options for her to empower herself to heal.
These are some of the R talks I think we have to have every now and then towards reconciliation. For now, I will keep focusing on being a fun, attractive, funny, and safe Bustorama - try to make the positives of being with me even more attractive than her fears of being hurt again. Thoughts?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I think that you did fine with the exception of when you mentioned MC and Retro. Wait til she asks about MC. She's been out of your house for 3 months now, and is feeling the loss of attachment.
You need to keep your focus like you said: fun, attractive, funny, safe. She's scared/sad, and she wants someone strong and confident yet humble. If you've read "Hold Onto Your N.U.Ts" it's time to be the Rock.
