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Thanks, Sunny.
I'be been busy most of the weekend trying to read and come to trms with my thoughts and feelings.

I have always enjoyed "my music" (being a musician,too,) but I have found recently it isn't doing what it used to. I am currently unable to play but only listen. (I plan on getting a space to play soon.) The thoughts about the situation and my self-analysis/improvements are so pervasive I don't hear it or can't focus on it.



I now see that our feelings are ALL to be used for our benefit. I have always been a 'feeling swallower' and it is an unhealthy pattern. I am now beginning to appreciate and express the as well as understand and deal with them. (Thank you Susan Campbell-'Getting Real')

Thanks again Sunny for your insight, I appreciate your checking up on me.

I have to find a way to prepare for these things. The thing I do notice is that I find myself more stable and self-assured on average but now the 'spikes" in feelings come quicker and harder. They do however, fade quicker now, too.

yesterday was the highest spike of anger I have ever felt since the beginning of this mess. Yet it was "done' in under an hour. Normally, a funk would last at least a day.

this ^ is HUGE!

Interesting reading here.

It seems that many DBers go through various stages as in Kubler-Ross scale (shock, anger, bargaining, grief, acceptance). The distinguishing difference between Kubler-Ross and DBing is that during DBing we do not actually go through these stages as strictly Kubler-Ross per se; instead, we experience varying degrees of detachment and trying to achieve a delicate balance in the detachment dance.

Attachment: Being unnaturally connected to a person where the other person's actions affect you in numerous ways. There is a strong element of emotional connection (anger, "why-me", crying, pity parties...etc)
Detachment: Not hooking your wagon to another person's actions or inactions. There is some level love in the relationship/friendship. the constant re-winding of the DB/post-bomb review and obsessing about OW/OM ceases completely
Indifference : Truly not caring about the outcome either way and not feeling any "love" toward the person. It can be a very slippery slope for newbies in the DB continuum

Based on recent posts, CD, it seems that you are struggling between the attachment and detachment stages. Not yet fully arrived at the detachment stage as evidenced by the "self-righteous" postings and musings about W's evolution along her path. It is what it is.

You cannot stand around and engage in navel gazing by your lonesome self for much longer, buddy. After a while, it gets pretty stale and boring.

Let's end this on a positive note: How are you doing in terms of GALing?

Interesting stages, Wonka. I guess we move in and out of attachment/detachment until we get to indifference.

CD: you're right - feeling swallowing is NOT good! It doesn't benefit anyone, as you now know.

I agree - an hour vs a day IS huge!!!

Hi, Wonka.

Thanks for the post.

I have a couple of questions for clarity.


I aiming for the detachment, right? My understanding is that though there is a portion (bold) of indifference I am looking for, surely the "no love" is not the intention here.

My understanding was I was aiming at the underlined stuff.

If I'm off target, I'd appreciate the heads up.



This is the second or third time I've heard "self-righteous". Could you point to some examples as I'm unclear what you are referring to.

And though I am pointing out/musing the "changes' in her behaviour, it is more about talking the situation out and noting the differences. If it's best that I say nothing about it, no problem.

I'll accept whatever she is doing as "what it is" with no expectations or changes on my part. So until she says "He is gone and I'd like to dicuss the R", I'll stop noting/analyzing or posting these things.

Thanks for the pointer.


Is this what you are referring to about my musings or my focus on addressing my own issues whilst losing focus on the GAL'ing?

To your last question regarding the GAL'ing, I'm not doing too much of it as I'm working instead on my own issues and false beliefs that affects how I interact with anyone and everyone.

Clearing the house and making it comfortable for me.

I'll try to add more GAL'ing as I'm finding some of my answers are becoming clearer.

PS My October is full. Two trips planned already on weekends I don't have D2.

I don't think that's what he meant at all CD. Don't stop posting it though - if you're feeling it and thinking it, put it here. Otherwise, you'll just be swallowing it again. Kapish?

Besides, if you don't post it, when I am going to get the chance to use the phrase 'slippery slope'?


Can you teach me how to do this? Cause I still aint got it down.

Yes, the spikes... sometimes they come out of nowhere, and they're like that damn gnat you keep swatting at but never seem to hit, and it keeps buzzing around your ear.

I think the secret is just being happy all by yourself. That works for me 99.8% of the time.

Part of it is making little goals and achieving them, part of it is enjoying things in the moment (take time to list things you are grateful for in your life), and part of it is accepting that the whole mess is just proving I am a tough dude.

Actually the 'loss' of a M or R has been studied to resemble the Kubler Ross model. The way I remember it, the stages are not really followed in a particular order. Some people even skip certain stages. Spend more time in one than another, move through them in cycles, etc... It's not a linear progression - more of a chaotic dance.

Be careful of mixing up feelings with intuition. Feelings can be way off track - wrong assumptions, mind reading, incorrect perceptions of what is 'really' going on can cause a myriad of unhealthy thoughts which then trigger corresponding feelings. We already had the lesson on our total insane belief we can somehow predict the future or even claim to know what current events even mean.

Expression of the feelings by talking about them is one thing, movement based on them is another. Yes, confront your feelings. Put them out there. That doesn't mean when you're angry you need to get violent, it means when you're angry, you say you're angry. Big difference.

I meant accepting things as 'what is' and it having no effect on me...lol. That my friend, is the detachment I still seek.


This cracked a big smile on my face...

It is a progression for DBers to transition from being emotionally attached to the WAS to detachment. By detachment is not being overly focused on what the WAS elects to do or not to do. It is a path that these WASes need to walk through for whatever reasons they feel compelled to do (yeah...even some of the silly antics!) and you are not emotionally affected by these actions even though the love still burns inside your heart for the WAS.

Indifference is devoid of love or hate for the person. You just simply are no longer invested in the process or the outcome. It is often when DBer's have done a great deal of introspection, self-examination, and conducting a through autopsy of the M that they have reached the conclusion that being D is not a "sign of failure" but a necessary step for personal growth...this is where the indifference comes in. Loving detachment is where one can convey that YOU are still present for support, but do not necessarily agree with the course of action and are not affected emotionally (examples abound--a 3 year-old throwing a tantrum in the toy store because she wants that specific toy and you said "no", your teenager wanting to go to a party where parents are not around to supervise--they pout and scream that "you're not open-minded!", etc).

Indifference will be people like me. I don't care what XW does or does not do nowadays. I am not feeling the love for her nor have for years. Hate is not present either. When you feel either love or hate...you are still attached.




Here is one example:



This is to be expected as you progress with self-realization and self-actualization. Your musings are YOURS alone and you can only take the full ownership of these musings. I wanted to caution you about glimmers of self-righteousness that occasionally arise in your noggin. Saving the M means checking your pride at the doorstep. Please continue with your musings!



Posting about one's musings and ruminations are fine as long as one does not get paralyzed in over analysis. Sounds eerily familiar, heh? It is even good to get away from this site from time to time and focus on activities that bring you joy. For me, it is being on the golf course and hitting pimply balls that bring me utter joy.

Steady has a good point:



This is precisely what we mean by being SMART in DBing. Feelings can and do get clouded because YOU are invested in this. Hence your own Peanut Gallery here to point you in the right "direction" with the caveat that X, Y, or Z may or may not work on a certain day.

I think it is time for you to test the waters with W. Do you know for certain that she received a job offer with the other dealership? If yes, then I'd send her a congratulatory card. Nothing mushy...mind you! Something related to photography or Spanish/Mayan themes. That will induce a happy memory for W and will bring up positive feelings associated with these items.