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Greek

@Pinhead
Looking at your joining date and 'specs' I'm pretty certain I'm not. But I'd be interested in any input you might have since you're on the flipside.

@TimeHeals
Thanks for making me smile if only for a sec. As for the control issues, I'll own that. My whole life I've been forced to do everything, to fix everything and blamed for everything so it's my nature.

@Puppy & Greek

I get that the forum is anonymous but H has invaded my privacy many times before. He feels like my/our problems should only be discussed between him and I and there is nothing I can get from the outside world that is going to make this better. I feel like even this simple exchange could set him off. I'm just so tired of arguing. I can't do it anymore.

It's crazy because it really seems so simple. I wish I could say that H beat me or cheated but the bottom line is he has just killed my spirit. I was damaged goods when he found me coming from an abusive home and I admit to having emotional issues. I feel like the dog that has gotten kicked everyday at random times for the past 10+ yrs. I have tried to blend into the woodwork and have reached the speak only when spoken to. I analyze every step I take throughout the day trying to make sure that I don't do something that has set him off in the past. I know I should let things go but past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

He has admitted that he has treated me bad in the past but then get's mad at me because I won't just forget everything. I can't just stop the tension that rolls over me the minute I hear him wake up. I can't just stop the knots that are in my stomach when he is in the room. I'm actually shaking just trying to get this out. I can't just shake the feeling that if he finds this I have hours of being yelled out. I'm tired, just so tired.

I'm rambling again. I don't feel like anything useful is coming out. I just feel so hopeless.

Have y'all done any counseling together?
Greek

We have and do but most of the time he doesn't say much. He believes it's my problems so he just has to wait to be told what I want him to do or be. I know I'm not perfect and I've asked what things he needs and he throws it back to me.

Do you work outside of the home? Do you have the means to leave? I'm not suggesting that is what you should do - just exploring your options.

You are walking on eggshells through your one and only life, and in front of your children who are learning from you. This should not go on.

He is not participating actively in counseling, so that route isn't working.

You want more.

The M could be better. But doing the same things you have been doing doesn't work.

Something has to shift.

Greek

I don't currently work out of the home but have been looking for something.



I totally agree. I only want whats best for my kids and staying may not be best.



I haven't wanted to point fingers, so I have just focused on me.

ABSOLUTELY



That's the decision I reached several months back when I dropped the bomb. I just can't figure out how/what to change to get things moving towards getting better.

Tell us about the bomb. What do you mean? You told him you want a D? You left? You threatened to leave? ILYBNILWY? How did it go down?
Greek

When everything happened a few months ago I really just said that my thoughts and feelings were all negative and that I was trying to work through things. I told him that I want MC because our communication was not good.

I never said I was leaving/planning to leave because deep down I don't want that for my kids. I have tried to be completely but it came in stages, everything didn't come out as once. First was the confusion, then the ILYBNILWY, then I'm more out than in our M and leaving might be best.

One of the things I'm confused about is have I really lost my feelings for him or is everything just behind this wall of distrust/fear/anxiety.

When I was where you are, I had no positive "feelings" for my H. For this reason, I didn't believe I loved him. I felt many negative feelings about him, and a lot of anger - which put a lot of distance between me and wanting to work on things. It just seemed like a distance I couldn't cross.

Sounds like you have lost your feelings for him, but that doesn't mean you don't love him. Love is what you do - and probably neither of you has been actively loving each other. Are you familiar with the 5 love languages? If not, read up.

Best? Hard to say. Here's what it came down to with me: the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. And when I left, that is when the real work on our M began. It was a nightmare in so many ways, but we both say to this day, looking back, it seemed necessary.

Greek

I have read it and I know that we are definitely 2 different types. In addition, I find it very hard doing what needs to be done for him.

I think I have reached the point of it being harder to stay than it is to go but physically going is quite difficult for me right now. I don't live in the US and I don't really have anywhere to go to.

I just can't shake the feeling that me staying will destroy me and show my kids M should be miserable and that's not true. We both cherish the kids and do right by them but with each other there is nothing but tension and pain. This isn't right, I just don't know if leaving will be the lesser of the evils.