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Cas, wanted to add that I'm sorry for hi-jacking above, .......but the gentleman who was scheduled to clean my family room carpet was knocking at the front door and I didn't want him to go away. .....My carpet is clean now.
GAG

It's always good to hear from you Rabbit! Love to hear your perspective, especially as you know how long I've been at this!

GAG, hi-jack away, I don't mind in the least. I think it's all fodder for learning and improving. I really took heed of your message about consistency. I have learnt so much from all of this and if nothing else I have learnt to be more consistent and to be less critical. My challenge then is more of the same!

Today I did H a favour and text him to tell him something that would assist him but had no benefit to me. It actually meant that we would have to cancel our tentative plans for a DVD tomorrow night. It turned out to be a win-win cos he was very happy with the outcome and I honestly felt happy to help him even though our plans had to be changed. I believe in karma so it will come back to me somewhere down the track.

Continue to PAVE the way for his return. Good job!

I didn't see H this weekend but did have a couple of messages back and forth today while I was studying. I asked him if he fancied a walk this afternoon but he hadn't responded so I went off to do groceries instead. When I got home I saw that he'd said "yes, what time?" It was then too late. Didn't matter. I was happy that he was going to accept my invitation as I was a little reluctant to issue invitations, considering it to be pursuing. ( and still a little sensitive about rejection)

Tonight I spoke with MIL. I hadn't spoken to her in weeks. I asked her if she had noticed any changes in H. She said she had noticed he had more to say last visit (about 4 weeks ago) and since then she had chatted to him on skype and she noticed he was sharing more information and generally seemed happier. That was interesting as it just confirms my observations and suggests that his more positive behaviour is not just about negotiating a better settlement with me.

Speaking about settlement, he was supposed to catch up with me this weekend to discuss but he made no mention. Last week he seemed to be in a hurry to sort it.

And finally...thanks Lance. I'm keen for feedback so I appreciate your thoughts.

Cas,

I know that at times I have felt uncertain going against the DB rules when I initiated invitations, but don't forget the overriding rule which is "Do what works". I think that somehow we need to signal to our walk-aways that we are receptive to them, and a small little invitation here or there might be what is needed to do that.........and if our new R with our walk-way can't withstand a little glitch here and there, then it probably won't withstand the piecing process.

It sounds as though your H is coming out of his depression a bit. (YEAH!!!!!!!)

GAG

Hi GAG, Thanks for the affirmation. I needed to hear that. Earlier you said that you thought my H was like a shy boy and this almost seems to be the way he is atm. Although reluctant, I have initiated a couple of times and he has accepted. I get the idea that he wants to be in my life in some way but needs to go super, super slow. Therefore, he doesn't initiate but if I do he can't afford to say no cos I might give up on him and/or maybe he really does want to be with us sometimes.

Additionally, a couple of times I have made minor comment about issues and he has accepted my comments and been calm, expressing that I should relax or chill. At the time I wondered what he meant as I felt relaxed but was just expressing my truth which I promised myself I would also do from now on. On reflection I think his relax or chill is to say, " Don't worry, it's all ok. Let's take this slowly."

I know this can all change again tomorrow but I like to get this down as it's good to reflect on down the track.

I wonder if it makes sense to others?

Still all sounds good to me Cas. Slowly but surely; the tortoise and the hare, all those old fables meant to teach us lessons of life. In this day and age, slow is a hard sought commodity.

Hi Cas,

I have been following along with your current events without posting. However, I want to tell you I am with you in thought and support.

I see a tremendous change in your H from days of old. I think you are doing everything right.

I, like you, have learned a great deal over the past few years about this process. For those of us who have our feet firmly planted in our values and are dedicated to standing for our marriages, and not initiating a divorce, do eventually get to see a difference in our H's. Our H, the H we knew, not the H he became in his crisis.

Patience is the key. We are fortunate to have re-created our friendships.

Things look very good for you, Cas.

Take care, ((()))

Sanderika

Sanderika, Hello!! It's so good to hear from you again. What's happening? I see your D was dismissed early this year. What's the story with that? I have been regularly checking your thread to see if you have any updates. It's so good to hear your perspective since you know my story pretty well. (((((Sanderika)))))

This week's dinner update:
H text to say he finished early so he would collect D. Dinner went well. I'm finding he's reasonably chatty although it's still me asking the questions. He does tell me some information, though. He has been asked if he's interested in a new job so told me about that tonight. He rarely asks me about my day or what I am doing but he comments if I give him information.

I am going away this weekend and H joked, "Gee, I don't suppose you've booked yet." as I am notorious for last minute bookings. I proudly said I had and H said, "Someone else obviously organised it!" True!! Anyway, it was nice to have that banter.

S rang to say he would be home for Christmas. Yay!! In the last few years the kids have been to H Christmas Eve and H has been with ow for lunch, Christmas Day. Tonight after S called we briefly discussed Christmas. D laughed and said, "Grandma will want to start planning and making the pudding any day now!" We all laughed at that. H said, I don't mind what I do. I'll fit in with you.

After D left the room I asked him what he would prefer to do. He said he would have the kids on his own because he didn't want to make my family uncomfortable and spoil their day because of his presence. I just said, "I see," and added that it was really my choice since it would be at my house, that my choice would be to have the kids and him with me but we still had a while to get it sorted. Left it at that. If it came to that, I wonder how I will manage H with my parents. They probably would find it challenging but they want me to be happy. And I don't think I could take that risk unless ow was gone, for sure.

As he left I got a really half hearted, one arm hug. I jokingly commented on the hug and he said he didn't want to spread his germs (he has a cold) but then gave me a two arm hug.

There was this feeling tonight that we're moving forward but I know I have to keep a balance between gradually moving things forward and yet still being patient and not frightening him off.